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NICHOLAS'S NOTES, 



SPORTING PKOPHECIES, 



VTITH SOME 



MISCELLANEOUS POEMS, SERIOUS AND 
HUMOROUS, 



BY THE LATE W. J. PROWSB. 



EDITED, WITH A BRIEF BIOGRAPHICAL NOTICE, 
BY TOM HOOD. 



LOYDOY: 

GEORGE EOUTLEDGE A YD SOYS, 

THE BROADWAY, LED GATE, 

- i sin i 






BENILEX AND CO., PBIN1EES, SHOE LANE, LONDON. 



34 ^ W4 
2-S 



A MEMOIR OF THE LATE W. J. PROWSEj 



The records of the life of a literary man, like William 
Jeffert Peowse, are almost invariably uneventful. 
The victories of the pen are won in the silence and 
seclusion of the study ; although their effect is at least 
as wide-spread and as important as that of the more 
conspicuous achievements of the sword. Moreover, in 
the ranks of the Press Militant, the captain is as little 
known to the public as the private soldier ; — the most 
brilliant leader-writer, exceiot amongst his immediate 
friends and fellow-workers, is as unrecognized as the 
reporter of fires, suicides, and police cases. Of the 
thousands of readers, whom his clear reason had influ- 
enced, who had been fascinated by the charm of his 
style, scarcely one understood all that was meant by the 
simple announcement of the death of William Jeffery 
Prowse. Nevertheless, I will not allow these few of his 
literary remains to be published without a brief chronicle 
of his life. 

He was born on the 6th of May, 1836, at Torquay, 
in Devonshire ; his love for which beautiful county is 
evidenced in a poem of his, " Devonshire Worthies/' 



4 MEMOIR. 

contributed in 1855 to The Western Times. After the 
death of his father, about 1844, he was adopted by his 
uncle, Mr. John Sparke Prowse, a notary-public and 
ship-broker, residing at Greenwich. It was intended 
that he should become a notary, but he abandoned the 
idea when he was claimed by the Press, which, as Mr. 
Hannay admirably remarked in his memoir of Father 
Prout, irresistibly draws to it its chosen recruits, no 
matter what their original occupation may be. 

He first went to a school kept by Mr. Wanostrocht 
— the " Felix" of cricket chronicles; but was subse- 
quently transferred to another school in Greenwich. He 
began to write early — in 1851, 1 believe — for he inherited 
literary tastes from his mother, who was an intimate 
friend of Keats, and who contributed to the annuals, 
and published a volume of poems, as Miss Marianne 
Jeffery. Chambers' s Journal, the Ladies' Companion, and 
the National Magazine, were the periodicals in which 
his first literary work was done. He served his appren- 
ticeship to journalism in the columns of the Aylesbury 
News.* In 1861, he was engaged upon the Daily 
Telegraph, his first article in which would appear to be a 
report of the Oxford and Cambridge boat-race, while 
his last important contribution was a leader on the death 
of Tom Lockyer, the cricketer. 

Although his health was always delicate, he was 

# I find among his papers a rough copy of verses for it about 
" King Clicquot," dated 1855, which wind up with this couplet : — 

" His courtiers found him out at last beneath the table sunk, 
Problematically pious, but indubitably drunk." 

It is not every lad of twenty who can pen as neat and smart a 
line as that last. 



MEMOIK. O 

devoted to manly sports, and took an especial delight in 
cricket. In the last two years of his life, when a con- 
firmed invalid, he found his greatest enjoyment in 
watching the matches at The Oval. For him, as for 
Pope also, the mystery and danger of Arctic exploration 
had a strange fascination. His library contained almost 
all the books of Polar Travels, and he often expressed a 
wish that he could join an expedition to the North. I 
can remember a friend's telling him that he believed the 
height of his ambition was to play a game of cricket on 
an ice-field, with the Pole for a wicket ! He had an 
intense love for the sea, on which a great-uncle had seen 
service, who was Mag-Lieutenant of the " Ajax," at the 
Battle of Trafalgar. When he left England for Nice, 
last autumn, though much debilitated, he preferred to 
make the journey on a sailing-vessel to Marseilles, to the 
amazement of those of his friends, who could not 
understand that love of the sea which made him 
appreciate so thoroughly the lines in Thomas Hood's 
sonnet, " To Ocean" : — 

" My absent friends talk in thy very roar, 

In thy waves' beat their kindly pulse I see, 
And, if I must not see my England more, 

Next to her soil my grave be found in thee ! ,,# 

Alas, the grave of William Jeffery Prowse is in the 
cemetery at Nice ! 

To the outside world, which is satisfied with the 
knowledge that its newspaper will be on its breakfast- 

* Of his copy of Hood's Works, he writes that, " In sickness — 
and with sickness my acquaintance is particularly close — they are a 
never-failing source of amusement, — and of consolation, too, by the 
by ; the wisdom lies so close to the wit, and both, by some derange- 
ment of ordinary anatomies, come so directly from the heart." 



O MEMOIR. 

table as punctually as the milk and the rolls, the fact 
that a man is on the sub- editorial staff of a daily jour- 
nal means very little. Nobody seems to reflect that it 
implies night-long labour, anxious and wearisome, in an 
unhealthy atmosphere. It was this work that told upon 
poor Prowse's constitution, and developed symptoms 
which, in 1865, compelled him to seek medical advice. 
Writing to a friend in the spring of that year, he says : 
" I had a long talk with Dr. Jenner. That cough of mine, 
with which I must have often bored you, has connections, 
look you, and relations with one of my ' Principal Con^ 
tents,' viz., that lung which is in the left pare of my 
chest. Don't say much about this business of mine, 
for I have a strong objection to lying down on my back 
and howling for sympathy." Dr. Jenner ordered him 
to South Devon, where he stayed with an uncle at his 
native place, Torquay. The rest and the change did him 
great good. In March he writes : — " Your dream of 
literature and liberty and love all ' in a cottage ' should 
not, delightful as it is, be too much to realize. Thank 
Heaven we have got out of the Grub Street days — which 
ought, I fancy, to be called the ^0-Grub Street days ! — 
and every man of brains who is also a man of honour 
can do well enough so long as he is careful of his stock- 
in-trade ; that stock-in-trade, so charmingly portable, 
over which he places his hat and draws his right-hand 

glove every morning. Hurrah, then, for , where, 

left-lung permitting, I hope to blow my 'bacco, and to 
make ill-natured remarks about sham-great men, and utter 
incoherent enthusiasms about Gladstone, Abd-el-Kader, 
Schamyl, Garibaldi, and Robert Lee. And the left lung 
will, I think, permit ! " With this leisure and with 
returning health, his active mind was busily planning 



MEMOIR. 7 

work for the future : — " I have plotted here a couple of 
books, but my novel, although I have lots of the cha- 
racters and some situations, hasn't crystallized yet into 
order ; and I don't want to force it. I meditate — 1st, 
* The Boats : a Book for Boys.' Jolly subject, if not 
yet done. Raleigh up the Orinoco, Bligh, Franklin's 
earlier trips, the life-boats, Nelson's cutting-outs, Coch- 
rane, etc, etc. 2nd, ' Bohemia in England and France ' 
— literary criticism and biography ; a good deal of it 
already written, and only needing a little revision. I 
have a good deal of rather out-of-the-way reading on 
the subject." ....." The sensation of having nothing to 
do is rather bewildering at first. I am not absolutely 
used to entire inactivity, but I think I shall manage to 
keep myself from becoming disgusted with a little rest." 
Unfortunately, the improvement in health was but- 
temporary. He returned to London and to labour, but 
in the succeeding — indeed, in every subsequent — winter 
the malady increased, until, in the autumn of 1867, he 
consulted Dr. Williams, who at once ordered him to 
winter at Nice. He had to stay some weeks at Broad- 
stairs to gather strength for the journey, and left early 
in November. He spent the winter at Cimies, near 
Nice, and returned in the spring, better, apparently, 
although much enfeebled. Fortunately, at this time he 
was residing with his aunt, who died last November, and 
whose friend and companion, Miss Ashenden, having 
known him since the time when they were brought up 
together as children, nursed him with the tender solicit 
tude and unwearying affection of a sister. The next 
winter found him again at Cimies, whither he returned 
once more in the autumn of '69. His weakness had 
increased, and the gravest fears were entertained for 



8 MEMOIR. 

him. But though, it seems probable that he felt the end 
was near, he maintained a cheerful exterior, and inspired 
his friends with hopes never to be realized. Daring his 
residence abroad he kept a brief diary — mere notes of 
that important matter to him, the weather, with memo- 
randums of his work in frequent entries of " Wrote." 
On the 20th of December comes the ominous entry, 
" Rode for two hours, but gravely ill afterwards. Took 
cold." On the 23rd I read, "Cold. Telegram, Tom 
Lockyer's death." And from that time, day after day, 
" cold " or " bitterly cold " occurs, to show how much 
the season was against him. On the 31st he wrote, with 
a feeling of sadness he would have concealed from his 
friends in speaking, " Here, thank God, ends a miserable 
year ! " On the 16th of January the diary closes : — " the 
rest is silence ! " 

" When he was taken ill in January," writes a kindly 
Englishman who was with him to the last, " and there 
was some fear that he might go off after a fit of cough- 
ing, he wrote some farewell messages " — a few words in 
pencil to three or four of his most intimate friends. — 

" His end was very peaceful This winter I have seen 

a good deal of him, and have been astonished at the 
wonderful cheerfulness and patience with which he has 
borne his sufferings " — of which, to the very last, he 
strove to spare those at home the knowledge. His death 
took place on Easter Sunday. 

As a writer he was gifted with a great charm of 
style. With a fertile imagination, he possessed a severely 
logical mind. The amount of work he has done is 
astonishing. Knowing, as I did, how incessantly he 
worked, writing often two, and at times three, leaders a 
day, I was surprised to find volume after volume filled 



MEMOIR. y 

with his articles, carefully cut out and pasted-in. And 
yet, amidst this constant and fatiguing toil, he found time 
to write poems, and essays, and papers for the maga- 
zines, the annuals, and Fun. 

I must not omit mention of his wonderful faculty of 
imitation, as displayed in his " Prize Essays," and a 
series of papers published in the Porcujoine, in which he 
imitated the principal writers of the day — not by 
parodying particular passages, but by assimilating their 
habits of thinking and writing. The famous " Rejected 
Addresses " are not more cleverly and perfectly done. 
His letters were charming, full of humour and kindli- 
ness. In conversation, which he was too modest to try 
to monopolize, he was a delightful talker. I can remem- 
ber how, at a friend's house, where there used to be a 
weekly gathering of workers in literature and art, he 
would throw in quietly a few words, and then hang down 
his head as if he were ashamed of them ; but at the end 
of the evening, when one recalled the talk, one found 
that the best and brightest thing had been said by " Jeff 
Prowse," as we who loved him called him ! 

Of his private character and disposition, some idea 

may be gathered from a passage in a letter I received 

but recently from a friend : — " Poor Prowse ! The best 

fellows I ever knew have had somebody who hated and 

privately abused them — except Prowse.'' He must, 

indeed, have been loveable of whom that can be said, in 

a world where one's best intentions are misinterpreted, 

one's best actions maligned. Every man who associated 

with him will remember while he lives— 

" The friend he knew 
So gentle and so generous, and so true ! " 

Gentle, generous, and true — unselfish, brave, loyal, 



10 MEMOIR. 

and loveable, he will not be soon or easily forgotten. 
And if it is sad to think that a friend is gone, it is 
no less sad to reflect that the world has lost a great 
writer. If this young man — barely thirty-four — has 
left behind him such marks of genius, what might not 
literature have gained from him at a riper age ! And 
yet such a life as his has not been lived in vain. Short 
as was his stay among us, thousands of readers have felt 
the power of that keen intellect, have been influenced by 
the teaching of that clear brain : while of those who 
knew and loved him, there is not one, I am sure, who 
will not acknowledge himself the better for the example 
of that gentle, brave, honest life. 

T. H. 



INTRODUCTORY. 



It is by no means apologetically that I remind the 
reader how the Nicholas Papers were written week 
by week, in the brief intervals of arduous and engross- 
ing journalistic work. On the contrary, I mention the 
fact, because it should increase one's admiration for 
the genius, which, under such circumstances, and from 
materials so slight, could create the life-like character 
of " The Old Man." For it is not merely to his quaint 
language and ingenious blundering that Nicholas owes 
his popularity ; but to those masterly little touches, by 
which he is made to reveal himself, ajutobiographically, 
in all his cunning and all his meanness, — servile in 
adversity, ungrateful in prosperity, vain, mendacious, 
and disreputable. Yet with all this, he has some inde- 
scribable quality which compels us in spite of ourselves 
to own to a sneaking kindness for u the old thief." 
Surely, a creation like this might have been not un- 
worthy even of the pen which drew Captain Costigan. 

The Miscellanies appended to the Nicholas Papers 
will serve to display their writer's powers in a far dif- 



12 INTRODUCTORY. 

ferent field. Their tenderness, their kindly humour, 
their touching pathos, will sufficiently commend them ; 
but I would ask the reader to reflect what we might 
have expected from the mature genius of one who, 
dying at the early age of thirty-four, has yet left such 
poems behind him. 

I must not conclude this preface without expressing 
my thanks to Mr. T. Scott for his kindness in drawing, 
and to the Messrs. Dalziel, who were good enough to 
engrave, the admirable portrait which forms the frontis- 
piece. 

T. H. 



NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 



Exclusive Engagement of Nicholas. 

With feelings of considerable pride we inform our 
readers that we have been enabled (at some expense) 
to secure the exclusive services of the celebrated 
Nicholas. Nicholas was originally (we are sure he 
won't object to our saying so) emphatically a son of 
the people, with no father in particular to look after 
him ; but, like the memorable Murray and the gifted- 
Longman, he made his fortune by his books ; and, like 
George Stephenson, his wealth is identified with the 
progress of metallics. Raised by his general abilities 
and his particular obstinacy about Blair Athol to a 
pitch of prosperity which is faintly represented by the 
term Belgravia, Nicholas, that friend of man, has 
benevolently consented to impart (for a certain weekly 
stipend) the experience of — well, let us say, middle age 
to the generous ardour of youth ; and this is how he 

does it : 

Belgkbavia. 

Sir, — To your own Nicholas lucre have long been 
comparatively indifferent, and if I now accept your 

2 



14 Nicholas's notes. 

offer, it is less with a view to personal emolument than 
to the generally creditable nature of the concern. My 
snug but capacious abode have long been environed by 
the emissaries of the great. Rich I am ; richer I might 
have been, if polluted and venal ; but, sir, he will 
honestly do his best to land your noble sportsmen on 
the right shore of the River Stakes like a Sharon, 
which, if classical allusions seem inaccurate, drop one 
and carry two. His (N.'s) pen is somewhat out of 
practice, or would now dash off a few lines of poetical 
prophecy ; but I have been myself informed as impromp- 
twos is seldom done under two days' notice. 

At the general election I start for Parliament. 

But still, bless you, I haven't a bit of pride about 
me, and the tip at present is— Breadalbane, Gladiateur, 
Oppressor. 

Mind, this tip may be altered ; personally my bets 
will be different, 

Nicholas, 



The Derby. 

Belgbavia. 

Descriptive writing being less my province than 
knowing a really good horse when I see him, and havo 
been thrown off by a-many in my time, though, thanks 
be, still hale and hearty for his age, Nicholas will not 
attempt to paint our national spcrts and customs which, 
even had he the pen of a Kelly's Post Office Directory, 
would be too numerous for insertion. 

After the numerous Derbys which your sporting 
editor have attended, usually in a hnmble way, though 



Nicholas's notes. 15 

never menial, whatever envious prophets may insinuate, 
and when I was younger, before misfortunes, could 
have his glass of sherry wine where others were only 
too glad to get their half-pint of four-ale, it is with 
some amount of pardonable pride that I shall go down 
in my " own drag," with some of the noblest in the 
land a-bowing to me, as affable as oil, when they see 
the old man, which well they know his word was ever 
as good as his bond, and frequently better, whenever 
times was bad. It's money as makes the mare to go — 
mares reminding me of Friday and the Oaks, which will 
bring me back to original subject, so excuse digression. 

Well, my noble sportsmen, trust your own old 
tipster when he tells you where to put the pot on, and 
will now cast his eyes down the whole boiling of the 
horses on the card. 

Should Gladiateur keep his Two Thousand form, 
the stakes may go to our lively neighbours, les Francais ; 
and Nicholas hopes be have rose above the meanness 
of being jealous when a foreign gentiUwmme — or, as he 
might say, nolle homme, though his French is not 
what it was— wins a great prize upon the turf of vieux 
Angleterre. 

Space preventing further criticism, will abstain 
from absolute prophecy, but will give the novice a 
little hint : — If you back all the horses that run, jou. 
are sure to win something or other. The plan, of 
course, requires capital, and you mightn't get paid 
after all ; but 

There is no other- golden rule for success upon 

THE TURF. 

Nicholas . 



16 Nicholas's notes. 

Gladiateur ! Gladiateur ! ! Gladiateur ! ! ! 

BELGRAVIA. 

"Well, my noble sportsmen, and bow do we find our- 
selves to-day ? Tolerably brisk, I fancy, sanguineous 
and placid ! 'The astounding success with which it have 
pleased the will of Fate to reward for the hundredth 
occasion the sagacity and intelligence of your own 
prophet is by this time — to quote the gifted bard of 
Avon — familiar in men's mouths as all the year round ; 
and my reputation, always a good one, whatever detrac- 
tors may now say, to whom in former years many is 
the glass of warm gin and water I have generously 
stood, is now brighter than ever. Self-praise butters 
no parsnips ; and it is far from the wish of Nicholas to 
be vanity-glorious or boastful. Still, modesty is one 
thing, and will back himself to possess as much of that 
virtue as any man of my age and weight, Irish only 
excepted ; but it is quite another guess sort of matter 
to deliberately go putting your light underneath of a 
bushel of hay, whether insured or otherwise. Why was 
talents given us if not that we might use them for the 
benefit of our fellow-men and squaring up our own 
books ? Answer that ! 

My Derby victory of this year is certainly amongst 
my most brilliant triumphs. 

Likely as not, there may be found some detractorial 
whipper-snappers, ^whom I wouldn't touch with my 
hunting-gloves on, nor demean myself by calling of 
them all the most awful names as I can lay my tongue 
to, who will point out to you, Mr. Editor, in anonymous 
letters, that in Number Three of the New Serious' I didn't 
absolutely name Gladiateur to win. 



NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 17 

Look back, sir, to your own file in the back office, 
and turn to Number Two of the New Serious. Do 
you find the name of Grladiateur there, or is the old man 
a-trying to conoodle you, as he may say ? 

You do find the name of Grladiateur given as a 
winner ; and if your printer, as is a deal too fond of 
altering my contributions on account of alleged errors 
in stile and autkorgraphy, hadn't taken it upon himself 
to reverse the order in which I sent my tip, and put a 
" 2 " to Grladiateur 's name instead of a " 1," which such 
it was in the original manuscript, why even the voice of 
slander would now be hushed on land and sea, and the 
poisoned fangs of a carroty calumniator, since I can 
give no higher term to young Dick Jones, as called me 
a muff in the paddock itself, would long since have 
subsided into their native element — contempt ! And if 
he didn't know I was getting old, like a foul-mouthed 
social nuisance which he is, and his father kep a beer- 
shop in the New Cut, would have thought twice before 
he hurled the arrows of Invective against the honour- 
able head of Age ! 

But no one — not even yourself, Mr. Editor, nor any 
of your staff, than whom, I am sure, a more amiable 
and affable body of young gentlemen, although perhaps 
a little extravagant and gay, but youth will be served — 
can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, and a sow's ear 
is only too eulogious a patteringmimic for such as Jones. 

Want of space — the room given to sportive matter 
in your otherwise well-conducted journal not being 
adequate to the importance of the subject — forbids your 
prophet from giving you this present week 

ant prophecy at all. 

Nicholas. 



18 NICHOLAS'S NOTES, 

P.S. — I had almost forgotten to say that although 
as a tipster I exult, as a patriotic British statesman 
I deplore. England, my country ! 



The Grand Prix de Paris.— Ascot Anticipations. 

Paeis, The Geakd Hotel, Monday, June 12. 

Vive la France ! Ever since I left my native shore, 
with the exception of a brief but tumultuous interval of 
stomachic misery on board the packet, your Prophet 
has had a remarkably good time of it, never having 
been in Paris before, circumstances pecuniary and social 
being rather against him until recent luck. 

Paris — the Looteacher Parisionum of the ancients — 
has been so often described, that Nicholas will not 
detain your readers by details concerning of manners 
and customs, since such must be expected as different 
in foreign parts, and which instead of their flim-flam 
and their kickshaws, give one a honest joint and a good 
glass of sherry wine ! 

With a paganism which Nicholas will not attempt 
to extenuate nor set down in malice, the Grand Race 
was held yesterday (Sunday), but am bound to say, in 
spite of such profanity, and which I am told is habitual, 
the people were most well-conducted and more sober 
than is usual on a race- course amongst a contiguous 
people much given to speak of the French as " our 
lively neighbours." 

You will already have heard the result of the race 
from other and earlier sources of information, and 
which what I allude to is the electric fluid. The vie- 



Nicholas's notes. 19 

tory again fell to my old favourite — to that horse which 
I have stood through thick and thin, regardless of 
calumny, and too proud to hedge, namely, videlicet, 

GlAUIATErE, 

I think I predicted as much in my contribution to 
Number Five of the New Serious, but not having a file 
of the paper by me in this foreign clime, cannot say 
positive. I know I meant to, at any rate, and, per- 
sonally, I backed him heavy. 

After the race, I went to an International banquet 
and plenty of champagne, but the old man was cautious, 
Mr. Editor, and stuck to his sherry wine. 

It was at this dinner that I gave my Ascot tip. Of 
course time alone can show whether it will prove suc- 
cessful ; but you are tolerably well aware by this time, 
I should fancy, that the old man is not a fool. 

"Messieurs," I said, " unaccoutome comme je suis 
an publique parlant, c'est avec grand e emotion que je 
rise. Quant au Coupe de 1' Ascot, le General Peel est 
un bon cheva!; mais Ely est un meilleur. II est pos- 
sible que les deux couriront une morte chaleur, or dead 
heat, mais je crois que Ely sera le vainqueur. Comme 
pour Fille de l'Air, Messieurs, elle n'a pas la fantome 
d'une chance ! '' 

Some of the French bookmakers who had laid heavy 
against the General, came up to Nicholas, and wanted 
to kiss the old man on the cheek ; but Nicholas keeps 
his kisses for the maids of merry England — the maids 
of merry, merry Ed gland. Let the bottle pass, and 
we'll fill another glass, to the maids of merry, merry 
England ! Nicholas. 

Note, — It will be observed that our esteemed cor- 



20 NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 

respondent dates "Paris, Monday, June 12," but the 
packet only reached us on Friday ', June 16th, and it 
bore the postmark, not of Paris, but of Windsor, We 
have written to his Belgravian address for an explana- 
tion. — Ed, 



Serious Misunderstanding between Ourselves and 
Nicholas. Ample Apology on Our Part. The 
Good and Gifted Man Forgives, and all is Joy ! 

Our readers have no doubt remarked the absence of 
any communication from Nicholas in our last number, 
but a thrill of terror, followed by a spasm of relief, will 
run through their breasts when we tell them that we 
were very near losing the invaluable services of that 
immortal prophet. 

The following correspondence explains itself: — 

1. — From Nicholas to the Editor.' 

Belgravia. 
Nicholas presents his compliments to the Editor, 
and which I have just seen Number Six of your New 
Serious, where it as good as hints that your Prophet 
was not in France at the time he made his remarkable 
prophecy of a dead heat between Ely and General Peel, 
but had waited at Ascot itself until the race was over, 
and then wrote a false address, a course of action as is 
little short of not being exactly what you would con- 
sider quite a gentlemanly thing to do, on which he will 
only observe that common courtesy to one almost old 
enough to be your grandfather, not to speak of grati- 
tude to one whose sporting tips are equal to any in the 



Nicholas's notes. 21 

world, bar none, and the true explanation is as fol- 
lows : — That he forgot to pnt the letter in the post 
when he wrote it at the Grand Hotel, Paris, and was 
snrprised not to hear from yon in acknowledgment of 
its receipt, than which nothing is more clearly your 
duty so to do as Editor of the New Serious, and when 
the old man came over to England and went down to 
Ascot, along of many other, aristocratic sportsmen, I 
was horrified at finding the letter still in my pocket, so 
posted it at Windsor along of another letter as fully 
explained circumstances, but which second letter it is 
just within the bounds of possibility as you may not 
have received it, Nicholas well remembering now that 
his attention is called to the fact as in his haste he 
forgot to stick on a Queen's head, but even then you 
might surely have paid the double postage if it reached 
you ; and if to the contrary, both Reason and Equity 
should have forbidden to address what he can only 
stigmatise as a uncalled-for rebuke in public to an old 
man as has done a good deal to make the fortune of 
the New Serious, quite as much so perhaps as any of 
the other contributors, although than whom perchance 
I am sure a more affable body of young gentlemen, 
though a little gay. 

Mr. Editor, it is me who have a right to an expla- 
nation, and I will say even an apology. 

Withdraw your suspicions, sir, and set him right 
along with the Sportive Public, or not only will he con- 
tribute to other journals, but if the Prophet were not quite 
so much in the vale of years, or had he a son to protect 
him in his advanced middle age, my outraged honour 
might oblige me to resort to that awful measure of 
sending you a friend, and letting you choose your own 



22 Nicholas's notes. 

weapon, sir, for though old was once as fine a shot as 
ever pulled a trigger at Hornsey Wood, 

Yours, as you use him, 

Nicholas. 
The party who brings this Waits a responsive 
answer. 

II. — Prom the Editor to Nicholas. 

80, Fleet Street. 
The Editor begs to express his regret that he has 
hurt the feelings of a most esteemed contributor. He 
only did so by way of joke. He unreservedly withdraws 
his imputations upon the Prophet's good faith, and 
humbly trusts that he may still be favoured with some 
copy for Number Eight, N. S. 



3. — From Nicholas to the Editor. 

Belgravia. 

To the noblest of Editors, and one of the most 
magnanimous of men. 

Dear Sir, — After your vivacious and euphemistical 
epistolary composition, expressive of your contrition, in 
the most valedictory and eleemosynary terms, nothing 
remains for your vaticinatory prophet but cordially to 
reciprocate your benevolent similes and hold forth (in 
correspondence) the outstretched hand that is symbo- 
lical of affectionate recognition and reconciliatory feel- 
ings of amitude and cordiality. 

The heart must be greatly fuller of rancour, vindic- 
tiveness, owing a grudge, evil speaking, lying or slan- 
dering, than is that of Nicholas, which could peruse 
your manly tribute without a tear of conscious rectitude 
mingled with joy, and the next time he meets you hopes 



Nicholas's notes, 25 

as we may bury any lingering feelings of mutual animo- 
sity over a good glass of sherry wine, and should be glad 
if any of the other contributors would join along of us, 
than whom, as I have often said in the ISTew Serious of 
your Sportive Organ, perhaps a more affable body of 
young gentlemen, though a little gay. 

Nicholas. 

I have a good thing for Goodwood, and a certainty 
for the Leger. 

In addition to general information, will soon begin 
his 

History of Knurr and Spell ! ! ! 

Nicholas. 



Total Failure of Nicholas ! His Absolute Winner of 
the Goodwood Cup Scratched ! ! Heavy Losses of 
our Prophet ! ! ! Gladiateur ! ! ! ! Gladiateur ! ! ! ! ! 
Gladiateur !!!!!! Exclusive Tip for the St. 
Leger !!!!!!! 

BliLaEAVIA. 

The pitcher, Mr. Editor, who goes often to the well 
gets broken at last, and goes to the bad. Such has been 
partially the fate of your own Nicholas. For (nearly) 
the first time in the Prophet's life, I have led my 
supporters, my good and kind supporters, the Sportive 
Men of En gland, into am error. That their losses have 
been less than my own is as sincere a aspiration as ever 
rose from a prophetic breast below. 

It would be idle at this time of day, and after a 
catastrophe which has metaphorically stained the turf 
of my native land, for Nicholas to pretend that Gladia- 
teur won the Goodwood Cup. Nicholas was present at 



24 Nicholas's notes. 

the race, and witnessed the victory of Ely, whom he 
always, as you may possibly not remember, said to be 
a real great horse, and likely to win, especially as 
Nicholas predicted his defeat of General Peel at Ascot. 
Still, the Prophet sent yon Gladiateur, and no kid abont 
it, week after week. 

Sir, that animal (previonsly selected for the Derby 
by Nicholas, when at long odds, so that if a fair average 
be taken yon have not really lost by the old man's pre- 
dictions after all) vjould have won, and could have won, 
and should have won, but then how can a horse win if 
scratched ? All the prophets in Great Britain, than 
whom perchance a more delusive body of men, though 
pretentious, could not make it to do so. 

When the news of the scratching reached his ear, 
Nicholas was so excited that he very nearly burst a 
vessel. When an English gentleman is verging on 
patriarchal periods, and has put the pot on heavy, it is 
hard to lose a great portion of the modest provision you 
may have made for those who are to come after. 

Fortunately for Nicholas he had been hedging off a 
little, so that the blow is not so ruinous as it might 
have been. I shall not have to give up my house, but 
I shall find it absolutely necessary to insist upon an 
increase of wages. 

My Histoey of Knuer and Spell. 

This book is in active progress. Any communica- 
tions relative had better be addressed, under cover to 
the offi.ce, not having quite got the painters out in 
Belgravia, though myself returned. 

Nicholas, 

I have a good thing for the St. Leger. 



OLAS 5 S NOTES. 25 

The Second October Meeting, with Anticipations of 
the Cambridgeshire at the Houghton Meeting. 

Belgkavia. 
The Newmarket Second October Meeting will have 
commenced before the burning words that Nicholas is 
now about to write in the MS. will be revealed to 
mortal eye, by being set up in type by the printer, than 
whom I am sure no one more attentive and obliging, 
though perhaps a little inclined to grumble when the 
old man is late with his copy. Such, the Prophet is 
free to own, is often the case, he being irregular in his 
habits of literary composition, to which he was not 
brought up in early life, it having more resembled a 
rough-and-tumble to get his bread and cheese than the 
pleasing studies of the Academician Grove. (Please let 
the printer put "Academician Grove" with a big A and 
a big G, it being meant as a compliment to Plato, and 
the printer sometimes taking upon himself to alter the 
Prophet's authorgraphy when such a course as to do so 
is not necessary.) 

And so, my merry men all, under which thimble is 
the little pea ? Salpinctes, Alabama, Privateer, Lans- 
down. Who is to win the Caesarewitch ? Wouldn't 
you like to know, my sportive readers ? (Let the 
printer put the next part like a stage-play.) 

Nicholas. — Wouldst thou? 

Sportive Readers. — Yes, we wouldst, we wouldst, 

Nicholas. — And who is the proper person for to give 
you the tip, eh, my friends and patrons ? Is it the Old 
Man? 

Sportive Readers. — Yes, we wouldst, leastways of 
course we mean, Yes, it is ! Nicholas is him ! 

Nicholas. — Am I right ? 



26 Nicholas's notes. 

Sportive Senders. — Tes^ we wouldst ! Give us the 
tip. 

Nicholas. — Wait a minute, you dear impatient crea- 
tures. Who was it that sent you Gladiateur for the 
Derby ? 

Sportive Headers. — It was Nicholas. 
Nicholas. — -Who was the only Prophet in the land, 
bar none, who foretold a dead heat at Ascot between 
Ely and General Peel, with the former to win at the 
second try ? 

Sportive Readers. — Come now, Nicholas, thafs pitch- 
ing it a little too strong, that is. Tou might have foretold 
it; but you told us yourself that you forgot to post the 
letter containing the prediction, which in consequence 
never saw the light until after the race. No, Nicholas, 
stick to facts. Facts will speak trumpet-tongued in 
your favour, you good and gifted aged mam Never will 
it be forgotten whilst a single annal of the British turf 
remains, how gloriously you vaticinated the absolute 
winner of the St. Leger ; only don't exaggerate. 

Nicholas. — You are right, my worthy friends. The 
old man spoke from memory, which is apt to fail one at 
his period, but in future will always refer to his notes, 
and is proud and pleased to find you anxious for his tip 
about the CaBS are witch. Thinking that you would pro- 
bably like a clear and definite selection, naming first, 
second, and third. 

Sportive Headers. — So we wouldst. Old man, you 
are correct. 

Nicholas.- — Thinking such, the Prophet has sent a 
private note to the Editor, than whom a more affable 
gentleman, though a little averse to raising Nicholas* 
weekly wages, asking him to arrange to have a 



Nicholas's notes. 27 

Special Number of Fot* 

In this number I pledge myself to name 

First, Second, and Third, in the Ces are witch. 
Sportive Readers. — Well, then, our trusty guide, 
wouldst thou not partake of some refreshment, say a 
bottle of sherry wine ? 

Nicholas. — Yes, I wouldst— at least, no— don't print 
that, mind, because it looks undignified, and too collo- 
quial, and might give the mistaken impression that the 
Prophet was a regular old sot, but put it down like this, 
more : No, I wouldst not ! After my prophecy have 
appeared, after my selection have won, the old man will 
gladly celebrate the festive and emolumentary occasion 
in the flowing bowl, but not before, such being unbecom- 
ing of a Sportive Editor of the Xew Serious, and now. 
to show that refusal of your hospitality is not prompted 
by ingratitude, let me give you in addition 

A Few Xotes on the Cambridgeshire, 

A hippie contest which will not take place before the 
24th, so that I shall have plenty of time to keep you 
posted up, and to-day will speak cursory. 

Nicholas. 



Failure of G-labiatltr. The Prophet under a Cloud 
and a Xew Aspect, 

Bebmondsey. 

Severed and honoured Editor,— It is of no use 
attempting to deceive you, Sir, and the old man will not 
try such. Sir, he has lost enormous ! 

The sex has always been peculiar fatal to Nicholas, 
and, figuratively speaking.it is again a woman's hand that 



28 Nicholas's notes. 

deals the avenging blow, alluding, of course, to Garde* 
visure, the mare that won the Cambridgeshire on 
Tuesday fortnight. You may have noticed he was 
absent from your columns in Numbers 24 and 25 ; in fact, 
T have a rather harsh and vituperatory letter from you 
to that effect; 1 but, Sir, revered and honoured Mr. 
Editor, 2 the fact is, the Prophet was out of town, and 
up to his old games. What's bred in the bone, Sir, will 
come out in the flesh ; and despite his ample recent 
means, when once you've been a tout, a tout you'll ever 
be ; and he was hanging about the stables just as in the 
old days ; and the cold getting into his head, not to 
speak of whiskey and water affecting him more than it 
did before he generally could partake of sherry-wine 
when he liked, the old man, Sir, overslept hiss elf, 3 and 
was too ill to send his usual countrybution. 

I wouldst, Sir, that this were the worst ! But no ! 
the Star of Nicholas have set, perhaps to raise no more; 
and Newmarket Heath has been his Waterloo, not from 
the point of view of the late occupant of Apsley House, 
but more Napoleonic in its character. 

It is easy to say, after the event, " Why did you go 
and do so, oh Nicholas, you good but fond old man ?" 
Why ? Because I had a blind faith in a noble animal ; 
because Jennings himself said, " He'll do it, Mister N., 
if they was to put a Pickford's wan on the top of him !" 
because the Co ant de Lagrange said, with his own lips, 
" Courage, mong voo /" Sir, my belief in Gladiateur was 
almost idolatryastical ! It was vainly they told me he 
couldn't do it with 9 stone 12 ; your Nicholas put the 
pot on heavy, and is now, speaking comparative, an 
abject pauper and a broken-hearted, ruinous old man ! 
It's lucky for me as I've no one to come after me, in the 



Nicholas's notes. 29 

way of children at least (there are a good many after 
me in another way), former allusions to olive-branches 
having only been hypothetic and good-humourous. 

Do you remember — very likely not, for you know 
no more than a babe just unborn about sportive matters, 4 
though the best of editors, and the most indulgent of 
masters I am sure — do you remember the odds that 
were laid against the winning mare Gardevisure ? They 
were 33 to 1. 

Murder will out. They were laidhy Nicholas ! 

There. I feel easier in my mind after the confes- 
sion. Ruin (again speaking comparative) stares me in 
the face with a vulgarity of aspect to which the con- 
temptuous expression of unpaid landladies in former 
years was Rimmel's fountain to a rotten egg ; the 
colossal edifice of Prophetic Wealth is rudely shaken 
by the breeze of adverse fortune ; but this emotion 
unbecomes a Xicholas, who, if he have known better 
days, have also known worse, and was never ashamed of 
honest Poverty, whatever may be said by the pens of 
the detractorial. 

I have thought it quite as well not to go back to 
Belgravia just at present. The fact is, that a little 
seclusion will do me no harm, so shall lie by and try to 
pull it off over the Liverpool Cap. He has always 
borne a honest name, praise be ; and if the worst comes 
to the worst, he has still his abilities as a public writer 
to fall back upon. Mrs. Cripps. the landlady, has got 
me a life of Sir Walter Scott, Baronet, from the cir- 
culating library round the corner, and it almost brings 
the tears into a poor ruinous old Prophet's eyes—* 
thankye, Mrs. Cripps, yes ; a little more sugar in it this 
time, please ! 6 — to read how that good and great man 



30 NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 

paid off his debts by bis novels. And will write one 
himself against any Prophet of his age or size bar 
none ! Well, well, it's a long lane that's got no turning ; 
and what says the classic bard, as I heard him quoted 
by an affable young gent from Cambridge College on 
the Heath itself ?— 

How d'ye ? my eye ! Crass Tibby ! r 

Thanks, much, my dear Mrs. Cripps. If the offer 
of a old man's heart and hand 8 — where the deuce is 
Mrs. Cripps ? Shall make up to old gal, hang me if I 
don't. My clothes is ail right ; and still I looks the 
cynicsure of fashion with my light autumnal overcoat ; * 
and I say, Mrs. Tun — Cripps I mean — if a old man's 
honest hadoration, if a fond heart's gentle throb, if — oh, 
I say, old boy, of course you won't print this, which is 
purely confidential — can't write any more to-night — 
sight's not what it was, you know — only I was a- think- 
ing, Sir, you might have it put in large type as I sent 
you Gardevisure for absolute winner, only you was 
out of town, and so such never saw the light ; 10 but 
anyhow you'll not desert the old one in his adversity ? 
You'll keep him on, noble Captain, as your Sportive 
Editor ? Eh ? Thankye ; there's a dear good soul, 
Mrs. Cripps ! If a old man's fervent — but will now 
conclude. 

So no more at present from, yours, 

The Ruinous Nicholas. ' 

Editorial Notes. 

1 We simply gave expression to a very natural feeling of 
annoyance. 

2 This servile adulation Will do Nicholas no srood. 



NICHOLAS'S NOTES, 31 

3 The old man ought to have known better. 
* Don't you be too sure of that, old man ! 

5 Perhaps because he never tried it. 

6 Oh, Nicholas, Nicholas, at it again ! 

7 Is it possible the Prophet means " Hodie mihi, eras tibi ?" 

8 We had no idea the old man was so susceptible , 
B " Vanity-glorious " again. 

10 We utterly repudiate this disgraceful suggestion, 



Beemondsey. 

Revered and Honoured Sir, — When a man has 
arrived at the period of Nicholas he is not over likely 
to take a sanguineous and enthusiastical view of human 
nature ; but never you believe, Mr. Editor, what the 
cynic would tell you with regard to the innate depravity 
of the mortal heart. It is only when a man is really 
down upon his luck that he knows how much good 
nature and benevolence is possessed by those around 
him, a conspicuous instance of such having been your 
generous insertion last week of my countrybution at 
enormous length at a time when my literary earnings 
are almost the only emolument ary resources which a 
ruinous old man can metaphorically fall back upon, 
although he considers that some of your editorial com- 
mentations, however well meant, were less calculated 
to convey the idea of your regarding him in the light 
of Age and Virtue under a temporary cloud of ad- 
versity than of one who was rather a disreputable old 
tout. 

Your Prophet has likewise to acknowledge the ex- 
treme kindness of his temporary landlady, Mrs. Cripps, 
than whom I am sure a more amiable person, though, 
perhaps, a little middle-aged ; and remarkable^ indeed, 



32 NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 

have been the increased kindness since the appearance 
of your paper where she was put in print, she having 
been previously rather distrustful whether Nicholas 
was indeed the eminent man he represented, but on 
seeing him to be really your Sportive Editor, and as 
such in the possession of a moderate but certain in- 
come, immediately came up-stairs to inquire whether 
the Prophet would object to such a thing being offered 
as a few shrimps for a relish to his tea, and very nice 
they were. Yes, Sir, woman's heart is indeed a well- 
spring of affection ; and I send you a slight instalment 
of a poem on the subject in emulation of the " Elegy 
in a Country Churchyard." I call it an " Elegy in a 
Bermondsey Parlour," and the first line must be under- 
stood as purely figurative, taking such a liberty in real 
life being what Nicholas would never dream of doing 
so if sober : — 

" Here rests his head upon the lap of Cripps, 
A Prophet who to Fun was well beknown ; 
But Fortune frowned on his autumnal tips, 
And Grardevisure marked him for her own." 

And may send you other specimens of what he will 
venture to invoke as the Eligiac Mews. 

But if you, Sir, have been more than kind, and if 
Mrs. Cripps be all my fancy painted her, only in still 
more roseate hues, how different has been the treatment 
he receives from many who ought to have known better ! 

Never until Michaelmas had your Prophet been 
behind hand with the rent for his Belgravian mansion, 
and to all his servants he was really benevolent. And 
yet, Sir, what were the expressions of the landlord 
when told that Nicholas must relinquish his palatial 
abode, and would be glad of a little time to make up 



Nicholas's notes. 83 

the quarter's rent ? Sir, lie said, " I am glad to get 
rid of you at any price, and to free my house from the 
incubus of a notorious betting-man, who has at length 
met with the proper fate of his disgraceful avocations ;"' 
and this, Sir, after many is the glass of sherry wine that 
he has partook at my expense ! 

This is not the only indignity your Nicholas has 
had to endure. His valet, meeting him promiscuous 
at a public I use, absolutely turned up his purse-proud 
nose at one who had seen better days, and spoke of him 
to the landlady as " a low reporter ;' ? but I remembered 
the dignity of Literature, Sir, as one entrusted with 
your confidence, and bearing likewise in mind the 
period at which I have arrived, Nicholas forebore to 
smite the arrogant menial to the earth, and being a 
very nicely sanded floor, and only regarded him with a 
contumelious expression to which the glare of the 
angriest basilisk is a gentle glance of connubial affec- 
tion. And then, Sir, leaving the house and paying my 
score with a conscious dignity of a honest though a 
ruinous old man, I wended my way to another esta- 
blishment, where a man is still treated as a man in 
spite of unmerited pecuniary affliction, and washed 
away the memory of the insult in a glass of something 
warm. 

A few of my friends are talking of " A Nicholas 
Testimonial," in recognition of his services to the Turf. 
You may possibly remember, Sir — not that you know 
much about sportive matters, nor ever did, though the 
ablest of editors and the best of friends — that a similar 
compliment was recently paid to Admiral Rous. 

Nicholas, 

I have a good thing for next year's Derby. 



34 Nicholas's notes. 

Beemondsey. 

" When tilings are at the worst they're sure to mend," 
is a saying in respect of which Nicholas will only assert 
that, supposing such to be true, now is the time for 
them to do so. A splendid opportunity now presents 
itself to Fortune's revolving wheel, and no flies ; and if 
life is but a seesaw I object to the present situation of 
my end of the plank. What says the Poet ? Why he 
says, does that gifted writer whom I do not remember 
his name, that " A sorrow's crown of sorrows is remem- 
bering happier things." That's where it is, Sir ; that's 
where the shoe pinches ; that's where a poor and ruinous 
old man really finds out that his corns are hurting of 
him. I have "a sorrow's crown of sorrows," audit's 
pretty nearly the only crown I have, or even half such. 
" What then ? " it may be asked by the individuous and 
the proud, which many is the contumelious upstart as 
once gladly partook of sherry wine at the old man's 
expense, though now exulting over the fallen trunk of 
the monarch of the forest glade, speaking metaphorical. 
" What then ? Nicholas, you forlorn and abandoned 
old tout, this ain't the first time you've been down upon 
your luck. You're used to it, you are, you fond and 
talkative old tipster ! " 

Talkative he may be, and a tipster he is ; nor will 
Nicholas deny that he have often been down upon his 
luck, more's the pity; but it all depends upon your 
condition previous, and the height from which you fall. 
It is one thing to fall off of a easy chair, but quite 
another guess sort of matter to be hurled impetuous 
from the topmost summit of Himalaya's snowy peak, 
When the Prophet was in comparatively humble life— 
though an honester elderly man never took in Buff's 



Nicholas's notes. 35 

Guide to the Turf- — a run of bad luck simply meant 
restricting of himself in a few of his little comforts, and 
keeping carefully out of the way until it should blow 
over ; but since then, Sir, Nicholas had risen by his 
own unaided talent to a pedestal of prosperity quite 
palatia] in its character ; and at my period it is hard 
to have to begin the world again, there being more 
competition than ever, and to shrink from the Bel- 
gravian magnate dispensing of elegant refreshment to 
the good and great on a scale of profusion combined 
with every delicacy of the season and sherry wine, down 
to the humble inmate of a low Bermondsey lodging- 
house, though no offence is intended to Mrs. Cripps, 
than whom a kinder nor a better woman, though a little 
looking after her rent. 

Many of my Job's comforters say— and goodness 
knows advice is cheap — " Why don't you take a hair of 
the dog that bit you ? You suffered through blind 
confidence in a noble but over- weighted animal. Never 
mind ; have another shy ; fling in your old castor to the 
ring once more, and put the pot on ! " 
How can I ? 

Sir, the racing season is over ! 

Literary labour, Mr. Editor, must to Nicholas be 
that sheet-anchor of prosperity which, though often 
nipped in the bud, ultimately unfurls its wings upon a 
prouder pedestal than ever ! And he will accordingly 
commence as soon as possible his Review of the Sportive 
Season of 1865, as well as his 

History of Knuer and Spell. 

Nicholas. 

P.S. — I have a good thing for next year's Derby. 



36 Nicholas's notes. 

P.S. ISTo. 2. — Do you not think, Sir, that the time 
have now arrived for raising of the Prophet's salary ? 
The winter is likely to be a hard one ; beef is at a shil- 
ling per pound ; and though Mrs. Cripps is goodness 
itself, she rather prefers being paid the rent at regular 
intervals to being told that it will be all right in a day 
or two, though temporary ill-convenient to settle, and 
once so far forget herself as to denominate him, when 
he tried to pacify her with a joke, as a superannuated 
old buffoon. 



Nicholas on the Festive Season. 

Beemondsey. 
The Prophet begs to thank Mr. Editor for graciously 
inserting his little poetical card in reference to the 
Christmas party at Nicholas' own happy two pair back. 
A contented mind is a continual feast, and though he 
could only offer M. Jean Godin, which was the one 
gentleman of all your once-affable staff, that accepted 
the invitation, a hermit's fare, as all will admit a piece 
of roast beef to consist of, on such an occasion, yet the 
party went off with great eclaw, one of Nicholas' own 
family having recognized me at last and took me up, 
and he being himself quite a merchant prince in the 
general grocery and was once on the very brink of 
becoming a churchwarden, may yet resume my position 
and cut a dash in civic society, such being based on a 
prouder pinnacle of commercial prosperity than the 
gilded saloons of an effeminate aristocracy which was 
once hand and glove with the old man and only too 
eager to get on his selections for coming events. He 



Nicholas's notes. 37 

fell ; Fortune, that fickle jade, deserted him ; and of all 
who once put their legs under the Prophet's mahogany 
in Belgravia, from jour own other contributors (than 
whom I am sure) down to peers of the realm, not one 
has found him out in his Bermondsey retreat. Ah, such 
is life, but luck may take a turn — and if my cousin 
should continue to take me up, as I hope for the best, 
and the Derby selection turn out prophetically inspired, 
you will all of you be glad enough to rally around me 
again, with your " Well, Mr. Nicholas, here's your good 
health, Sir, in a glass of sherry wine." I know the 
world ; I know it to be as hollow as a race that is sold ; 
—but I bear no malicious rankerings in my bosom, and 
I wish you all a much happier New Year and many 
more of them than it is the Prophet's candid opinion 
you really deserve. 

Luck has turned ; I always knew it would ; and I 
trust I shall know how to conduct myself in restored 
affluence when it comes to pass, as it will, as well as I 
did when the bitter blasts of pecuniary adversity had 
swept me from my pinnacle and blew derisively around 
my prophetic head. Nicholas. 

I have a good thing for this year's Derby. 



Peckham. 

Mr. Nicholas presents his very friendly and quite 
cordial compliments to the Editor of Fun, whose missive 
(if an exceedingly uncalled for and peremptorial and in- 
dividuous note, not even sealed with wax, but in a mere 
gummed envelope like the lowest of the low) did not 
reach him at those temporal premises in Bermondsey 



38 Nicholas's notes. 

which shielded for a time your Prophet's hoary head 
against the pelting of pitiless impecuniosity, not to 
speak of many who would have gladly locked me up. 

The best thanks of Mr. Nicholas are due to that 
very worthy person Mrs. Cripps, who forwarded the 
note to the house where the Prophet now resides, 
the honoured guest of a relation who has took him 
up. 

Mr. Nicholas has known the lap of prosperity and 
he has, if he may be allowed the expression, often curled 
himself up like a dog on the doorstep of adversity. But 
he is now basking in the mild halo of the middle classes 
— a halo that only blooms once in a hundred years 
sixty of which he can vouch for as being within his 
period. 

The epithets " Come, old man, put your best foot 
foremost, we want your Derby selection, and the printers 
are waiting for your history of Knurr and Spell," may 
not have been intended as contumelious nor designed to 
bring a tear ; but it w as in very different terms, Sir, 
that you were once wont to address him ; and he will 
gladly suppose you wrote such after dinner, the caliph- 
gravy being of a shambling sort, and youth will be 
served. The Prophet is far too mature a sportive cove 
to grudge any one his fling, but it will not mitigate 
your dying hour to remember that you heaped the more 
casual and promiscuous ashes on a timeworn heart 
bowed down. 

Thanks to my relative and his commercial ante- 
cedents, the Prophet now wants for nothing, but will 
gladly continue his flirtation with the Mewses in the 
columns of your New Serious, and hopes henceforward 
to be able to devote more leisure to the purely literary 



Nicholas's notes. 39 

portion of his task, having endeavoured to form a good 
English style by devoting of his days and nights to the 
study of the Daily Press. 

THE SPOETIYE ElALENDEE FOR 1866. 

JANUAEY. 

January— so called from " Jane/' a domestic, and 
" airey " her Paphian bower — is adapted rather for the 
youthful sportsman, always a good deal after the manner 
of a fool, and committing excesses which have after- 
wards to be atoned for by stethoscopes and post-mor- 
tems, — than for a mature cove, who, if in affluence, will 
very properly stop at home with a glass of something 
warm and the columns of the Daily Press, Britain's 
Palladium. 

Skating. — Nothing can be more seasonable, and he 
was once as fond of it as angling, but at a certain period 
you would much rather be safe at home with the columns 
of the Daily Press, that fourth estate, and a glass of 
something warm. 

Swimming. — I have wrote this down because desired 
by my relative who once won a silver cup, But yon. 
don't find your Prophet trying to do so. 

Nicholas. 



Peczham, 
Literary pursuits, however delightful, are not per- 
haps quite so attractive when a Prophet is basking in 
the lapse of luxury as when your poor old man is com- 
paratively speaking down upon his luck. From the 
time when a weekly remittance ceases to be like the 
liberty of the press and the air we breathe— which, if 



40 Nicholas's notes. 

we have such, not, we die — from the time when the 
bounty of a relative in return for private tips given in 
advance have soothed the path of honest and middle- 
aged toil, — from that instant, Mr. Editor, a Prophet is 
apt to be irregular in sending of his copy into you. Wot 
to attempt deceptive treatment of one whose character 
I admire, he having always paid me on the nail for 
work done, Nicholas will plainly confess that he has 
been living, so to speak, in clover, and wallowing in 
refined enjoyments, such as a quiet evening with a little 
music, to which he had long been comparative a 
stranger. The Prophet, Sir, has not wasted his time ; 
he and his august Relative, than whom I am sure a 
better man never drew the breath of retail trade, though 
a little apt to have forgotten Nicholas' existence until 
he heard, trumpet-tongued, of his literary fame — both 
of us, Mr. Editor, have made our books. Early. They 
may be subject to modifications. Post betting is all 
very well ; but it wouldn't suit a Prophet to encourage 
such. 

The Sheffield Independent, Mr. Editor, is a paper 
which Nicholas esteems, with which is incorporated 
admiration ; but when he wrote as follows, on the 10th 
of February this annum, oh, why did not his heart mis- 
give him ? — 

" George Moseorth, oe Shire Green, Forkmaker, v. Wil- 
liam Cutts the Younger, oe Ecclesfield, File Cutter.— In 
this case, Mr. Binney, jun., was for the plaintiff, and Mr. Cham- 
bers was for the defendant. The action was brought to recover 
40s., balance of a sum of 50s. deposited with the defendant, as 
stake -holder on a game of knurr and spell — a peculiar game, 
of which an exposition has been promised in Fun at different 
times for two years past, on the supposition that it is one of those 
things that no fellow can be expected to understand ; and the comic 



Nicholas's notes. 41 

sporting contributor has himself acted on this supposition, for we 
believe the exposition has never been given. This particular game 
was plajed between the two men named Ospring and Brown, but 
the referee was dissatisfied, or aggrieved, and left the ground. The 
plaintiff, therefore, now sought to recover his stake, on the ground 
that the match had not been fulfilled. Mr. Chambers, however, 
upset this plea, and his honour gave judgment for the defendant, 
but without costs." 

Sir, part of this is true. I admit, in the largest 
capitals you like. 

My history of Knurs and Spell have not yet 
appeared. 

No, Sir ; nor ivill it if I am thus subjected to inti- 
midation, arising (no doubt) from a very excusable 
feeling of disappointment. 

A work, Mr. Editor, like my " Knurr and Spell " or 
Gibboon's "Decline and Fall " is the fruit of patient 
researches and of classic lore. Nicholas may be led, 
Sir, but lie won't be drove. He is at present collecting 
of bis materials, perhaps nearer Sheffield than the 
Editor of the Independent is aware ; ba, ha, tbou pro- 
vincial contemporary ! 

But Nicholas is sure that the notice is kindly meant 
though a little gay. If I thought otherwise, old as 
I am, would fight him now, catch-weight, for fifty 
pound aside, if my Relative behaved as I think he would. 

Or, secondly, I ivill play him at the game itself, and 
you, Sir, sball be umpire, if you are quite sure that you 
know enough about the rules to enable you to see fair ! 

Nicholas. 

P.S. (1). — I have a good thing for tbe Derby. 

P.S. (2).— In active preparation, and will shortly 
be produced, 

A History of "Knurr and Spell. 



42 Nicholas's notes. 

Anticipations of the Derby, and Propheoy for the 
University Boat Race. 

Peczham. 
The poet Campbell, than whom I am sure a more 
energetic bard though a little less generally read than 
he used to be, has remarked that 

" 'lis the sunset of life gives us mystical lore, 
And coming events cast their shadows afore !" 

Such are my own sentiments, although the old man is 
still worth half-a-dozen sunsets any day in the week. 
This period, however, is that which is alluded to casual 
by another bard to the effect that 

" Old experience did attain 
To something like prophetic strain." 

The " prophetic strain" of Nicholas is " something 
like!" 

In this, the First Number of the Third Volume of 
the New Serious, the Prophet will take a comprehen- 
sive glance (like a bird) over the sportive world, and 
tell you what I see there. If you like, Sir, you can put 
it in the form of a Vision, and calling of it 

The Prophet's Dream. 

I. 

Ha! ha! 

I see a multitude, a mighty multitude — ever so 
many coves, in point of fact, from Britannia's Hope and 
Cambria's Pride, riding on horseback and smoking of a 
princely Havannah, down to the promiscuous Welsher 
and the casual tout. 

I see a broad and open heath, truly spacious, and 
affording an eligible opportunity for the favourite old 
English sport of running the Derby next May. 



Nicholas's notes. 43 

The Prophet's gaze stretches far and wide. I see 
them — at last ! They're off ! 

Who has Won ? 

The Prophet's gaze suddenly becomes cloudy and 
obscure, as if Nicholas had had too much to drink over 
night, though goodness knows, it was only a casual 
glass of sherry wine, and stood him by a relative, for 
the matter of that. 

Who are the First Three ? 

The Prophet's gaze cannot tell you at present, my 
noble sportsmen ; but would only advise you not to put 
your money on Lord Lyon, 

II. 

Ha ! ha ! 

I see a multitude, a mighty multitude — ever so 
many coves, in point of fact, from Britannia's Hope 
and Cambria's Pride, standing on the paddle-box and 
smoking of a princely Havannah, down to the promis- 
cuous stoker and the low bargee. 

I see the noble river, Father Thames. 

Hail to the Prophet's gaze, ye noble Father Thames ! 

Ha! ha! 

These are the children of Cambridge, that splendid 
old Alma Mater, at which Nicholas did not receive the 
greater portion of his early education. 

Yonder sit the' sons of Oxford, a famous University 
to which the same personal remark applies. 

They're off! The Prophet shouts like a good 'un. 
It is a glorious struggle ! Well rowed, thou plucky 
Cantabs ! Bravo, thou strong Oxonians ! 

Who has Won ? 

Wouldst ye know, thou sportive public ? Then gaze 
upon the rosette worn by Nicholas after the race, one 



44 Nicholas's notes. 

of two which he brought down with him so as to be 
prepared for whatever might happen ! Gaze upon that 
rosette, and ye know the winner. 

III. 

Ha ! ha ! 

I see a multitude, a mighty multitude — ever so 
many coves, in point of fact, but Britannia's Hope and 
Cambria's Pride is not present, and (accordingly) is not 
smoking of a princely Havannah. In fact, take it as a 
whole, the crowd is rather a low one than principally 
composed of men of rank and title. 

Wouldst thou know what mysterious purpose has 
brought them hither ? 

" We wouldst," ye answer. Listen to your Nicholas. 
Perhaps you think it is the fight between Mace and 
Goss ? Perhaps you would like a tip ? 

No, thou credulous subscribers ! 

Look at yonder couple ! ' Tis they ! 

The Prophet's gaze outvies that of the ordinary 
eagle as he bends his glittering orbs upon a public 
place in the neighbourhood of Sheffield, and marks the 
merry sport. 

They are playing at Knurr and Spell. 

Ha ! ha ! Nicholas. 

I have a good thing for the Two Thousand. 



Our Prophecy for the Boat Race. 

Putney. 
With a fidelity to the interests of your paper as a 
sportive organ only equalled by that of the domestic 
needle to the pole, the Prophet has temporary left his 



Nicholas's notes. 45 

snug abode in Peckkam, and taken np his quarters in 
lodgings at this place, which as you are well aware of, is 
situated on the banks of the Thames. And here will 
Nicholas remain, with the exception of an occasional 
run up to town, just to look in at TattersaLTs, and lay 
the odds with a duke or two, until the great contest of 
next Saturday is over. 

It cannot be truthfully stated that your old man was 
ever much of an aquatieal celebrity, he having always 
fought rather shy of cold water, and once when rowing 
in a wherry with a young woman, who afterwards threw 
him over at the last moment, was run down by a racing- 
gig, which long had a tendency to envenomize his mind 
against boating in general. Such prejudice may have 
been subsequentially removed, but it is necessarily still 
dormant in my mind at my period of life. 

Nor has Nicholas generally been fortunate in his 
adventures at the race itself. No later than last year 
when I was talking perfectly affable to a young mar- 
chioness as I know, the Prophet was upset into the stream 
ignominiously by the tow-rope of a barge, so that Nicho- 
las had to go home and change his trousers, besides 
being chivied as an old guy. 

Nevertheless, Mr. Editor, on behalf of your paper 
and of the sportive public — by which he does not mean 
a pugilistical tavern, but the athletic men of merry, 
merry England, chorus, — Nicholas has again exposed 
himself to the perils of the deep, and in your next 
impression will give the name of the absolute winner, 
together with a minute account, graphic, personal, and a 
little gay, of the race itself. What is really wanted of 
him, however, at the present moment is no doubt a pro- 
phecy, and such he will now make. 



46 NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 

Cambridge are better than last year; but so are 
Oxford. 

Superstitious people will tell you that luck will have 
a turn. Your Prophet says ISTo ! 

With the kindliest feelings towards the manly Can- 
tabonians, Nicholas is still bound to wear 

The Old Dark Blue, 

and to place them as follows :— 

Oxford .:. 1 

Cambridge 2 

Friday-night, the Twenty-third — it is the Twenty- third 
isn't it ? — well, I don't know after twelve o'clock— 
I should rather think it was, too, old fellow ! Twenty- 
fourth and say no more about it. Shixty-shix. 

The amicable contest between the sister Universities, 
than whom I am sure none more respectable though a 
little gay, of the Isis and the Cam, has long been felt 
deeply interesting by all who were deeply interested in 
the amicable contest between the sister Universities of 
the Isis and the Cam ; and a party of distinguished 
students from the banks of both the Isis and the Cam, 
knowing the Prophet's period of life, and anxious to keep 
me square for to-morrow — no, this is to-morrow — 
anxious as they were yesterday to keep me square, last 
night and this cold, chilly morning have steadily been 
plying Nicholas with the most delicious — delicious— 
with the most delicious evervexing drinks, gentlemen, 
that the Prophet has ever tasted from the banks of 
either the Isis or the Cam — I say, gentlemen, or the 
Cam, in their amicable contest which has long been felt 
so deeply interesting on t&e sister shores of the Isis and 



47 

the Cam. Not another drop — will do his duty to his 

Editor to the last — well, if I must, let it be a little 

brandy hot with Gentlemen, gentle — men, we shall 

have a long ride of it from here to Putlake And 

gentlemen, — don't go ! — we shall be safe to want some 

more refreshment at Mortney, when the crews — bless 'em 

both ! — have rowed np from Putlake — dorCt go, yet ! — - 

stand by the old man — will do his duty to his Editor to 

the last in the amicable contest between the Isis against 

the Cam ! I shay the Prophet's got — good thing — 

Derby. P.S. — Knnrr and Spell. 

Saturday Morning. 

Further P.S. — Oxford won— Cambridge two. 



Triumphant Success of Nicholas ! Successful Triumph 

of the Prophet ! ! Nicholas Eight Again ! ! ! 

Nicholas Named the Absolute First and Second 

in the University Eace ! ! ! ! The Prophet's 

Profits ! ! ! ! ! Disgraceful Practical Joke upon 

the Editor !!!!!! 

Peckham. 

Mr. Editor, — Where are we now, sir ? Upon what 
kind of pinnacle do you imagine that your Prophet is 
now asserting of his proud pre-eminence as a Sportive 
organ ? Was there any doubt about his vaticinations 
this time ? Did he use mysterious and ambiguical 
terms, concealing his meaning behind half Johnson's 
Dixonary ? 

No, sir, he did not ! Long before the race, he selected 
the crew on which he felt disposed to piteh his prophetic 



48 Nicholas's notes. 

fancy ; and his absolute prophecy, vide your own 
columns in the New Serious for the week before the 
race, was, 

Oxford 1 

Cambridge 2 

"Well, sir, and what was the actual bona-fide result ? 

OxfordEight 1 

Cambridge Eight 2 

Chiswick Ait 

The Prophet is bound to confess that, not being 
exactly quite so much of an aquatical authority as when 
he takes his stand upon his native turf, and his name is 
Nicholas; he was not himself aware, previous to the 
morning of the race, that Chiswick was engaged in it ; 
nor did he recognize, speaking personally, any boat of 
that description ; but as the Chiswick Ait is frequently 
referred to by rowing men, I will not rob a poor village 
of its due, though unsuccessful. 

After so complete a triumph, it goes against the heart 
of a man, especially at Nicholas's period, to complain of 
anything that may wear the complexion of individuality 
or blame ; but the Prophet, sir, is bound to say that you 
were grossly imposed upon, and ought to have exercised 
greater editorial care, when you printed, as though it 
came from Nicholas's own hand, a portion of my last 
impression, which would lead to the idea that the Prophet 
were the worse for drink. Those who know his character 
would not believe such ; but it might, nevertheless, have 
injured him with the majority of the British public, than 
whom I am sure a greater fool, though a little inclined 
to be bumptious, 



Nicholas's notes. 49 

I allude, sir, to that portion of my graphic and de- 
scriptive report which is supposed to have been written 
on the night before the race, and which I am sure any- 
body, to look ab a good deal of its authorgraphy might 
fairly suppose Nicholas to be either grossly illiterative 
or else shockingly mops and brooms, but the honest 
truth, Mr. Editor, is that whilst the sentiments and 
opinions and general style are those of the Prophet, and 
of which he is justly proud, the blunders are those of 
a young Oxford man which wrote it down from my own 
lips, but the champagne, he being rather a feeble sort of 
young fellow though generous as the day, had affected 
his authorgraphy, and I have often noticed that whilst 
they may be very good at heathenish classicals, Univer- 
sity men can't hold a candle as concerns English 
grammar compared with them what has been educated 
in more modern academies and picked it up ac- 
cording. 

One thing the Prophet is resolved upon after this 
unfortunate accident : never again will Nicholas submit 
to dictation. 

You will be glad to hear, and so I am sure will the 
athletic men of merry, merry England, that Nicholas 
put the pot on heavy ; and if similarly successful on the 
other great events may look forward, without arrogance, 
to a speedy return to those Belgravian saloons which he 
adorned but got tired of. 

Nicholas. 

P.S. — Shortly will be published, uniform with 
"Rous on Racing," only racier, " Knurr and Spell: a 
History." Give your orders early. 

He cuts the following from his esteemed contem- 
porary, The Sporting Life, than whom a more vivacious 



50 Nicholas's notes. 

and well-informed periodical for the money, though a 
little gay : — 

" Knubb and Spell.— Ctjtts and Oxspjring.— This match has 
resulted in each man drawing his own money." 

Of course ! Any one familiar with the game might 
have foreseen such a result from the beginning. The 
Prophet's own work on the subject (illustrated by gra- 
photype) is in active preparation. 



The Race for the Guineas! Singular Triumph of 
Nicholas ! ! The Old Man named the Absolute 
Last for the Two Thousand ! ! ! Subscribers, he 
sent tou Oxford for the Boat Race ! ! ! ! The Pro- 
phet gives a Tip for the Chester Cup ! ! ! ! ! Who 
is the only Safe Adviser ?????? Nicholas, 
Nicholas !!!!!!! 

Peckham. 
The Prophet, whose candour is not inferior to his 
courage — indeed, it has been often remarked indivi- 
duously that they are much of a muchness, meaning 
thereby to convey the idea that he possesses very little of 
either — is not going to try to humbug an intelligent 
editor by saying that he positively foretold Lord Lyon 
as the absolute winner of the Two Thou. Quite the 
contrary. Despite the public form of that good and 
gifted horse, Nicholas said, " Don't you back him, sir!" 
and accordingly a leaf from the Prophet's chaplet may 
be said at present to resemble more closely a piece of 
rotten cabbage than anything in the laurel line. Your 
old man, sir, has done enough — he has sufficiently 
established his world-wide reputation amongst the 



NICHOLAS'S NOTES. . 51 

athletic men of merry, merry England — to enable him 
to confess a failure — wlien he fails ! 

But, sir and subscribers, did he fail ? Was his 
failure complete in its totality ? or, rather, was he not 
the happy instrument of sending you and your readers, 
than whom I am sure, advice which was literally worth 
more than its weight in gold ? Let us see. 

So long ago as April, the Prophet put you all on 
your guard against one of the most notorious imposters 
(subsequentiaily proved) in the race. (In the race, 
indeed ! He never was in it ! Parenthesis. Now go on, 
Messrs. Printers and Co,, as if nothing had happened). 
In the place referred to, yon will find these prophetic 
warnings :— 

" Nicholas neveb prophesied Student!" 

It gives a thrill of honest joy, sir, to a bosom at my 
period, when I reflect that this seasonable caution may 
have saved many a young and ardent spirit (by which 
nothing liquorish is meant) from ruination. 

Yet, was even this the only service rendered by one 
whom nothing but a feeling of proper pride compels me 
not to allow to be nameless ? ISTo. Why, sir, in the 
very latest number, Nicholas thus described a private 
trial of the French horse — print straight on, same as 
this, the extract being too long for capitals — after de- 
scribing, in a few brief but graphic touches, the scene 
of the trial, and the appearance of a mysterious figure, 
Nicholas says, " Welcome, ye Count de Lagrange, 
proprietor of the sweetest animal the Prophet ever 
backed " (such meaning Gladiateur, whose name will 
ever be imperishably associated with my own appella- 



52 NICHOLASES NOTES. 

tion). "Look — Auguste is tried, Auguste is found 
wanting. " 

Thus, sir, I wrote ; for thus was the prophetic afflatus 
stirring me. 

And what, sir, was the result ? I quote from the 
contemporaneous chroniclers of sport : " The last of all 
was Auguste, who pulled up very lame." 

On the whole, therefore, his tip was tolerably success- 
ful by way of warning young men against vicious 
speculations, which are sure to lead them to ruin in the 
long run ; and although it is quite true that I did not 
send you the absolute first, nevertheless remember 
always that 

Nicholas sent you the absolute last! 
# # m # # 

Nicholas. 



Peckham. 

Subscribers all, and ye, Mr. Editor, the old man 
gives you joy ! Once more has the sagacity of Nicholas 
been vindicated by the event; once more, if you have 
all been faithful to his tips, and put the pot on heavy, 
ye must have cleared enormous sums. 

Whilst other vaticinators went wool-gathering after 
Delight and Baragah, both of which broke down dis- 
astrous, what did Nicholas send you ? It is true that 
he did not name Dalby as the positive first, but he gave 
you two to select from, and what was 

The Second in his Peophecy? Redcap! 

Very good, he can say no fairer than such ; but permit 
him to put another question. What was 

The Second in the Race ? Redcap ! ! 



Nicholas's notes. 53 

Facts like these, Mr. Editor, speak trumpet-tongued ; 
or, if such an illustration may be allowed, like a whole 
brass band, in favour of your Sportive Editor, clearly 
proving his sapiency and worth. 

Subscribers, I feel that I am again in my old form, 
and trust you will remit the Prophet liberal out of 
winnings. 

There was a time when be was temporary under a 
cloud, like many other eminent characters have been so, 
such as Napoleon at Caprera, and Garibaldi at St. 
Helena ; but what, after all, is life, sir, except a succes- 
sion of see-saws, by which I do not mean maritime pro- 
verbs, but upses and downses ? 

Wealth may vanish, and the occupant of abodes 
truly palatial may be driven to a parlour at Mrs. Cripp's 
in Bermondsey ; station may be mutable ; but I will 
freely tell you, Mr. Editor, what it is which is superior 
to the vacillations of Fortune and Change. It is Genius, 
Mr. Editor ; it is that sacred spark which you will find 
freely scattered up and down my writings, and which 
have made me a Household Word. With Genius, and 
really good information from the chief training quarters, 
which it is always the Prophet's object to procure — with 
such qualities, sir, an honest man may say with the poet, 
" And mistress of herself though China fall !" 

But will now pass on to fresh fields and pastors new. 

Nicholas. 



The Vision of Nicholas. 

Peckham. 
No sooner, Mr. Editor, did the old man receive your 
Somewhat peremptory orders to be prophetical and 



54 Nicholas's notes. 

visionary than he made ready for such a course, although 
under difficulties. To tell the honest truth, the vision 
of Nicholas is no longer what it was except with the aid 
of glasses, though, thanks be, he is not yet in such a 
condition as poor old Homer, better known perhaps as 

" The blind old bird of Sigh-oh's rocky aisle ! 7 

Feelings of anxiety, Sir, mingle with those of pride 
when the prophet is informed that you are going to 
publish my portrait. If it is faithful I care not who 
sees it, though free to admit that at one period of my 
prophetical career I was averse from anything which 
might lead to my personal identification, many a backer 
having sworn to break every bone in that a rascally old 
tout's " body, meaning Nicholas's. Your arfcises will, 
I am sure, do their best for the old man, and if the 
gentleman who draws it should give satisfaction and 
Fortune smile on my tip, will be ready to meet him 
over a friendly glass of sherry wine. 

With regard to " any suggestions I may have to 
offer," as you kindly state, do you not think, Sir, that 
the nose of Nicholas ought to be a little toned-down in 
a pictorial drawing of that organ ? The old man hopes 
that he is not vanity- glorious, though considered far 
from bad-looking in his palmy zenith ; but a nose, Sir, 
especially when exposed a good deal to the weather, is 
scarcely one of those things that can be improved by 
keeping ; and the ruddy hue which is considered the 
emblem of innocence on a maiden's cheek, might be 
mistaken on a prophet's nose for the result of systematic 
inebriety. Then, Sir, you might give the artis a hint 
about the old man's dress, brushing him up a bit, so to 
speak, and making him look spruce. If these little 



Nicholas's notes. 55 

matters are attended to, I have no doubt but what the 
picture will be worthy of Raffles, or even of those early 
Greeks (one of whom I take to be of Welsh extraction 
by his name, Greeks and Welshers going well together), 
Ap Ellis and Zookses. 

These remarks perhaps need not be printed, as, if 
you suppress them, it will tend to keep up the illusion, 
and if I were you I should omit them (paying the 
Prophet all the same), and go slap dash into some such 
title as this— 

" The Vision of Nicholas, in Several Fits, 55 
Not of course meaning to convey the idea that the old 
man is a-foaming at the mouth, but like the ancient 
ballads, which I dare say you may have heard of, Sir. 

Fit the First, 

Descend ye Mews ! 

I wouldst be inspired as quickly as possible, with a 
view to the Derby Double Number of the New Serious, 
so that I may be all there at what Lord Palmerston 
truly called " our Ishmael Games-." 

N.B. This is what they call an invocation, aud is 
supposed to be wrote, not by Nicholas himself, but by 
another person, a young poet, as you will see as you go 
along. 

Ha ! the gentle influence descends, and a pleasurable 
sort of drowsiness seems pervading of my limbs, whilst 
my mental orbs acquire a range of vision to which Lord 
Rosse's telescope is blinkers. 

The Second Fit. 
What do I see ? 
Ha ! I see, reclining gently on a couch, the form of 



56 Nicholas's notes. 

an elderly man. His countenance beams with benevo- 
lence and genius. I wish, he were my papa. 

There can only be two old men who would look so 
innocent when they slept. It must be either Mr. 
Peabodt or Mk. Nicholas. From the fact of there being 
sherry wine in the neighbourhood, I am inclined to 
think that it is more likely to be the latter than the 
former. 

I will approach. His lips are moving. He breathes. 

Although it is hardly a gentlemanly kind of thing 
to do, I will listen, and make my bets in accordance. 
He is a-talking in his sleep. 

Pit III. (to be printed with inverted kommers.) 
" Ah ! deary me, deary me — and so they drove the 
horse-watchers off the ground, did they ? Well, that's 
a good 'un, any how ! Many's the time it was done to 
the old man himself, before I got respectable. How 
things do alter, to be sure ! 

" Hmnhh, grrh !" (Note — This is Nicholas snoring.) 
" A poor old man, sir ; but will do his best for his 
employers, bar none ! 

" Methinks I see the famous Derby cracks 
With jocund jockeys sitting on their backs, 
"Which first of all appears that sturdy scion 
Of Stockwell and of Paradigm, Lord Lyon, 
The betting being the Bank of England to a button 
In favour of the property of Mr. Sftton !" 

" Something queer about the feet — not Lord Lyon's— 
mine ! If the Editor wants it done in poetry, he ought 
to pay double, at my time of life. 

" Eaise, merry shepherds, raise the vocal shout : 
The Lord may yet be beaten by the Lout ; 



Nicholas's notes. 57 

And if I had time I would write a long acrostic 
On my original selection, Bustle." 

" The rhyme ain't quite what it might be. Print it 
with a 0. 

" I envy not the invidious man 
Who takes a liberty with bold Redan, 
One of the finest as has ever ran ! 

" That's what they call a triplet, I believe ! 

" Fortune, fair maid, assist me ! Prythee, stick, oh, lass, 
To the good and gifted prophet, known as Nicholas ! 
Blue Riband next appears, with Bribery Colt, 
The latter with a tendency to bolt j 
And to make all serene on this occasion, 
The Prophet's eagle eye selects Yespasian ; 
One more outsider might make all things pleasant, 
Suppose, accordingly, the Knight o' the Crescent! 
"Whilst should another still upset the pot, 
It may be found among Lord Glasgow's lot !" 

" Pity they had to scratch Student, ain't it, Sir ? He 
would have made the prettiest rhyme to prudent, with 
reference to place-betting, that a prophet could have 
wished. 

"Hmnhh, grrh !" (Note. — This is Nicholas snoring 
again.) 

Fourth Fit. 

" Subscribers, who sent you Gladiateur for Epsom 
and the Leger ? Who sent you Ely for Ascot ? Who 
has already enabled you to make a mint of money this 
present season ? 

" Stick to the old man, and he'll stick to you ! 

" As to Knurr and Spell, gentlemen, it shall all be 
done in good time ; but as I am going to have it illus- 
trated in mezzotint, you should hurry no man's cattle," 



58 Nicholas's notes. 

Pit Five. 

A louder snore than ever resounded through the 
palatial apartment. For a moment the frame of Nicholas 
seemed convulsed with prophetic agonies. He muttered 
feebly, " Rustic— Redan — Blue Riband'' 

And awoke. 

There, sir, you have my idea of how to put it. You 
can pleese yourself about the punctuation, but mind 
that the authorgraphy is printed exactly as it is wrote. 

And, in conclusion, Mr. Editor, and ye, my sub- 
scribers, the athletic men of merry, merry England, 
Nicholas will be upon the Downs himself, along with 
his relative, unless anything better should offer in the 
way of carriage accommodation and refreshment. 

You may easily know the old man, gents ; for he 

will wear a green veil, and have a race- glass slung 

behind me. 

Nicholas. 



Nicholas at his Zenith. 

Belgkavia again. 
Mr. Editor, my worthy friend, huzza ! Let the welkin 
ring with jovial echoes ! Let the joy-bells from a 
hundred steeples go clanging away, like — like mad ! 
Let the beacon-fires be turned on immediate ! And ye, 
thou sportive public, which was true and faithful to the 
Prophet whilst under a temporary cloud, fear not as I 
will desert thee now when Nicholas, speaking figurative, 
is a-lying down upon his back and basking in the efful- 
gent radiancy of that glorious Orb of Day, known to 
men of science as the solar sphere. 



Nicholas's notes. 59 

His heart is in the right place, my good sir, and can 
feel for another. He have stood the bitter blasts of 
poverty, not to mention Mrs. Cripps, than whom per- 
haps a better old sonl though a little not suited to 
Nicholas in his present fashionable orbit. He have 
likewise known what it is to eat the bread of depend- 
ence at the table of a vulgar, a purse-proud, and a stuck- 
up relative, and which I have often mentioned so, but 
will wash my hands off of him. Go to, ye pampered old 
skinflint ! 

Perhaps, my good young man, w e had better put it 
all into little chapters, which make a countrybution look 
pictorial and variedsome. But, first of all, I say again, 
huzza ! 

Chapter One.— In which Nicholas Explains his 
Peophecy. 

It will be within the recollection of the Sportive 
Public that, at one period of his professional career, 
Nicholas was not particularly Barcelona nuts upon 
Lord Lyon. After my almost unprecedented success of 
"Wednesday, I have no occasion to put a gloss upon the 
facts of the case, nor was the Prophet addicted to telling 
gross and wilful falsehoods when the truth seemed 
likely to answer as well. But whilst for some time he 
hesitated to say positive that the Lyon would be first, he 
kept on throwing out hints, vv 7 hich he hopes you may 
have acted on, my worthy editor, and ye my subscribers, 
as I did so myself. Turn, however, to your New Serious, 
page 94, and what do you find wrote down in poetry 
verses ? And, dear sir, if you had any letters of gold, 
now would be your time to republish in that expensive 
but suitable medium, 



60 Nicholas's notes. 

Nicholas' Prophecy of the Absolute Winner ! 

" Which, first op all, appears that sturdy scion 
Of Stockwell and of Paradigm, Loed Lyon ! 
The letting being the Banlc of 'England to a button^ 
In favour of the property of Me. Sutton ! " 

There, do you call that a prophecy, or dost you 
not ? 

So much for the first : and, sir, if you will just order 
one of your other contributors, than whom perhaps a 
better set of fellars for their station in life, though a 
little — well, well, never mind ! — if, sir, you will tell him 
to look back to a previous number, it will there be 
triumphantly avouched that almost at the time when 
he was being driven nowhere in the betting, Nicholas 

sent you 

The Bribery Colt. 

for a place. As to the absolute third, the Prophet need 
scarcely remind his readers that he has all along, 
through good report and evil reporters, been constant 
in his asseverations that amongst the first three would 
be found 

Rustic 

And here, sir, the Prophet might be allowed to 
pause, and rest upon his laurels, speaking of course, meta- 
phorically, itbeingfar too uncertain weather to go sleeping 
about in the open air. To have named the first, second, 
and third in the great national, and I may even say 
hippical contest of the year would in itself be ample to 
satisfy what my friend Ben Disraeli — there's a states- 
man for you ! — calls " a generous ambition." 

But, sir, I did more ! I did ! 



Nicholas's notes. 61 

And this, ye athletic men of merry, merry England, 
is the way in which I poetically commended to your 
notice the absolute fourth : — 

" One more outsider would make all things pleasant. 
Suppose, accordingly, the Knight of the Ceescent ! " 

Chapter Two. — In which Nicholas returns to his 
Belgrayian Halls. 

My clear and definite prophecy — combined with the 
excellent pictorial hieroglyphic, where Lord Lyon is 
again shown as absolute winner and Rustic third, vide 
the cartoon, the artist however having scarcely done 
justice to my own leariness of expression, nor do I think 
such lies within the reach of any of our modern painters, 
bar none, naturally made me the cynicsure of neigh- 
bouring eyes, and the splendid reception that was 
given to me and Mr. Sutton, sir, why ovations is a fool 
to it! 

A good deal of natural curiosity was displayed as to 
the exact amount of the Prophet's winnings, especially 
by his relative. The answer made by Nicholas to that 
contemptible duffer, which has for months been trading, 
so to speak, upon my genius, and showing me about as 
his distinguished literary relative at sporting houses, 
though locking up the cellaret at home every night with 
the characteristic meanness of the lower orders of the 
commercial classes — the answer, sir, of the Prophet to 
that Thing, that purse-proud Yampire, though little 
enough to be proud of in that way now, Nicholas having 
sold him vnth a wrong tip — ha, ha, thou Baffled Tyrant ! 
The answer of the old man was perhaps a little coarse, 
but it shut him up, anyways. It was, "You paddle yer 
own canoe, my bloke, and I'll paddle mine !" 

5 



62 Nicholas's notes. 

Soon after which, the enormous success of Nicholas 
having been buzzed about, up came the landlord of my 
former mansion in Belgravia, which I left rather sudden 
you may remember, at the end of last year's racing 
season, and has not been let ever since, some people 
objecting to a previous tenant. It is not in the old 
man's heart to bear malice, and accordingly we made it 
up, over none of your cheap sherries, but a bottle of 
Sparkling Hock Wine, as soon as he had explained that 
in calling Nicholas "a confounded old swindler" he had 
not intended to cast the faintest slur either upon my 
commercial probity or my personal honour. 

And, sir, as the song says, " Here we are again, here 
we are again, a jolly old dog am I ! " You might give a 
feller a look up, sir, now and then. Such as befriended 
me in my adversity shall not be forsaken now I am 
again, so to speak, wallowing in the lapse of luxury and 
fashion ! 

Nicholas. 



Nicholas "at Home and Abroad." 

Belgbavia, May 21st t 1866. 

My dear Editor, — Previous to commencing of my 
country bution for the present number, a word of expla- 
nation may be advisable with regard to my justly 
lamented absence from the last. You have no doubt 
received a number of letters, especially from the Upper 
Classes, amongst whom, I am proud to say, I am now one 
of them, complaining that Nicholas did not come up to 
time, and it may possibly have been suspected by the 
individuous that the old man was spoiled by success. 



Nicholas's nates. 63 

My dear young friend, never you believe no such a 
thing- ! You were true to him when Fortune darkly on 
me frowned, vide popular song, and he will be faithful 
and constant unto the New Serious until death do us 
part. The truth is, Sir, and ye, my subscribers, 
Nicholas have had a good deal — he does not mean to 
convey in the shape of liquor !— but he have had a good 
deal to distract his attention. 

First and foremost, Sir, ever since the Prophet in- 
stalled himself in his Belgravian mansion, he has been 
subjected to a course of systematic persecution by a 
Relative, which the old man will not soil his gloves by 
naming him more particular. That Connexion, Mr. 
Editor, that Bloodsucking Old Leech have been in the 
hahit, not only of laying in wait for Nicholas at the 
corner of the Square, but of sending up his filthy old 
card at hours the most ill- convenient to a man of my 
habits, and asking for a few moments of conversation. 
The Prophet instructed his menials to say as he was not 
at home, but vain was such, Early one morning, for 
instance, the Extortionising Nuisance forced his way into 
the hall, and shouted up the staircase the following 
coarse remarks: " Now then, Nick, it ain 5 t no go, you 
know ! You ain ; t gone out yet, you know ! Come down 
and meet a honest man, you double-faced old Leg! " To 
order him to be expelled from my mansion was the work 
of a moment — the twinkling of a bell- pull, so to speak ; 
but Nicholas cannot shut his eyes to the fact that the 
use of such language must have produced a derogatorial 
and deucedly bad effect upon the minds of his domestic 
servants. Do you not think so yourself, Sir ? 

Accordingly, the Prophet determined to give him the 
slip, and run over to Paris to have a look at the Inter- 



64 Nicholas's notes. 

national Race for the Grand Prix, pronounce Grong 
Pree. 

Paris, Sir, the capital of Prance, and situated on the 
Eiver Sane, may emphatically be denominated a metro- 
polis, than whom I am sure a more amusing city, though 
perhaps a little immoral. The old man received what is 
generally termed an ovation. 

I write my present countrybution on Wednesday 
morning, and in great haste, as you tell me you are 
obliged to go to Press early — which I think it is a great 
pity; but I am not going to shirk my duties as a 
Prophet, notwithstanding ; and 

My Absolute Winner of the Cup is Gladiateur, 

of COURSE. 

Nicholas. 

P.S. — Whilst in Paris I made inquiries with regard 
to a favourite pastime, of which I am writing the History 
of it, but could not obtain any information worth speak- 
ing of. 



Nicholas on the Aristocracy and Hampton Races. 

Belgbavia, Wednesday, 6 June, 1866. 
My dear Editor, — I have often told you in the 
columns of your New Serious, than which I am sure a 
more amusing print, though a little too cheap, especially 
when double-numbered, that after a storm comes a 
qualm. The exciting events of which the Turf have 
recently been the tappey, as the French say, are natu- 
rally succeeded by a period of comparative stagnation. 
What, sir, are the racing fixtures for the present week of 
grace ? There is the Newton Meeting, and there is the 



Nicholas's notes. 60 

Windsor Meeting, and there is Hampton Races ; but all 
these, sir, are too insignificant to reward Nicholas for 
turning of his prophetic gaze towards them, like a 
peeler's bull's-eye. His reputation; which is now co- 
extensive throughout an empire, than which perhaps 
the sun never sits upon it, is based upon predictions 
relative to the really important hippie contests of the 
year, concerning which he will turn his back on nobody, 
bar none ! but leaves to the eleemosynary tipster and 
the casual tout the duty of describing inferior races. 

Should any of your other country butors go to Hamp- 
ton, let them beware of a seedy, middle-aged cove which 
is now going about the country a-bragging of his being 
my relative, and very likely trying to cadge a glass of 
sherry wine on the strength of it. That he is con- 
sanguineous Nicholas will not deny, nor that there 
may have been a period when the connexion was rather 
more advantageous to the Prophet than otherwise ; but, 
Mr. Editor, I have renounced him and I have shook 
him off. He is an extortionising duffer, and eats peas 
with his knife. There let him lay. 

Nicholas. 

P.S. — Shortly will be produced, illustrated by a 
series of encaustic tiles, my " History of Knurr and 
Spell." 

The match between Oxford and Cambridge ended 
exactly as your prophet foresaw all day. 

I know my faults as well as you or any man, but 
Nicholas in regard to that exciting contest may fear- 
lessly lay claim to the merit of the strictest impartiality. 
You will probably be surprised to hear that the Prophet 
was not educated neither at Cambridge nor yet at 



66 . Nicholas's notes. 

Oxford, though he have often been mistook for a Uni- 
versity man by gents as was a little on, and if he had 
any offspring would certainly send him to the banks of 
the Cam or Isis, regardless of expense. The early cul- 
ture of Nicholas was chiefly conducted of a Sunday, 
and the only thing as I can honestly say in its favour 
is that it was almost entirely of an eleemosynary charac- 
ter, through circumstances painful to recall. It was 
only in later years the Prophet really got fly to the 
Classics, than whom I am sure a more amusing author 
than Horatio Flaccus, though sometimes a little in- 
delicate. Ah, well ; nunc vino pellite cur as ! (Please 
see as this is put with the right authorgraphy, which I 
have copied, it out with my own hand, and it means, as 
you may perhaps have heard, " Let us have a glass of 
sherry wine." 



Anticipations of Goodwood. 

Belgkavia, July 12, 1866. 

My dear young Friend, — One of those periods is now 
approaching which, despite my unrivalled success pro- 
phetically, I always regard them with a certain amount 
of nervousness and anxiety, having now a reputation to 
lose, not to mention lucre. The period, sir, is at hand 
when long before I know the result of the race I am 
called upon to name the winner ; and it stands to reason, 
as I am sure my young friend will admit, who is the soul 
of honour, that such a course cannot have the moral cer- 
tainty conferred by waiting until you know who has won 
and then giving of your tip in accordance. After all, 
however, why should the Prophet tremble ? After the 
good things he has put ye up to, ye wouldst not hastily 



XICEOLAs'o XOXES, 67 

desert his banner even if for once lie should prove un- 
successful. 

Do not imagine, however, as NICHOLAS is in what 
may be called a blue funk. Gentlemen, I vras never 
more sanguine of success in the whole of my vatieina- 
tory career — no, not even when I sent ye the absolute 
first, second, and third for this year's Derby, nor prophe- 
sied the dead heat between General Peel and Ely in the 
Ascot of 1865c 

Glorious Goodwood ! ! ! 

Glorious Goodwood is exactly one of those meetings 
which Nicholas really enjoys. It may no longer be 
quite so select as it was in the days of my youth, before 
the railway brought clown a lot of snobs from London 
into the intermediate neighbourhood ; but it is still the 
resort of the Aristocratical, the Lavish, and the Gay, 
The noblemen of England, our best Palladiums, are 
emphatically all there. The Prophet will put up at 
Bognor, unless invited to Goodwood itself by one who shall 
he nameless, and always glad to see any of the more 
respectable of your readers; but I must draw the line 
somewhere, as I am sure my young friend will admit. 

By the by, it is just possible that a Belative of mine, 
to whom I will only allude periphrastically by saying as 
he is very little better than an out-and-out old Thief, 
may skulk down to Brighton by the third-class excur- 
sion, and try to borrow money on the strength of a 
honoured name ; but do not let him do so, subscribers, 
if ye ever want to see it again ; and if he interferes with 
me, will have him locked up, and so I tell him, which well 
I know he sees your paper regular when able to afford it. 

Now, then, Spirits of the Future, listen to the old 



68 Nicholas's notes. 

invocation, with which he invokes ye ! Descend, ye 
Mews ! 

For the Goodwood Stakes, though seldom fond of 
giving ye the favourite, Nicholas feels bound to speak 
most favourably of 

The Special. 

As for the Cup, the task of Nicholas is of a much 
easier description, and it is with a lively recollection of 
his former triumphs, which many is the bet I have won 
by him, that he sends ye 

Gladiateur ! 

Nicholas. 



Not a Hundred Miles from Sandringham,Norfolkshire. 

Wednesday, 18 July, 1866. 
My dear young Friend, — What I like about Albert 
Edward Princeps is that he bears no malice. Tou have 
already heard how he asked the Old Gentleman, who 
rode ever him in Rotten Row to luncheon at Marl- 
borough House, than where a better glass of sherry 
wine nor yet a more hearty welcome, and have seen a 
good deal of him ever since. Accordingly, when he 
asked your Nicholas, as one gentleman to another, 
whether he would like to run down to Norfolkshire, the 
Prophet immediately did so — not literally running down, 
the distance being far too great, not to mention the 
state of the temperature or my own period, but first- 
class express ; and I warrant you, my dear young friend, 
the guards never tried to put our cigars out ! We 
found all the aristocracy of the county assembled to 
receive us ; and it was at once arranged that there should 



Nicholas's notes, 69 

be a cricket-match between twelve of I Zingari and 
twelve of Norfolkshire. Mr. H. A. Fitzgerald, than 
whom a more amusing Irishman nor yet a fiercer slogger 
when the bowling gets a little loose, having incidentally 
mentioned that Nicholas was the real author of " Jerks 
in from Short Leg," the Prophet was immediately in- 
vited to occupy that honourable position in the cricket- 
field. 

Nicholas, Sir, protested that at his period he could 
no longer dream of doing such ; but was this his real 
motive ? 

No, my dear young friend, and ye, my subscribers, 
the athletic men of merry, merry England, it was 
not ! 

The Prophet, Sir and Gentlemen, knew that Another 
wanted to occupy that post, and although Another's 
modesty may have hindered him from saying so, yet it 
was not for Nicholas, especially after the accident, to 
cause any farther ill-convenience to My Country's 
Hope. 

Having arranged this delicate little affair quite 
amicable, Nicholas contented himself with scoring. 

Our side, Sir, was extremely strong. Only one cir- 
cumstance occurred to spoil the Old Man's thorough 
enjoyment of the day's play, and this was the fact that 
His Royal Highness was bowled out without making a 
single run. He is, however, far too good a sportive 
gentleman to be long clown upon his luck, and added to 
which the ball was a really good one, and might not 
have been played successful by Nicholas himself. 

To-morrow, Sir, let us hope as he will have better 
luck; and as for his hospitality can only say, without 
violating of the sanctity of private life, as it was sump- 



70 Nicholas's notes, 

tuous, nor have I ever put my prophetic legs under 
mahogany more thoroughly congenial. 

This mark of consideration, Sir, will show you what 
is really thought of Nicholas by the highest in the 
land (ah/tost), and will, I suppose, induce you to think 
no more of the anonymous slanders of the indiyiduous 
and the mean. 

The Old Man's Eelative, I regret to say, came upon 
the ground in a state of the most low-lived intoxication, 
and laughed offensively when the wickets of Britannia's 
Hope was bowled ; but, my dear young friend, forbear- 
ance has its limits, and the old worthless Tradesman 
had reached them at last. Sir, I sprung upon him like, 
though elderly, a tiger, and he is now out of harm's 
way in the custody of the Xorfolkshire police, which I 
hope it may do him good. 

Immersed in the whirlpool vortexes of aristocratical 
conviviality, and far more than Asiatical luxury, I have 
still a eye to my position as your trusted Sportive 
Editor, so will only repeat 

Glad tate ur for the Cup. 

ISTicholas. 



Nicholas in the Highlands. 

Glenkoolachanachan. 
My dear young Friend, — In the Prophet's last 
communication, than which I am sure a more humorous 
production, it told you not to mind where he was, nor 
to trouble yourself about his address ; but he do not 
now seek to mislead you, Sir, nor yet to keep you in the 
dark. He tells you frankly where he is, namely, in the 
land of brown Heath and shaggy Woods, who I sup- 



Nicholas's notes. 71 

pose were both eminent natives of Caledonia, or else a 
baronet such as Sir Walter Scott was would not have 
so prominently alluded to tiiem in his " Lay of the Last 
Marmion." 

One of the reasons, my friend, why the old man do 
not mind giving yon his address is that there is no 
regular post-office near the Glen, nor for miles and 
miles ; and as he took the precantion before leaving 
London to draw his salary for three weeks in advance, 
I do not so much mind your not writing to me until 
that period have expired. Donald will take this, on a 
pony, to the nearest village, the name of which, Sir, I 
have unfortunately forgotten of it, but it ends with a 
" h." Hoping you will not think the information 
vague, than whom perhaps. 

What I like about Highland sceneries is that after 
climbing about them, it is very nice io lie down on the 
flat of your Prophet's back, and have a weed and a nip, 
not meaning a tuft of heather and a near- wig, but a 
Havannah cigar and some whisky, the best of it being 
that in this climate you can take any quantity of it, Sir, 
with impunity — perfect impunity, which I have now 
been doing so ! It sets one a-thinking, Sir, of a nobler 
age, when the old gentry of Caledonia (as it might be 
Nicholas) rose in arms at the head of their kilted clans- 
men for the young Chivy-Leah. The best of it being 
that in this quantity, Sir, you can take any climate with 

impunity. 

* # £ * # 

What you say, Evan, about my wearing of a kilt is 
ridicolas — perfectly ridicolas. There was a time : — 
well it have gone by, it have long gone by, Evan, and 



72 Nicholas's notes, 

at his present period, Sir, would be positively indecent, 
by Jove ! not to mention corpulence nor rheumatism. 
Picturesque it may be, nor will Nicholas deny so ; but 
a proper dress for a man who is getting on in the whale 
it is not, nor could ever have been so, and as for what 
you say about George the Fourth, I despise such a 
Hanoverian upstart, and would have fought you, or a 
better man than you, Evan, a few years earlier, but I 
am now too elderly. Though in perfect health, thanks 
be, which I attribute to early hours, regular habits, 
abundant exercise, and the quantity of impunity in this 
climate — perfect impunity. 

* # # # * 

I am glad he have gone away. These Highland 
Keepers, somehow, look down upon every one who is 
not connected with the territorial aristocracy; and 
although Nicholas have met the Duke of Sutherland 
on a fire-engine, and the Duke of Hamilton on the 
turf, yet the man evidently did not believe me w T hen I 
said so, and if you miss a solitary grouse, the old man's 
shooting not being equal to what it was, he goes away 
and laughs, and pretends it's one of the younger gillies, 
he being enabled to do so — that's the best of it ! — with 
perfect impunity by the nature of the climate. Nor is 
Nicholas at all sure, but what he will have another — 
thank you, Evan, I am glad you have come back. 

# * # # # 

Nicholas. 

P.S. 2. — How about a noble game? Have you re- 
ceived, Sir, the manuscript he sent you some time ago 
containing his History of Knurr and Spell ? If so, it 
would have been only civil to say so e 



NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 73 

GrLENHOOLACHANACHAK. 

Mt dear young Friend, — Your letter have at length, 
been forwarded to Nicholas by a special messenger, 
wherein yon say as I have left yon in the lnrch, and call 
me an unprincipled old duffer, which is a form of speech 
that have been applied to me before, and I am sure you 
would not speak with such colloquial frankness not 
unless you meant it. Candour is one of your virtues, 
and so it is of mine, so the old man will not attempt to 
mislead you by any cock-and-bull story, as I do not 
think I could get you to believe, but tell you the honest 
truth, because it is tolerably sure to come out one way 
or another. 

The fact is, then, my dear young Friend, that 
Nicholas have been again rioting in the lapse of luxury, 
and the Duke was so pleased with me that I found it 
quite impossible to get away from the Castle to my own 
shooting-box in this here Glen for the purpose of writing 
my copy. In fact, I have got rather into disgrace with 
one of my admirers, who shall be nameless beyond say- 
ing as he is Britannia's Hope and Cambria's Pride, by 
staying so long in the Highlands that I was unable to 
join him on the First of September in shooting of par- 
tridge birds ; but H. R. H. have looked it over, Sir, he 
have looked it over, and is so good enough to say as 
the pleasure is merely postponed. 

Everybody have been most kind, and even the keeper 
treats me less supercilious than what he used to do so. 
He w 7 as afraid as I should tell the Duke he had been 
impertinent, vrhich I believe His Grace still retains the 
right of life and death over what are called his Downy- 
vassals, and could have hanged Evan up to a tree if 
there had been any in this part of Scotland, but, bless 



74 NICHOLAS S NOTES. 

you, my dear fellow, there ain't so much as a gooseberry- 
bush. 

The old man will now proceed to exercise his vatici- 
natory powers, and being now in the exact district where 
the famous " Second-Sight" is cultivated, will do so in 
the orthodox manner, he having been reading of Ossian 
and Sir Walter Scott. 

The St. Legek : a Gaelic Fragment. 

Dark are the torrents of Selma. The waters of Loch 
Awe are very deep. Misty, oh Morven, are thy moun- 
tains ; and the foam-wreath of Corrievrechan is white 
as the sea-bird's wing. 

Darker than the torrents of Selma is the winner of 
the Leger. The waters of Lock Awe are very deep ; 
but Nicholas is deeper still. Mistier than the hills of 
Morven are the enigmatical prophecies of your iudivi- 
duous contemporaries ; and whiter than the sea-bird's 
wing, whiter than the foam-wreaths of Corrievrechan 
are the hairs upon the head of the old man, than whom 
perhaps. 

Behold him on the mountain-top, or thereabouts. 
On his prophetic countenance Genius and Benevolence 
are struggling for pre-eminence. The fight is a draw. 

He reverses his plaid, and draws it round him, 
shrouding his noble head (though he have been called 
" an unprincipled old duffer " where least expected) in 
its mystical folds. His form goes into epileptical convul- 
sions, and he reels to and fro as if he had had too much 
to drink. Perhaps he have. 

[Never you believe it, my dear young Friend ! Not 
you /] 

Howls the wind. Scream the tall pines in horrible 



Nicholas's notes. 75 

unison. Shout ye remarkable old cataracts ! Hark, 
ray subscribers, to the wild words of the Second- 
Sighter : — 

" The Absolute Winner of the St. Leger it will be Lord Lyon, and 

no flies ! 
On Knight of the Crescent and on Savernake you may equally keep 

your eyes ! 
For the Prophet have never deceived a man, and he never was 

known to trick a lass. 
So gents, put your money, arid ladies, your gloves on the final 

selection of ITicholas." 

P.S. 2. — Instead of calling me u an unprincipled old 
duffer," it would be more courteous to tell me what you 
have done with the MS. of my " Knurr and Spell." 



unparalleled triumph of the prophbt ! slcholas 
Entirely Right Again ! ! What a man he is, to be 

sure!!! Belgeavia. 

My dear young Friend, — Nicholas have now returned 
from his long vocation among the Highland hills in 
Scotlandshire, where his heart still is, a-chasing the 
wild deer and hunting the roe, so to speak, not as I ever 
did so, it being far too violent for my period, and pre- 
ferred having a crack at a grouse bird from the top of a 
pony or else lying down on your back and admiring of 
the sceneries. 

All as it is now necessary for the Prophet to say 
about Caledonia is as no better whisky can be found 
throughout the United Kingdom of Great Britain, than 
whom perhaps on which the sun himself never sets 5 but 



76 Nicholas's notes. 

the longest holiday it must come to a end, my dear 
young feller, and I travelled right through to London. 

On arriving in a city which it have been wittily 
described as the modern Babylon, Nicholas found as 
the whole town was ringing with his name. The pro- 
phecy which he vaticinated of in your last impression 
was the theme of universal everybody's talking of it. 

You are so extremely fond, young man, of calling 
the grey-headed and the good a " unprincipled old 
duffer," that it may well be asked you whether, even 
supposing me to be " old " and " unprincipled," Nicholas 
is so much of a " duffer" after all ? 

"What were the three horses given by him for the 
St. Leger in your last impression ? 

Messrs. Printers & Co., pleese put it tabular. 



SELECTIONS OE NICHOLAS. ! ACTUAL RESULTS. 



Lord Lyon. Lord Lyon. 

Savernake. Savernake. 

Knight of the Crescent. Knight of the Crescent. 



This fact, sir, speaks for itself. 

I do not think as I shall ever write for you again. 
The emolument ain't much to speak of, not to a man as 
has made pots of money by own unaided genius, and I 
do not like being called " an unprincipled old duffer " 
every week. "Who would ? 

At any rate, perhaps you may think it worth your 
while to comply with the terms of the Prophet's Ultima- 
torium ; which I annex, and hope as all may yet be well, 
for I hate quarrelling with a friend when there is 
scarcely anything to be got by it. 



Nicholas's notes. 77 

My Ultimatoeium. 

1. You must rise my salary. 

2. You must withdraw the expression " unprincipled 
old duffer." 

3. You must print my copy exact as I send it, and 
no humbugging about authography or pointuation. 

4. You must always speak of me more respectful, 
both in public and private. 

5. We will have a little dinner at a place I know. 

6. Sherry wine. 

7. No more gammon about Knurr and Spell. Fork 
out the Manuscript, my boy ! 

Nicholas. 

Editorial Note. — We accept this Ultimatoriirm, so 
far as we are able. The St. Leger Prophecy was cer- 
tainly admirable, but we have not received the Manu- 
script of Knurr and Spell. 



My deae young Feiend, — Nicholas have his faults, 
but rancorous maliciousness and bearing a grudge is 
not one of them. You have done the handsome 
thing by your Prophet ; you have retracted expressions 
which had a tendency to vex him, such as " unprin- 
cipled old duffer;" and I must say as you show every 
desire to be again on friendly terms with one whose 
genius has helped to make the paper what it is, ergo, 
second to none, bar none, as A Sportive Organ and A 
Racing Guide. 

In accordance, the clouds of animosity and my feel- 
ing really annoyed by such low language have rolled 
away like the mists of the mountain from the crags of 



78 Nicholas's notes. 

Gienhoolachanaehan, Scotland shire, where I was, you 
know. I accept your retractation and my own rise of 
salary ; and I will prophesy for you honest and true 
whenever I see rny way to a real good thing. 

The future Historian, Sir, when speaking of my St, 
Leger's Prophecy of 18G6 shall never have it in his 
power to say as Nicholas was a corruptor of youth, 
nor yet as I wilfully led them into Sweeps. I may, or 
I may not, be what some of my friends are good enough 
to call me so, 

Nicholas, the Peixce of Prophets. 

I may 5 or I may not, have given you first, second, 
and third in that noble race which is named above ; I 
may, or I may not, be rather more up to a thing or 
two than absolutely a " doddering old fool," as one of 
your anonymous correspondents calls me, or an " un- 
principled old duffer," as you used to call me so your- 
self, deny it if you can, or " a pampered and purse- 
proud Ingrate," as I am often termed by a Relative to 
whom I am sure no one was ever more kind to him ; 
at any rate, the character and career of Nicholas can 
safely be allowed to speak for themselves. And, my 
dear young Friend, if by any chance, you know — it 
might happen; we can never tell! — if it sliould occur 
that any of your correspondents should think it only 
the right sort of thing to offer him a Public Testimonial, 
for I know as it have been mooted in certain influential 
circles, all I have to say is that though I may not posi- 
tively want it, nor do I, and would scorn to cadge for 
it, yet if your subscribers should come forward with 
their fivers or even their humble quids, it would be 
false pride in me to decline such a Memorial. But, of 



kicholas'8 notes. 79 

course, I do not care about a Statute, nor have I ever 
done sd. 

What you say. Sir, about not having received the 
MS. of my u Knurr and Spell,' 3 it is indeed a heavy 
blow to lose the literary labour of years. Do you not 
think as I might bring an action against the Post- 
office ? It was a noble work, though I say it ; but, per- 
haps. Sir. it have since turned no ? 



Peoposed Testimonial. 

TTe have received the following communication : — 

To the ^Editor of Mm. 

Losmoir. 

Mr. Editor. — Do you not think, Sir, that the time 
have now arrived when some public recognition ouffht 
to be made of the genius, perseverance, and integrity 
displayed by your Sportive Prophet : Sir. Mr. 
Nicholas is not personally known to me, though I have 
often wished as I had the honour of his aeopnaintance, 
in consequence of which this proposal is made entirely 
upon public grounds, nor do I wish to obtrude myself. 

Week after week, Sir, your organ, than whom I am 
sure a more amusing periodical, though I wonder how 
you do it for the money — week after week, Sir, your 
organ have been enriched, not to say immortalised, by 
the countrybutions of that illustrious man, and seldom, 
indeed, is it but what his tins have proved that right 
you are. I have myself, Sir, long been in the habit of 
backing the selections of Mb. Nicholas, whereby I have 
realized a handsome sum of money, and so may any 
one who will follow him faithful, and if is therefore 



80 Nicholas's notes. 

from feelings of pecuniary gratitude united to those of 
epistolary admiration that I suggest the least thing as 
can fairly be done for him is a Testimonial. 

Sir, if you will survey the historic scroll of your 
New Serious, you -will find that the Prophet have almost 
invariably been all there, or thereabouts ; selecting with 
a unerring eye the future winner of the hippie and 
equestrian jousts, and often sending of him when he is 
at outside prices, thereby enabling you to put the pot on 
heavy. It might be tedious, Mr. Editor, to recapitulate 
all the achievements of your good and gifted " old man," 
as he playfully calls himself in your organ, though I 
daresay not a bit older after all than many as pretends 
to look down on him. What have he not foretold, sir ? 
His accuracy it have become poorverbial, and I am quite 
sure that every right-minded betting-man in Great 
Britian's glowing Hemisphere must look upon him as 
a True British Prophet, and a Benefactor to his Fellow 
Man! 

As such, Sir, Me. Nicholas deserves a public Recog- 
nition and Memorial ; and it only needs a few well- 
known names for to set it agoing, and no flies. Admiral 
Rous would perhaps not object to be one of the com- 
mittee, and I believe that though he once ordered 
Nicholas off Newmarket Heath, such was done before 
the Prophet had attained celebrity. Many of Britannia's 
Aristocracy, to whom the old man is well beknown, 
would of course join in, and I do not think it altogether 
impossible but what H. R. H. might be induced to come 
forward and rally round a brother sportsman, than 
whom he well know Nicholas to be so. 

Sir, the time have gone by when Statutes were all 
the go ; nor from what I have heard tell of the Prophet's 



Nicholas's notes. -81 

physical appearance, though, pleasing and genial, do I 
think as he would look well in a Statute, either eques- 
trian or not so, but otherwise. Besides, statutes after 
all, are incentuals to vanity and graven images. ISTo, 
Mr. Editor ! Let us give practical proof of our regard 
for Nicholas. Do not let us waste the money in brass 
or marble : — let us give it to Mm in hard cash ; and no 
one will be more happy to contribute his mite than 
An Old and Respectable Subscribes. 

P.S.— T^e might also give him a few dozen of Sherry 
wine. 

[Editorial Note.— "Nicholas, this trick is unworthy 
of you! The handwriting is disguised, but we know 
your style of composition, you artful old man !] 



Beige avi a. 
My dear toung Friend, — I don't think I have ever 
enjoyed a heartier laugh than what it gave me in the 
last number of your New Serious, under the head of 
" Proposed Testimonial,*' where you have a kind of a 
lark with the old man, such as saying in an Editorial 
footnote, "Nicholas, this trick is unworthy of you." 
Capital, my dear young Friend, capital ! It is just those 
kind of light, sparkling, genialistic remarks which en- 
dear you not alone to the old man, though I was always 
very fond of you from the time you asked me to con- 
tribute, nor have it diminished since you rose my salary, 
but also to the athletic men of meny, merry England. 
Why, of course, my dear young Friend, it was all a 
joke ! I never thought as I could take you in, nor am I 
quite sure as I would do so if I could ; but 1 thought 



82 Nicholas's notes. 

the notion might amuse you, and I felt sure your per- 
spicacity would put the general reader on his guard, 
than whom I don't think much of him as a rule, he 
being easily gammoned by literary men. I am ac- 
cordingly delighted to observe as you have taken it 
in the proper spirit, such as it was meant to be ; and 
this friendly little interchange of good-natured banter 
will, I am sure, only increase our feelings of mutual 
endearingment and reciprocation. 

At the same time, the Prophet owes it to himself — 
and debts of that particular description are exactly the 
last as he would ever forget to pay ! — to declare that he 
really sees nothing at all ridiculous in the proposal of a 
Testimonial standing on its own merits. 

Under these circumstances, please be good enough 
to acknowledge 

Subscriptions for the Nicholas Testimonial. 

Votary of the Chase £10 

A Sportive Bung ... ... 10 



2 



Every little helps ; and Eome, as your classical 
scholarship and knowledge of architecture will remind 
you, was not built in a day. 

Nicholas. 

P.S. 2. — We had better offer a reward — at least, you 
had — for the recovery of my History of Knurr and 
Spell. It is the only work on the subject ever written 
in the English language ; nor do I think the game was 
even known to the ancients. 



NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 8u 

A MaNOBIAL HaXL. ZnORFOLESHIEZ. 

My deae young Ffjexd, — The weather having at 
length taken a change, and high time it did so, during 
the present autumnal equinox, Nicholas determined to 
have another spell of what his friends the barristers call 
the Long Vocation, The vocation of the Prophet is 
always as long as ever he can make it ; for although I 
am fond of London, and of those gilded salons where the 
elite of the beau monde display their eclat in the most 
researcliey manner, yet the old man is likewise partial to 
what Milton, than whom I am sure a more lofty-minded 
bard, though, as to reading Paradise Lost right through, 
it's all nonsense, and it can't he done, was accustomed 
to describe as " fresh fields and pastors new." Ac- 
cordingly, when a young Friend of mine — and mind you 
put "Friend" with a big F, or he mightn't like it — 
asked me to come down and have a crack at the phea- 
sant birds, the old man instantaneously replied " Done 
with you, Sir!" and is again rioting in those lapse of 
luxury so frequently mentioned in your columns. 

The offer of my Relative to be your Sportive Editor 
for half the salary at present paid to Nicholas is exactly 
what I should have expected from his low-minded dis- 
position, he having been always notorious in our family 
as a mean old hunks, and I told him so myself the 
moment I was fortunate enough to escape from his 
filthy clutches (metaphorical), but where it says, "I 
taught him everything he knows, and have often fed 
him on the fat of the land at a time when he hadn't a 
decent coat to his back," why, Sir, it is all mendacity; 
for if lie calls boiled beef and carrots "the fat of the 
land," I don't ; and as to not having a decent coat, 
why, I never pretend to be a dressy man, nor rigged 



84 



Nicholas's notes. 



myself out with, mother-of-pearl buttons, like a conceited 
old publican ; and as to his teaching me all I know, 
why all the more credit to me for picking of it up so 
quick, and bringing my pigs to a better market than 
what lie could, the vanity- glorious old duffer ! I am 
glad to hear as you declined his offer ; but I hope he 
will not insist upon a personal interview and explaining 
all the circumstances, as you would find him a most 
disagreeable companion, he always smelling badly of 
rum and water whenever able to afford such. 

The other letters, or most of them, are much more 
satisfactory ; and I am sure you will be glad to hear 
that the movement for a testimonial, which you so 
kindly set en foot, is rapidly advancing with gigantic 
strides towards a pinnacle of success, than which I am 
sure none more deserving of a complete ovation. Some 
of the foremost men in the land, though I have not the 
honour to be personally known to all of them, have 
rallied round the old Prophet, as you will perceive, Sir, 
from the following list of contributions to 



The Nicholas Testimonial. 

Amount already acknowledged 

Dean Close (so it says) 

The Earl of Shaftesbury (I think) 

A Student of the Prophecies 

A Millionaire's Mite 

A Working Man 

One who hates oppression ... 

Collected by the Scottish National 
Nicholas Committee (2,137 sub- 
scribers) ... 

" Sportmans " (Paris) 



£2 








1 


1 











3 





5 


4 








2 


5 











1 








10 


4.1 








9 



Nicholas's notes. 85 

An Admirer of Talent ... ... 2 6 

Gentlemen employed at Mr. Miff's 

the eminent butcher's ... ... 1 2 6 

A Poor Curate ... 5 

Liberality (a penny short — stamps) 11 



£15 4 9| 

NlCHOLAS. 



P.S. 2. — Why do you not answer my repeated in- 
quiries with regard to my Knurr and Spell ? What have 
you done with it ? 



Nicholas on the Cambridgeshire. 

Belgeavia, 18th October, 1866. 

My dear young Friend, — You will perceive from my 
superscription as I have at length returned to town, 
than which I am sure a chillier, nor yet a muggier 
metropolis, though a little gay. The Prophet is as fond 
of London as any man, bar none ; but when you have 
rheumatism in your left shoulder, not to speak of a 
racking cough which keeps him awake half the night, it 
is only natural for to grumble at the climate, and wish 
as I was in the sunny south, where the warmth is. 

However, the voice of Duty is one to which the 
Prophet is never indifferent, and accordingly tore myself 
from the dear fellows down in ISTorfolkshire, who wept 
bitterly when Nicholas drove away, and hurried back 
to my town residence — in itself a monument to the 
genius of one who raised himself from a comparative 
lowly position, though always respectable, to my present 
pinnacle. But, as to the pleasure of coming back, my 



86 KICHOLAS'S NOTES. 

dear young Friend, don't you believe in such ! Why, the 
bills as have been accumulating — but suppose we change 
the subject, with merely the remark that now or never 
is the day, and now or never is the hour, to come 
forward with the Testimonial. 

The last of the Great Turf Events of 1866 is now at 
hand, namely, to wit, the Cambridgeshire at the New- 
market Houghton Meeting, and so here, my friends and 
patrons, the Athletic Men of merry, merry England, is 
my 

Peophecy for the Cambridgeshire. 

Look out eor Proserpine, Act2ea, and Scarborough. 

And now, Sir, with regard to another subject of (I 
may say) even more world-wide importance, please be 
good enough to acknowledge the following 

Subscriptions to the Nicholas Testimonial. 

Amount already acknowledged . . . £15 4 9£ 
One who has won thousands through 

following Mr. Nicholas 10 



£15 5 9J 



This can hardly be considered a good week for the 
Movement, Sir ; but I daresay as we shall soon have a 
rally round. Do you not think another of your nice 
little Editorial Paragraphs might help to make the public 
a little less backward in coming forward ? 

Nicholas. 

P.S. — If you don't give me some explanation about 
my Knurr and Spell, I shall be reluctantly obliged to 
take legal proceedings against your publisher. 



NICHOLAS S NOTES. b'/ 

BeLGBAYIA. 

My beak young Feiixd, — The racing season is over ! 
At a former period of ray career such intelligence would 
have blighted my young hopes, and plunged me into an 
impecunious ocean of casual postage-stamps, picked up 
from the innocent, the childish, the linendrapery, and 
the good. Formerly the end of festivity upon the British 
Turf was likewise, with Nicholas, the end of having 
anything to eat, excepting what might he attained pro- 
miscuously from private charity, such as a bullock's 
heart or tripe, than which I am sure anything more 
nourishing, though a little low. 

Thanks to my own industry and aeuteness, Nicholas 
have now attained a pinnacle from which he is not 
merely sure of his daily bread, but, if I liked to do so, 
might cover it with treacle as thick as a paving-stone. 
The worst of it is, my dear young Friend, that indiges- 
tion ha\e marked me for her own. In the hours of 
penury my appetite was excellent ; whilst now the 
Prophet feels quite squeamish after breakfast, though he 
may only have had a few eggs, some ham, rolls, a chop 
or two, kidneys and a little marmalade spread out upon 
toast, and etcetera. 

Before. Mr. Editor, we treat the racing season of 
1866 as entirely a thing of the past, you will perchance 
allow me the privilege of a brief interrogatory explana- 
tion. 

Subscribers all, during the mad and confused inter- 
mingling of prophetical opinions naming of at least a 
dozen horses, was there any one who restricted his selec- 
tion for the Cambridgeshire to Three ? 

Sulscrilers. — Yes, there was ! One — only one ! Re- 
thinks 'twas gentle Nicholas. 



£8 Nicholas's notes. 

Gentle Nicholas. — Oh, you only think so, dost ye ? 

Subscribers. — Now, look here, old man. We are very 

well aware as it was thou, Let us unite our voices. 

"What did the Prophet prophesy ? 

Subscribers. \ , .,. _ . . v . , 

j (uniting their voices.) — Actaea. 

Posterity. — And so I found it on referring to the 
Number. 

^j? = !«? "W "JP W TP 

A truce to poesy. Let us return to the non-avoid- 
abilities of daily life. 

Sir, I am a Conservative ; I have been so ever since 
I was able to look down upon my fellow-man from a 
pinnacle of pecuniary superiority. But, my dear young 
Friend, with reference to the manuscript of my " History 
of Knurr and Spell," do you not think, Sir, as it is quite 
possible the new Postmaster- General and his staff may 
have been just a little on the loose ? that, in point of 
fact, they may have rather mislaid the manuscript in 
general than delivered it at your office in particular ? 
My position is one of no ordinary difficulty nor yet em- 
barrassment. The History involves the research and 
the miscellaneous reading of a lifetime, from penny 
papers up to getting a ticket for the British Museum ; 
there are references and quotations in that book for 
which the originals have very probably been cut up and 
destroyed ; and here am I, Sir, a sort of sportive Buckle 
or an athletic Grote, as will possibly go down to his 
grave, "unwept, unhonoured, and unstrung!" Be it 
so ; only I warn you again as I will bring an action 
against the Proprietor. 

One word, Sir, on a topic in which you have kindly 
taken the utmost interest. Bless you, my dear young 



NICHOLAS S NOTES. 



89 



Friend, and be good enough to print (the publisher said 
it ought to be put as an advertisement and paid for, but 
never you mind him !) the following list of subscribers to 

The Nicholas Testimonial. 



Amount already acknowledg 


•ed.. 


. £15 


5 n 


The O'Donoghue 




1 





Mr. Pope Hennessey 




1 





The People of Ireland . . . 




2 





The Irish People 




2 





Eara Avis (bless her !) ... 







2 




£21 


5 111 








Nicholas 



P.S. 2. —Nothing more. 



Anticipations of Compiegne. 

Beloeavia. 
Mon cher Ami, — "Whatever may be your Prophet's 
failings it can scarcely be denied as Nicholas sent you 
his copy last week regular. And, oh, my dear young 
Friend, you have no idea what a comfort it was for the 
old man to get back ! I don't say a word against the 
Navskoi Perspective ; nor yet a syllable against Alex- 
ander II., than whom I am sure I was never treated 
more hospitable, though a little pompous ; but Nicholas 
have now arrived at a period of life when it is a great 
deal more agreeable for to sit down and drink gin-and- 
water at your own fireside than what it is for to wallow 
in barbaric splendour, and then have half your toes froze 
off in a droschky. When the Prophet was young, he 
often used for to have a lark with snowballing along the 



90 KICEOLAS's NOTES, 

streets where lie "was tlien being brought up ; and many 
is the respectable elderly tradesman than whom Nicholas 
have given him one for his nob. Ha, ha, ye elderly 
tradesman ! 

It will, I think, be admitted that a Friend of mine 
behaved every inch like a Prince of Wales ; and that 
We won golden opinions, as Shakespeare says, from all 
kinds of coves. 

When I came home, Sir, I was a- thinking of just 
writing you a Eeview of the Racing Season of 1866 ; 
and no earthly power should have prevented the old 
man from doing so had he not suddenly received an 
invitation to what Nicholas will take the liberty of call- 
ing a Friendly Shore. 

There don't breathe a man, my dear young Friend, 
whom is more attached to Britannia the pride of the 
ocean, the home of the brave and the free, the shrine of 
each patriot's devotion, chorus, hurrah for the reel, white, 
and blue ! These have been my principles from early 
youth. I wonld rather have boiled beef and carrots be- 
neath the meteor-flag of England which shall yet terrific 
burn, 'til danger's troubled night be o'er and the star of 
peace return, chorus, and the Morning Star return, 
than what I would sit down to a luxurious dinner alley 
JRoose, which half the kickshaws made him ill, and was 
over-persuaded for to taste an olive, than whom any- 
thing more likely for to disagree with men previously 
unaccustomed, especially it being a fine fat Spanish one, 
and no flies. 

It is, however, pretty generally understood amongst 
what is called the elite of the leau monde that a royal — 
much more, an Imperial — invitation is equivalential to a 
command. What the old man really wanted,. Sir, wa3 



Nicholas's notes. 91 

rest — a sort of quiet vocation during which he might 
show himself about London, especially at many a Sportive 
House whose Bungs used to look down upon him contume- 
lious, and prove to such as he had not come home empty- 
handed from the City of the Czar. KB. — Some people 
call it " City of the Tsar; " but such spoils the allitera- 
tion, besides looking like a sneeze. 

Rest, however, and your old man have long been 
strangers, and it is one of the penalties of popularity 
that you are not master of your own time. Asa private 
individual, Nicholas only wants his glass of sherry wine 
and a friendly gossip along of an old acquaintance over 
BelVs Life ; but if — mind, I say if — if a l^eighbouring 
Sovereign — or, perhaps, to put it more accurate, a 
Neighbouring Napoleon — sends over a special currier 
to ask you to come and hob-nob with him at Compayne, 
why the Prophet would be downright rude if he was to 
say, "No, your Majesty: not so; I prefer my own 
fireside." 

I will endeavour to keep you posted up with regard 
to our revels, though Nicholas is not the sort of old 
man to violate the sanctitudes of private life ; and I 
daresay as I may have a look-in at a stable or two afore 
I come home. 

Meanwhile, I have only one bit of advice, which 
please tell the printers to print it like a tip — 
Keep the'Testdioxial a-going. 

Nicholas. 

P.S. 2. — If you have found the MS. of my " History 
of Knurr and Spell," please have it done into French, 
and send it over. I think a certain party might like 
to see it, 

P.S. 3. — Prepaid ! 



92 Nicholas's notes. 

M Who would have thought the Old Man had so much blood in 
him." — Shakespeare. 

A LA COMPAYNE. 

Monsieur le Redacteue, — Without violating the 
sanctitudes, I may safely tell you that we are all as 
happy as the days are long — not that the days are long 
just now, such being against the almanack, and talking 
of almanacks I have bought several French ones and 
brought them down along with me, with the view to 
picking up the colloquial tone usual in high society 
amidst our Lively Neighbour ; and so he may be, but 
the claret wine as he gives me do not agree with the 
Prophet's inside. 

I cannot say that the French Court quite comes up 
to my notions of dignity. It is not for Nicholas to shy 
a lot of mud at the other members of the Fourth Serious ; 
but you will hardly believe it, Sir, such are the influences 
of Levelism and Democracy that authors, my dear young 
Friend, authors are positively received at Court ! ! ! Oh, 
England — oh, my home ! Oh, Land of Freedom, when 
did a mere literary chap pollute Windsor Castle ? Not 
if the Genius of Britannia knows it. It may be objected 
that Nicholas is himself a man of letters ; but remember 
as that is not his only profession. Nicholas is also a 
betting-man ; and I quite agree with the Saturday Review 
— than whom a more truly aristocratic organ, though a 
little not-quite-so-good-as-it-used-to-be — that Literature 
is only respectable when combined with other avocations, 
such as not being employed at the bar. 

However, the Prophet fell in with the prevalent tone 
of the place. I visited his Majesty simply on my footing 
as a English gentleman well known at Newmarket ; but 
I am not ashamed of my contributions to your periodical 



Nicholas's notes. 93 

press ; and, accordingly, when I saw that Lewis Napoleon 
was fond of literature, I did what I could to amuse him. 
We held a little council, some of us literary men. There 
was me and Edmond About — pronounce it like Abboo, 
as though an African Chief— and we thought we would 
draw up just a little kind of seasonable trifle for him. 
It have not yet come out ; but I send you the rough 
draft of your Prophet's contribution. I have tried to 
make it instructive as well as amusing — 

ODE. 

TO THE IMPERIAL PEIXCE's Hl&HKESS, Etc., ETC., ETC. 

All hail, ye young, but yet imperial cove ! 

Tour father is a celebrated man ; 
He may be led, perhaps, but won't be drove, 

And such was Nicholas when life began ! 

Like Nicholas, lie had his ups and downs ; 

But now they both are taking of their ease : 
Me in Belgravia, fingering the browns ! 

Sim ruling Europe, from the Toolevees ! 

We both of us despise the vulgar crowd ; 

We both of us respect the Prince of Wales ; 
One of his palaces is called Saint Cloud, 

Another s appellation is Versailles. 

Hail, then, ye child of empire adolescent ! 

Hail, then, ye beaming, bright, and beauteous Scion! 
And may your father always keep things pleasant 

With Nicholas's Home, the British Lion ! ! 

Nicholas. 

P.S. — I am teaching the Imperial Prince how to 
lay at Knurr and Spell. I think he will be very fond 
f it, bless his little heart, by and by, but at present 
is a link too many for him. 

7 



94 Nicholas's notes. 

Nicholas on Cheistmas. 

"That old man eloquent."— John Milton. Sonnet to the 
Lady Margaret Ley. 

BeLGKAYIA. 

Mon cher jeune Ami, — It is all very well to be a 
man of fashion, but every true-born Briton ought to 
remember as it is his first duty to be patriotic. While 
at Compayne the most flattering offers were made to 
the Prophet ; and I have heard that it was in contem- 
plation in certain quarters to give him a place tempo- 
rarily vacated by Colonel Fleury, only at a higher salary , 
my tastes being, perhaps, more lavish. 

I am back in London ; I trust it may not appear 
bumptious if I say I am back in Belgravia. I am back, 
after a serious of foreign travel, which expands the 
mind • and you may actually expect to behold some of 
the results in your pages. My mind, however, has its 
peculiarities ; and one of such is that it will not be able 
to expand unless you raise my wages. I put it to you, 
mon cJier jeune ami, or — as we say in St. Petersburg — 
clirescovitch txejeff wrakoslci — as I am well worth my 
salt; and really, at this sweet, and holly, and festive 
time of year, the bills are coming in after a fashion — 
especially my tailor's bill, which his clothes were long 
after any fashion ! — truly dreadful to behold : but even 
worse for to pay them. 

Besides, I have now a position to maintain ; whilst 
at one time I had nothing to maintain , but myself, and 
could do so on the cheap ! Tou may remember, sir, that 
last Christmas I was the Pio Nino of my period. I was 
abandoned to the mercy of the world ; and I am bound 
to say as such never came near me. I was thrown 
(putting it metaphorical) into the lap of Mrs. Cripps's 



NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 95 

lodgings at Berinondsey, than whom though a more 
respectable person, yet if yon happened to be a day be- 
hind with your rent, her language, Sir, was equal to 
Allocutions ! Even then, sir, what Nicholas will call 
the instinct of hospitality survived the possession of 
capital ; and I asked all your staff to come and dine 
with me. How many came ? One came. It was Moosoo 
Jean Groodin, which always told me he was banished 
from France because a Republican, though I have heard 
at Compayne, that it was more in the nature of em- 
bezzling funds. The rest of your contributors held 
aloof — they knew I had only a bit of beef to offer, and 
they turned up their noses at it, not as it was at all 
necessary for them to do so, Nature in many cases, 
though I name no names, having done so already ; and 
I was left alone until protected by a Relative whose 
kindness to me at that period has long been cancelled 
by the most low-lived serious of persecutions. 

I have no doubt as you will rise my wages ; but I 
cannot expect you to do so until the beginning of the 
new year, and as my travelling expenses have been 
heavy, I shall not repeat the blunder of Christmas I860. 
I am in a position to enjoy a luxurious meal ; I hope 
your other contributors are the same ; but 

Nicholas will Dine alone ob Christmas Day ! 

Nicholas. 

P.S. Ah ! what a festive season it is ! and don't 
it seem to open the heart, like ? 

P.S. (2). Now is the very time, my dear young 
Friend, for you to bring out my " History of Knurr and 
Spell." The public interest in the subject will pass 
away, if you don't look precious sharp. 



96 nicholas's notes. 

Nicholas on the Tender Passion and the Chester 

Cup. 

u An Old Man, my lord, an Old, Old Man ! " 

Dickens. Oliver Twist. Fagin. 

BEL&RAVIA. 

My dear young Friend, — I need scarcely remind 
you, at your period in Life's morning march when the 
spirits are young, that we are now close upon St. 
Valentine's Day, than which a more affectionate annual- 
versary though a little gay. My time for sending of 
poetical compositions through the medium of the penny 
post, addressed to my Heart's Delight, have long, long 
since departed ; and, in point of fact, Nicholas never 
took very kindly to such a practice, which it involves a 
preliminary expenditure to which his resources were 
not invariably adequate. And where is the use of such 
after all, my dear young Friend, they being anonymous 
and not signed with your name ? 

If the Object of your Affections is pretty, she is sure 
to get plenty of valentines let alone yours, for there's 
more fools in the world than one ; and you may after- 
wards find an opportunity of hinting as you sent the 
most expensive. If she is not pretty, she will be glad 
enough to get courted at all, Sir, without looking out 
for extravagant missives. This may appear a little 
mean, my dear young Friend, but you may be quite 
sure as it is true philosophy and human nature. 

I Jiave loved, no doubt ; and in early youth there 
was a Being which had been left a ham and beef shop 
by her First, in Lambeth, behind the counter of which 
I might have made a pretty penny, and she had, also, 
something put by; but she could never abide the 
Prophet after he had got her to put a half-sovereign into 



Nicholas's notes. 97 

a Derby sweep which she did not happen to draw the 
winner ; or, rather, Nicholas did not happen to draw it 
for her, and she could never be got to believe but what 
he had embezzled the money and spent it in liquor, as 
perhaps he had. 

My young Friend may also remember that in the 
latter part of 1865, when Nicholas was temporally under 
a cloud, and residing in lodgings down at Bermondsey, 
there were certain little love-passages, so to speak, along 
of me and Mrs. — there, I almost forget the good woman's 
name — Mrs. — Mrs. — yes, Cripps ! and a very well- 
meaning person she was for her station in life and 
previous bringing-up. The Prophet will hardly deny 
but what he may have given her occasionally a friendly 
squeeze, nor yet that she may have exclaimed, " For 
shame, Mr. Nicholas ; go away, do, you naughty 
aggerawaiting old wagabone ! " — (for, Sir, she was both 
illiterative and plain-spoken) — but these facts only 
prove my happy disposition and knack of accommodating 
myself to circumstances. As for anything like a formal 
promise of marriage, the idea is ridicolas ; and if ever I 
entertained such, it was at once dismissed when I was 
kindly took up by a relative, whose subsequent dis- 
graceful conduct to me would draw tears from a Board 
of Guardians. 

I do not say that I shall never marry ; but, if I do, it 
will not be from any foolish and romantic notions, but 
with a view to increasing the stability of my finances, 
and to improving of my social position, which, after all, 
is unpleasantly precarious when so much depends upon 
your judgment of a horse, and the Turf getting wickeder 
every day of its existence. 

Nevertheless, here is a bumper-toast, gentlemen, to 



98 Nicholas's notes. 

all true lovers ; and may they meet with a great deal 
more happiness in matrimonial life than it is the 
Old Man's candid opinion they are at all likely to 
enjoy ! 

Now then for the Chester Cup, though, of course, 
this must be looked upon as a very long shot consider- 
ing the period. You may do as you like, gentlemen ; 
but if you do as the Prophet does, you will make haste 
to put some money on the game little Lecturer, whilst 
keeping safe with Rama. There, gents : other tipsters 
are giving you hcenty horses against the field ! Stick to 
Nicholas ! ! Vivat Mcholas ! ! ! 

Nicholas ! ! ! ! 

P.S. (2.) — If you do not precious soon find my MS. 
about " Knurr and Spell " you and me may have 
words. 

P,S. (3.) — You may have observed that my recent 
countrybutions have been preceded by a quotation as a 
motto. I have engaged a gentleman connected with 
the press to look them out for me at a shilling per motto 
and his wine. J think this ought to be paid by the 
Proprietor of Fun. What do you think ? 



Personal Explanations. — Interesting Correspondence. 

"And thus I prophesy that many a Thousand .... 
And many an Old Man's sigh !" 

Shakespeare. Henry YL, Third Part, Fifth Act, Sixth Scene. 

" Lord, Lord, how subject we Old Men are to this vice of lying ! " 
Shakespeare. Henry IY., Second Part, Third Act, Second Scene. 

BeLGEAYIA. 

My dear young Friend, — I do not think it would 
do you a bit of harm if you were a little more civil to 



Nicholas's notes. 99 

some of your contributors, than whom, perhaps I am 
myself one of the oldest and certainly one of the most 
respectable. I have just received a note from you 
which, if it is intended by way of a joke, why, where no 
offence is meant, none such is taken, and can stand a 
laugh at my own expense — which I also hawe to stand 
a good many other things at my own expense ! — as well 
as any Prophet within Britannia's isle, bar none ; but if 
it is meant serious, you should have thought twice 
before addressing Nicholas in a manner calculated to 
bring his grey hairs to the bottle, and drive me to 
despair. The time may come, Sir, when you will not 
be able to read the following lines (coarse and offensive 
I call 'em !) without a pang, nor yet without a pair of 
spectacles, for you yourself may yet become an Old 
Man, and be chaffed by the young and gay. 

"Frx OrriCE. 
" Dear Nicholas, 

CJ 1. For the last two weeks you have omitted to 
send in your copy. 

" 2. For the last two weeks you have not omitted to 
send for your salary. 

" 3. Did you ever hear of a sporting character called 
Swindells ? 

" 4. Does it ever occur to you that you deserve to 
be locked up ? 

" 5. I have just received a proposal from an intelli- 
gent young man. 

" 6. He offers to do the Sporting Article for half price. 

" 7. He also offers to find his own punctuation. 

" 8. He candidly admits that he does not know 
much about horses ; but he says that, at any rate, he 
knows more than you ! 



100 Nicholas's kotes. 

" 9. Shall I close with this young person, Nicholas ? 
" 10. Or, will you send me your copy ?" 

As for the signature, Sir, where it says " yours 
affectionately," I look upon such, under the circum- 
stances, as being little better than a delusive mockery. 

There have been several reasons why Nicholas did 
not send you his copy. In the first place I have been 
sitting up with a sick friend, but I have been also con- 
fined to my home by acute rheumatism, and have like- 
wise had for to go out a good deal into society. As to 
sending for the salary, why not ? I cannot conceive, 
my dear young Friend, for such I hold you still, a 
happier position than that of a man of letters who gets 
his money regular, whether he does his work or quite 
the contrary. 

Far be it from me, Sir, to disturb an arrangement 
so satisfactory. 

Perhaps you will be so good enough as to tell the 
young man he may walk. 

Congratulating us all on the termination of another 
volume of the New Serious — and I think, Sir, that on all 
such occasions the proprietors might give us a handsome 
bonus all around, I am, Sir, so no more at present 
from Nicholas. 

P.S. 2. — My literary man says the mottoes he has 
chosen are peculiarly appropriate. Personally, I think 
as they are rather vulgar and censorious, but I will not 
venture to set up my own opinion against Shakespeare, 
who was himself, I believe, a sportive writer, and there- 
fore called (by way of joke) " the Fancy's child," just 
as Nicholas might figuratively be spoken of as " a Kid 
of the Turf." 



Nicholas's notes. 101 

Nicholas Moealises with Regard to his Favourite 

Pursuit. 

u A gentle answer did the Old Man make." — Wordsworth. 
Eesolution and Independence. 

Belgbayia. 

ON THE INSTABILITY OF HU3IAN AFFAIRS. 

It is said by a writer in a daily contemporary under 
the signature of " Asmodeus " (which. I have some 
reason to believe as it is a fictitious name), u that he 
would be the last to speak ill of the dead, but there is a 
peculiar moral in the fact that last week a bookmaker 
died who was making a £5000 book on the Derby, and 
now it transpires that the deceased had not enough 
capital to defray his own funeral expenses ! " 

Now, my dear young Friend, it is exaggerative in 
"Asmodeus" to say as he would be the last man to 
speak ill of the dead, for Nicholas would be laster still ; 
but the event, my dear young Friend, is calculated to 
make us all reflect how mutable we are ! Do I blame 
the bookmaker ? No, Sir, and I will tell you why. I 
have been pretty much in the same position myself — 
not meaning that I ever died without leaving enough 
to pay my funeral expenses, for you would not believe 
me, even if I were to swear it, but I have made a book 
for never you mind how many thousands, at a time 
when a five-pound note was an article which the Prophet 
seldom saw, and never touched. Sir, I won ! Thanks 
to my ingenuity and enterprise, I potted a heap of 
money — and, as you know, have since become one of 
the Leviathans of the Turf, wallowing in riches and 
in the respectful admiration of my fellow-man. Sup- 
pose, however, I had happened to lose ? 



102 nichola-s's notes. 

Sir, in that melancholy event, the form of Nicholas 
would not for many weeks have "been distinctly visible 
to the naked eye, like the recent eclipse — at any rate, 
not on this side of the English Channel. A melancholy, 
but still handsome old Bird, so to speak, would have 
been observed to alight on a foreign shore at Bolong, 
and perhaps to wing its way to some " hay -stamina" as 
the French call a house of refreshment, just as if it was 
a feed for horses ; the old Bird in question might pro- 
bably have had a pair of blue spectacles fixed across 
my beak; but to the children of Britannia, my dear 
young Friend, and especially to all those Sportive men 
of merry, merry England with whom he had any pecu- 
niary transactions, NICHOLAS would have been " ncn est" 
— and although the Poet (than whom I do not think 
much of him, he often making the most deceptive and 
ridicolas remarks) observes that " a non-est man's the 
noblest work of God," yet Nicholas is still inclined to 
doubt whether such would have been the general 
opinion of the Prophet's conduct, whether at Tattersall's, 
Bride Lane, or the Ruins ♦ 

But, my dear young Friend, do not let us all be a 
set of canting humbugs ! If you say that a betting- 
man who incurs liabilities which he cannot meet — who 
makes bets, in fact, entirely on the basis of credit — if 
you say, Sir, that such a man is only one step from a 
Swindler, then I say you are harsh. Be honest, my 
young Friend ; speak the plain truth ; say that he is 
only one step from a Railway Financier ; and Nicholas, 
with a blush that ever he should have fell so low, will 
sorrowfully own that right you are. 

All I ask, Sir, on behalf of self and other gentlemen 
of the same profession, is this : Tar us all with the same 



Nicholas's notes. 103 

Brush ! I have done some queer things in my time, as, 
perhaps, yon will believe ; but I never created fictitious 
capital to the extent of a million, and thereby robbed 
the widow and the orphan. I never had the chance ! 

Nicholas. 

P.S. — I think it is just as well for the widow and 
orphan that I had not. 

With regard to the University Boat Race, I have 
had a vision. It mil he icon, this year, by Cambridge. I 
am sorry for ye, ye gallant young Oxtabs ; but ye 
must remember as it is long since the Cantabonians have 
bad a turn. Nicholas. 

P.S. — I have found a chapter or two of my " Knurr 
and Spell," just the rough draft, so to speak. Perhaps 
we had better print even this than seem to break faith 
with the public ? Not as the public would hesitate to 
break faith with you or me. I know the public, my 
dear young Friend ! 



Passages fbom the Diary of an Old English 

Gentleman. 

I feel "within my aged breast, 

A power that will not be repressed ; 

It prompts my voice, it swells my veins, 

It burns, it maddens, it constrains ! 

Scott.—" Lord of the Isles." 

cc Ob, my Prophetic soul, my" — Relative !-Shae:espeaee. 

Bexgbavia. 
Saturday, 30th March. Had an interview with my 
Gentleman of the Press, and which he furnished me with 



104 Nicholas's notes. 

tlie motto I have just wrote down. It is full short; but 
the respectability of its being one of Scott's lot makes 
amend, though I rather forget where it was as " Lord 
of the Isles" was made a favourite. As to " swelling 
my veins," a man is only too apt to feel so if he have 
been out late the night before. Memorandum. To write 
to my Young Friend and tell him as " Lecturer " is safe 
for to win the Northamptonshire Stakes on Tuesday, 

Tuesday night, 2nd April. Result. If my hand 
trembles as I write it down, it is not through drink. I 
wish it was ! I wish there was nothing worse than 
Drink ! ! ! What's the matter ? Buin's the matter ! 

Great Northamptonshire Stakes. 

Quick March ... ... ... ... 1 

Amanda colt ... ... ... ... 2 

Lecturer ... ... ... ... 3 

Smashed again, by all that's vexatious ! Knocked 
over — bowled clean out, — me, Nicholas, a man as have 
known the turf for years, — and all by a rank outsider ! ! 
Another blow like this will make the Prophet non est. 
The only consolation is that I acted truthful and fair by 
my Young Friend, and did not involve him in my own 
misfortunes. 

Wednesday morning, 3rd April. Back again in 
Belgravia, but I do not think as I shall be able to stay 
here long. It have already got about as I have had 
misfortunes ; and on coming up in the train, who should 
I see but my loathsome and low-lived Relative, perhaps 
the only man on the course as had backed " Quick 
March," and which he openly derided of me. As for 
the game little " Lecturer," here is wishing as he was 
boiled alive — the brute ! Nicholas. 



NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 105 

P.S. — I shall try and bring myself round again all 
right by backing Cambridge for the University Boat 
Race. 



Nicholas in the Dumps. 
" Back ! " — Shaeespeaee. 

My dear young Friend, — Misfortune jolly soon 
oozes out as you will see as my Gentleman of the Press 
have already turned against me, he only providing me 
with a single word for a motto out of old Shakespeare, 
and which it is all very well for poets to say "Back," 
but suppose you have backed, and the luck have 
gone against you, and your credit beginning to be shy ? 
There is no knowing how human affairs will turn out, 
and the Prophet may yet pull himself square on coming 
events ; but, my dear young man, I will not disguise it 
from you that Nicholas have lost, and heavily. 

The course of Nicholas, thank goodness, is tolerably 
clear. If fortune should again declare against him, he 
will be quite willing to go over to Paris for you, my 
dear young Friend, and continue in your employment 
by writing of Art- Criticisms for you on the Exhibition, 
he knowing quite as much about it as some which are 
employed at home by your serious contempories. 
The Prophet thinks that a series of light and homorous 
articles on " Eating Horseflesh : by One who knows 
better than for to do so," might be quite a feature, Sir, 
in your otherwise well-conducted journal. Or, I might 
see, perhaps, whether I happen to have left the MS. of 
my " Knurr and Spell" behind me during one of my 
passing visits to the gay capital of our lively neighbours. 
In any case, Sir, I trust as you will remember former 



106 Nicholas's notes. 

services, and not turn a poor, ruinous old man out on 
the streets, which I am nobody's enemy but my own, 
and have been known to keep steady for weeks to- 
gether. Besides, Sir, I am no worse than my prophetic 
rivals, which have all been let in the hole this season ; 
and I am still confident, Gentlemen, as my luck will 
come back when the weather gets a little warmer, 
Nicholas being firmly of opinion that hitherto the East 
wind have got into his head. Rally round the old 
adviser, Nicholas ! Who sent you the Derby winner 
of 1865 ? Who sent you the Derby winner of 1866 ? 
Who sent you the absolute first, second, and third for 
the '67 St. Leger ? Trust to the Prophet! Rally round 
him ! ! And all will yet be joy ! ! ! 

Nicholas. 
P.S. — I have ventured to draw on you for a few 
weeks' salary in advance, and got it cashed in the 
City. 

. P.S. 2. — I do not think it necessary to send my 
present address. 



Nicholas at the Boat Race. 

"Kow, Brothers, Kow!"— Popular Song. 
" Here's a jolly row!" — Popular Saying. 

Sheehxess. 
Respected Sir, — My Gentleman of the Press having 
left me in the lurch, and than whom a more ungrateful 
scoundrel, Nicholas having always treated him as an 
equal, and many is the glass of sherry-wine which he 
have had at my expense, though always giving himself 
airs and I daresay a deuced deal fonder of boozing along 
with his Spensers and Words worths than of mixing in 



Nicholas's notes. 107 

respectable society, so, Respected Sir, for such. I have 
ever held yon, my Gentleman of the Press haying left 
me in the lurch, I have drawn upon my own reading 
and observation for the mottoes of the present week, 
and which I consider as they are a deal more to the 
purpose than the far-fetched allusions of my literary 
man and his lot. I hate anything far-fetched, and 
always did, especially beer. And when I say as I have 
drawn upon my own reading and observation, I must 
not forget to apologise, the luck having gone against 
me, for having likewise drawn upon you, as mentioned 
in last week's countrybution to your New Serious. 

But, Respected Sir, from you also I consider as an 
explanation is required, After the years T have served 
you, was it just — was it grateful — was it worthy of a 
fine old English gentleman, one of the holden time, chorus 
— like a fine old English gentleman, one of the holden 
time — for to throw me over quite so public and so 
quick ? And when Nicholas says, " throw me over," he 
do not mean it in a literal sense, as if you had seized the 
Prophet by the scruff of his neck, which you would have 
been quite justified in doing, Sir, and shied him into the 
Thames last Saturday, for tliat could only have been a 
gentlemanly though violent evolution of tempory anger, 
Nicholas having cost you pounds and pounds by his 
unfortunate tip for the interesting aquatical computa- 
tion ; no, my dear young Friend — if such you will still 
kindly allow me to call you — nor yet do I complain 
because you thought proper to cut me dead on Barnes 
Terrace, for I will admit as the old man, through looking 
flushed with the morning air 5 and not being used to 
taking spirituous liquors so early in the day, and which 
I only did so under advice, there being several betting- 



108 Nicholas's notes. 

men along with me, all of which may easily have con- 
veyed the erroneous impression that Nicholas was more 
of a low lot than of a fine old English gentleman as ' 
before mentioned, and less calculated for to deliver a 
temperance oration than for to be took up by the police. 
Please begin another sentence, my worthy and estimable 
printers, if such you will still allow me to call you ; and 
should the Prophet ever have given you unnecessary 
trouble along of his authorgraphy and pointuation, he 
hopes you will not be too hard on an old man when he's 
down. 

No, Sir ; but what I venture respectfully to complain 
of — and what, if circumstances were different, I should 
freely say as it was a scandalous shame — is, that on 
Saturday afternoon you exhibited a placard in your 
office window, near the casts of the scientific animals, as 
follows : — 



Oxford and Cambridge Boat Eace. 

THE OLD MAN WRONG AGAIN ! 
[See FUN. 



See "Fun," forsooth! I am glad as you do so. I 
don't. I call it depreciating of the property, and crying 
stinking fish, saving your presence. Why, if you must 
have a flaming poster on the subject, and which I do not 
myself see the necessity, it is my honest conviction as a 
better one could have been drawn up by the office-boy, 
if he will still allow me to call him so. Depend upon 
it, Sir, if you had only brazened it out, the public would 
soon have got muddled in his head as usual. I know 



NICHOLAS S NOTES. 



109 



the public quite as well as the public knows me ; and I 
should say, Sir, as it was scarcely possible for any two 
parties to respect each other less ! No, Sir, here's my 

notion : — 



Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race. 
RIGHT AGAIN! TRIUMPH OF NICHOLAS! 

Who sent you the Absolute Second ? 

{.See FUN. 



You will see, Sir, as I have changed my address. 
Several reasons have induced me for to go out of town, 
especially climate. I find that London was getting 
rather too warm — in fact, if I may say so, too hot to 
hold me ; and so, having had a very kind invitation 
from a country friend which knowed me when I was 
respectable, years and years ago, and thinking as Sheer- 
ness was a tolerably secluded spot, down I came ; but 
when I reached this happy village, the friend of my 
infancy, which had lost heavy on the Light Blue by 
following my tip, he raised his unhallowed hands against 
me, and let me have it hot upon my hi. We are now 
reconciled, and if Plaudit wins the Two Thousand, or 
the game little Lecturer wins the Chester Cup, I shall 
come back, otherwise it is more than probable as I shall 
keep out of the way. 

P.S. 2. — The sherry wine here is beastly. Tou might 
send me down some. 

P.S. 3. — I have a good thing for the Derby. 

Nicholas. 



110 Nicholas's notes. 

Nicholas Down upon His Luce. 

" Down, down, hey deny down !" — Popular Song, 

" Down among the dead men let him lie !" — Popular Chorus. 

li All in the Downs !" — Popular Ballad. 

Epsom Downs. — Popular Race-Course. 

HOESELAYDOW3S". 

Honoured and Eespected Sir, — Considerable sur- 
prise have been expressed at the absence of Nicholas 
from your columns in the last number of the New Serious, 
and which I have no doubt but what such must have 
inflicted a bitter pang of disappointment on many thou- 
sands of the public breasts. 

Considerable surprise have also been expressed, in 
the commercial circles of Belgravia, at the absence of 
Nicholas from his home for a protracted period, during 
which all attempts to extort money from the Old Man, 
no matter how ingenious the plea or plausible the pre- 
text, have been, and will be so, entirely futile that it 
is the odds of the National Debt to a midshipman's 
half-pay, as they will not get a single sixpence out 
of Nicholas until his circumstances are very, very 
different. 

You may remember, dear Sir, that the Prophet 
vaticinated the victory of Cambridge over Oxford in the 
aquatical computation on the Thames ; — in fact, as 
you probably lost money by backing my selection, it is 
more than likely, as the fact may still be vividly im- 
pressed upon your mind — a mind, Sir, than which I 
may truly say none more cultivated and vivacious, if so 
much so. 

It may also, dear Sir, be within your affable recol- 
lection that Nicholas prophesied Plaudit for the Two 
Thousand, and stuck to him with a consistency which 



Nicholas's notes. 



hi 



he do not often exhibit with regard to any public animal 
whatever. 

Nor, my dear and venerated benefactor, is it likely 
as yon have forgotten that, several weeks ago, I un- 
hesitatingly declared that the Chester Cup would be 
won by the game little Lecturer. 

Perhaps, as it is highly desirable we should arrive at 
some clear and definite understanding, I had better put 
the matter into a tabular form, and if such causes any 
additional trouble to your worthy printers, than whom 
I am sure, if so much so. ..... 



EVENTS. 



SELECTIONS OE 
NICHOLAS. 



ACTUAL 
WLNNEBS. 



Oxford and Cambridge 
Two Thousand Guineas 
Chester Cup ... 



Cambridge. 

Plaudit. 

Lecturer. 



Oxford. 
Tauban. 
Beeswing. 



If some of your contemporaries, Sir, would act with 
equal candour, it might be good for the public, though 
bad for the prophets. 

Well, no man can stand three such facers in such 
quick succession. After hovering about — especially at 
Sheerness, which I will say a word or two about it 
presently — I came back into the old neighbourhood of 
Bermondsey. Mrs. Cripps, would, I daresay, have been 
delighted, for many reasons, to behold her once-loved 
lodger ; but, as one of those many reasons is that there 
is still a little pecuniary trifle outstanding between us, I 
have curbed my natural anxiety for to visit her. Horse- 
laydown, however, is in the immediate vicinity ; besides 
being near the River Thames, so that by taking a wherry 
I could quickly cross from one county to another, if a 



112 Nicholas's notes, 

set of malignant creditors should really push the Prophet 
hard. Besides, I shall be in a favourable position for 
picking up aquatic intelligence, to which I feel that you 
have not hitherto done justice in your otherwise well- 
conducted periodical publication. 

Nicholas. 



Nicholas in Business for Himself. 

The Oriental Eepositoet, Hobselaydown. 
My dear young Friend, — To all those which may 
have inquired, some of them individuously, and others 
in the spirit of a brother man, concerning of my pre- 
sent locus in quo you are now in a position to reply 
that I may be found at the above address, where all 
the chief periodicals of the day are on sale, and the 
Times lent to read. I was absent from your cheerful 
columns last week, it is true ; but, my dear young 
Friend, your classic lore will remind you as Rome was 
not built in a day, nor yet was the Oriental Repository , 
which I had to take it with some of the old stock, and 
between ourselves it has got a bad name, or they would 
not let me have it cheap, Tour artist, however — than 
whom a more respectable young man for his position in 
life, and I wish I had had something better on the pre- 
mises at the moment than half of a bottle of stout which, 
I am afraid, as it was a little turned with the hot 
weather — your artist, Sir, will tell you that Nicholas, 
who was once the glass of fashion, the mould of form, 
and the cynicsure of neighbouring eyes, is quietly con- 
verted into an honest British tradesman, ever ready for 
to sell you a penny Sunday paper, affable to the widow 



Nicholas's notes. 113 

and the orphan, and not unlikely for to ultimately soar 
into the very loftiest parochial honours. 

You will naturally ask me where I got my capital. 
I got it, my dear young Friend, from the quarter where 
least expected. At a time when my frenzied appeals to 
you, Sir, for a ten-pound note was treated with deri- 
sion — and, between ourselves, you would never have seen 
the money again if you. had been fool enough to lend 
it ! — at that time, Sir, who should come forward but my 
Relative, of whom I have frequently spoken in these pages, 
not always, perhaps, with that warm affection which it 
is his rightful due, but well he knows as I have always 
really loved him. His words were plain and blunt, 
which I will transcribe a few of them : "If left without 
any assistance whatever, you will probably take to 
Crime; and, although you have treated your best friends 
with scandalous ingratitude, they have no desire to see 
you in a felon's cell. You shall have another chance. 
You are not absolutely a fool ; and with common care 
and attention you may pick up a decent living in the 
periodical line. Stick to business ; keep yourself sober : 
and all may yet be well." Very plainly put, Sir, was it 
not ? and so here is my Relative's jolly good health, in 
a bumper ! And yours, Sir ! And we will let the bumper 
pass, whilst we'll fill another glass, to the athletic men 
of merry, merry England ! 

"The Oriental Repository," Sir, it is a name, or 
rather an appellation, which I have invented it all out 
of my own head, on account of Horselaydown being in 
the East. 

The Derby of 1867. 

From the spirited delineation, Sir, given by your 
Artist, the public will see as I had not fallen into a 



114 Nicholas's notes. 

Prophetic Trance, but was a-standing at my shop door, 
with all my wits about me, and a leary smile npon those 
lineaments which, although at present confined chiefly 
to the neighbourhood of the Oriental Repository (for 
fiscal reasons), were once familiar to Britannia's Hope 
and all the rest of the Aristocracy. It was on one of 
the few warm days with which we have been favoured. 
The Old Man's heart, Sir, was full. The manly conduct 
of his Relative had touched him a good deal. He had 
likewise been having a little rum-and-water with a sea- 
captain. At such a moment, Sir, it is not unlikely as 
the prophetic spirit may have stirred me to my inmost 
depths. As usual on such occasions, it took a metrical 
form. 

Awake, Prophetic Harp ! In Sixty- five 

You sent them Gladiateur, who's still alive ; 

In Sixty-six was Nicholas a dolt, 

Sending Lord Lyon and the Bribery Colt ? 

Gents, get your money ready, fair and free, 

While the Old Man proclaims One, Two, and Three ! 

So you see, I begin it as cocky as possible — though 
between ourselves I cannot hope to be successful every 
year. 

First in the line of sight appears Yauban, 

One of the boldest as ha3 ever ran ; 

Yes, just as I have written long ago, 

Look, the " Rake's Progress " has resulted so. 

I've pledged myself to eat him should he win, 

But didn't say when feeding would begin ; 

And it would prove, Sir, an unpleasant dinner 

For to devour a real " dead " Derby winner ! 

If D'Estournel his temper keep, no horse 

Can match him on the trying Epsom course. 

Yan Amburgh, too, will earn a lasting fame, or 

Not be described as a Lord Ly on-tamer ! 



Nicholas's notes. 115 

Say, say ! is Hermit always in the dark ? 
Or will the Marksman never hit the mark ? 
Will mighty Julius struggle still in vain ? 
Nor Plaudit come unto the front again ? 
Perpend these hints ; their hidden meaning scan, 
And, if ye win, send stamps to the Old Man ; 
The minimum it will be half-a-crown, 
At the Oriental Repository, Horselaydown ! 

Nicholas. 

P.S. — Do not forget, " The Oriental Repository," 
Horselaydown. All Vorks on Knurr and Spell kept 
in stock. Soda-water sold. 



The Oriental Repository, Horselaydown (Limited). 

" I will be Correspondent to command, 
And do my spiriting gently." 

Shakespeare. Ariel : Tempest. 
(Koutledge's Shilling Edition is kept in stock at the ^Repository.) 

Immense Success of Nicholas, and Brilliant Triumph 

of the Old Man! 

KB. — Mr. Nicholas is not in the habit of resorting 
to this method of advertisement, but is compelled to do 
so on the present occasion by a regard for the interests 
and feelings of his brother directors of the Repository, 
where periodicals may be ordered a fortnight in 
advance. 

My dear young Friend, Fellow-Sportsman, and 
Brother- Winner, — The heart of the Old Man is full. 
Since that happy morning when you and me, Sir, talked 
it over in the back office, with nobody present but a 
large white cat and the fine old artist which have 
drawn my portrait — since we agreed that the tip should 



116 Nicholas's notes. 

be Hermit, Marksman, and Vauban, the only gloomy 
feelings in the Prophet's bosom have been two — one 
that he had not the wealth of Creases for to back his 
selection, the other that perhaps we did not make it 
altogether quite so plain to the public as might have 
been desired. For that fault, however, — if fault it were, 
■ — I decline to hold myself responsible. It's your busi- 
ness, my young Friend, for to edit the paper and put 
things in proper order ; and if, through not being much 
of a sportive character — nor do I believe as you really 
know a racer from a radish — you mix up the horses' 
names which are sent you in accordance with your own 
crochetty whims, or the suggestions of the printers? 
which have been a deal too free of late with the Prophet's 
copy — if you then mislead the fine old artist likewise, 
after he have drawn for you for the last fifty years, and 
get him to put Hermit second when I distinctly wrote, 
having the memorandum by me, and excuse haste of 
spelling — " you put the Hermit fust, symbolifixing him 
by a old cove rather down upon his luck, and with none 
too much clothes for to wear" — if thus you act, the 
blame is not justly due to Nicholas. 

Happily, however, for the interests of truth and 
justice, literary scriptures manent (Latin quotations kept 
in stock at the Repository), and my own poetic words 
will vindicate me with the public. I w^as fair, I was 
more than fair, to Vauban, and I take no shame for it. 
I said he was 

" One of the boldest as has ever ran j " 

and so he was, a good game horse. I then treated a 
few others with that happy mixture of good-humour 
and sarcasm which is now known throughout an empire 



117 

on which the sun never sets as Nicholastic ; and having 

clone so, I bust so to speak — not as I mean your Prophet 
really flew asunder, with his head flying wildly into the 
air, like the cork of the soda-water bottle — and he keeps 
it in stock at the Repository — but I bust into this 
distinct and powerful prophecy:— 

u Say, say, is Hermit always in the dark, 
And will the Marksman never hit the mark ?" 

Thus Bracketing Together the Absolute First and 
Second ! ! ! 

As for my Relative, I have no particular complaint 
for to make against him just at present. I dare say as 
he means well, and if he is far indeed from being a 
gentleman and scholar, most of his friends going so far 
as to say he is a mean old hunks, why we cannot make 
a silk purse out of the ear of a female swine. He have 
recently been of great service to Nicholas, ancMHte) you 
see I stand up for him. 

Me and some other gentlemen are a-turning of the 
Repository into a Company, which I daresay more will 
be heard of it. By Order of the Board, 

Nicholas, Managing Director. 

P.S. — Do not forget the Oriental Repository 
(Limited), Horselaydown. The Old Man always at 
home, or may be found at the " Grapes," where the best 
of sherry wine. Lessons given in Knurr and Spell. 
Portraits of Xicholas, from a crown. Rats. 



118 Nicholas's notes. 

Nicholas on Commercial Pursuits, the Influence o*' 
the Turf, and Morality. 
The Oriental Bepositoby (Limited), Horselaydown. 

My dear young Friend, — Your favour of yesterday's 
date is duly to hand, and contents noted. 

Excuse me if you find my style a little cramped to 
what it were. The fact is that in the conduct of an 
immense business like the Oriental Repository, I 
naturally lose a good deal of my old littery gaiety and 
fall back upon a more commercial method of expression. 
As one of London's merchant princes — and which I 
have quite as much right to the title as any ordinary 
Lord Mayor, such being generally rather in the way of 
wholesale trade than what my friends, Baring Brothers, 
would understand by the word commerce — as one of 
London's merchant princes, and having to go into the 
City early of a morning for to get our stock of papers, 
and which the w T ay that the boys chaff an elderly man 
is fiendish — as one of London's merchant princes, the 
business steadily increasing and the branch which I 
have set up at Sheerness already returning me a hand- 
some profit, Nicholas being at last recognised in his 
native town as a true local Reformer, and if the inhabi- 
tants have any sense of gratitude they will send the Old 
Man a testimonial, either something capable (like him- 
self) of holding a good deal of liquor, or else (which he 
would prefer) a purse of sovereigns — as one of London's 
merchant princes — 

Nicholas have been advised by his Relative to 
abandon the Turf altogether, and stick to his shop ; but 
well do I know that this is only his envy, he being 
(though a good fellow in his way), always jealous of my 
superior abilities and my more aristocratical bearing. 



NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 119 

Nicholas have no patience, my dear young friend, 
with this here outcry all of a sudden against the Turf. 
We are told that the Turf ain't respectable. Why, in 
the name of Ruff's Guide and the Racing Calendar, toho 
ever thought it ivas ? 

Young noblemen, we are told, go to the bad. It is 
a great pity, of course ; but if a boy happens to be a 
profligate and a fool, how on earth are you to prevent 
him from squandering his estate and dishonouring his 
name ? 

I am not myself connected with the Peerage, though 
my family have always (until my own time) been con- 
sidered respectable, and an ancestor of mine, as I have 
often told you, was formerly in the Custom House itself; 
but supposing me to be a duke, do you think as I could 
not have ruined myself by other ways than betting on 
the Turf? Supposing as I was the Duke of Horselay- 
down in the peerage of England, and the Duke of Mac 
Nichol in the peerage of Scotland, and Le Due do 
Nicholas in the peerage of France — and supposing I was, 
at the same time, a queer sort, do you think as it is 
race-horses alone which would lead me — and that pretty 
quick — to the mischief ? Oh no, ye canst not think so. 
The simple truth is that when a man is a bad egg, it 
don't much matter what spoon you crack him with. 

If you come to mere morality, mind you, the Old 
Man is not sure as you are a bit worse, you young men 
of 1867, than what he was himself at an anollogus 
period, he being accustomed for to carry on dreadful ; 
and many is the officer of police which might even now 
recognise in the weather-worn countenance of Nicholas 
some resemblance to one who in formal years — but 
perhaps this is vanity- glorious. 



120 Nicholas's notes. 

The peculiarity of young men just now — and in say- 
ing young men, the Prophet means from twenty to 
thirty, leaving out boys on the one side and steady old 
coves on the other — the peculiarity of young men just 
now is that they care for little and believe in nothing. 
In Nicholas's own time, even when a youngster was 
vicious, there was generally two things about him as 
was worth notice : — in the first place, he got something 
like enjoyment out of his vices; and in the second 
place he was seldom so far gone but what he was 
ashamed of them. 

Young Hopeful of the present day still talks about 
seeing life ; but you would think as it was Death he 
saw, his eyes get so dull and fixed. Enjoyment, Sir ? 
You come along of Nicholas to any place where they 
congregate, these young men ; and your good and gifted 
old guide, Sir, meaning me, will turn round upon you 
with the majesty of a Socrates or even a Plater, and bid 
ye answer whether ever in your life you saw faces more 
dull, more weary, more woebegone. They have ate their 
cake, these boys ; and not only can they consequently 
never have such again, but it have made them far from 
well in their insides. 

[These remarks may seem harsh; but, Sir, the 
patience of Job himself would have changed to the 
indignant ferocity of an irritated Bradlaugh, had certain 
events befallen him. 

Every 'penny made in the Repository has oeen dropped 
at Ascot ! There ; now the murder's out. Noio, perhaps, 
you perceive why the Prophet, usually so gay, is at 
present much less like an exulting Spirit of Joy than 
what he is like a bear with a sore head, and has serious 
thoughts of cutting the whole concern, never reading 



Nicholas's notes. 121 

another sportive paper, never writing another sportive 
prophecy, but taking my Relative's hint and seriously 
sticking to business, until I shall have realized enough 
to resume my old pursoots.] 

And now, Sir, about manners. They are not 
ashamed, these young ones are not, to behave in a way 
which Nicholas — though he do not like the word — is 
constrained to call " caddish." I am not myself of noble 
blood, though my family is respectable and always looks 
back with pride to the illustrious traditions of those 
grand old days when one of us was connected with 
Britannia's Custom House itself; but I should be sorry 
such as I am, to behave in the way that is now common 
— I should just say as it was common, in a parenthesis ! 
— amongst our young men, not merely amongst those 
who are fast, and consequently loose, but even amongst 
steadier ones. 

There is a growing indifference to the claims of 
woman, Sir, which is a sign of barbarical deterioration — 
Young England puffs tobacco, Sir, in her face ; he talks 
to her about subjects, the very mention of which is an 
insult for which an honest girl's brother would be quite 
justified in knocking him down ; the gentle courtesy of 
the past is dead ; and with the exception of a few cava- 
liers de la vieille roclie — such as Xicholas himself — 
society is getting like a Cremorne with all the amuse- 
ments left out. 

These remarks, Sir, have been suggested to the 
Prophet by incidents which happened to him recently in 
Paris, where he thought himself justified, being still a 
bachelor, in a little flirtation with a young lady at Spiers 
and Pond's, and which the fair one and him was getting 
along as nicely as possible, when who should step in 



122 Nicholas's notes. 

but a young whipper-snapper, than whom I am sure his 
hat was only fit for a show, and as for his coat — well, 
the Prophet would not advise him for to show himself 
to his schoolmaster in such, since the temptation might 
be too many for that pedagogue — and which I could 
plainly hear him calling of me "a pottering old tout;" 
and she laughed at Nicholas ! 



Nicholas on British Hospitality. 
Omental Kepositoet (Limited), Hoeselaydown. 

My dear young Friend,— My relative, who is not 
a fool, whatever else he may be, have suggested that 
remarks of a vaticinatory and even prophetic character 
might be applied to many other events besides those 
which are mixed up with my country's Turf; and he 
have hinted that, at my time of life, Nicholas has a 
right to express his own opinion on any subject in the 
world, bar none. 

Nicholas have been requested for to lend his power- 
ful and world-wide aid on behalf of British Hospitality 
to our Belgian visitors. The Old Man cannot say that 
he knows very much about the Belgians, nor yet about 
Belgia itself, he having only been there once, nor do you 
find him so again. No, no, my brave young Belgic 
visitors ; never no more will the Prophet cross the 
stormy ocean, except it be to Paris direct. Nicholas, 
however, is bound to say that when he ivas in Belgia, 
he was treated with sumptuous hospitality and cham- 
pagne wine all day ; and Nicholas has great pleasure 
in coming forward, alongside of H.R.H. and the noblest 
of the land, to vindicate his country's character for 
hospitality. 



Nicholas's kotes. 123 

His country's character for hospitality ain't good. 

Nicholas will not pretend to know much about 
geography and the use of globes, though I will yield 
to no man of my age and weight, bar none, in estimating 
of the points of the horse ; but Nicholas have been 
reading a good deal in the papers at the Repository, and 
rumours have reached him concerning of Pashas of 
Turkey (where Constantinople is, as the song was 
wrote about), and the Sultans of the Egyptians, and 
other monarchs, all of whom are likely for to visit 
Britain's shore. 

Gentlemen all, I have noticed that now these 
illustrious visitors are coming we don't know what to 
do with them. 

It is easy enough — though mean — to let 'em all 
take lodgings at a respectable public, if any such will 
admit the heathen ; but some kind of State notice ought 
to be taken of 'em, and something done for to improve 
their minds. Accordingly, 

Nicholas will give the Eastern Potentates 
A free Admission 

To View the Oriental Repository, (Limited). 

And, my dear young Friend, representing — as you 
do on this auspicious and momentous occasion— the 
tax-paying public of Great Britain, I am sure that you 
will only be too delighted for to make good any little 
expense to which I may be put. 

Nor is even this the full extent of British Hospitality. 
Nicholas is prepared for to go further still and to give 

An International Soiree. 
Programme. 

7 p.m. — March to Horselaydown by the Belgian 



124 Nicholas's notes* 

Volunteers. N.B. — Any of the Belgian Volunteers as 
may like to bring their own provisions will be allowed 
to do so. 

8. p.m. — Opening of the Oriental Repository. 

8.15 p.m. — Arrival of the Belgians, Egyptians, Tur- 
keys, and Abbeysinias. N.B. — Any monarch s liking to 
come in their own carriages will be allowed for to do 
so. Gentlemen, the Repository is Liberty Hall ! 
Should any King prefer the threepenny 'bus, he will be 
entitled for to receive back his fare on producing, at the 
Repository, a stamped receipt from the conductor — 
but Nicholas truly hopes that no foreign monarch will 
be quite so mean. 

8.20 p.m. — Anybody anxious to present purses to 
Nicholas will be allowed to do so. 

8.30 p.m. — Public Opening of Two Bottles of Sherry 
Wine. N.B. — The corks will be Inaugurated by Sir 
Went worth Dilke and Mr. Henry Cole, C,B. 

8.35 p.m. — The Prophet will declare that the sherry 
wine is open. N.B. — This will be considered as equiva- 
lent to a good deal. 

8.36 p.m. — The foreign Visitors will begin to won- 
der what it all means. Observing which, at exactly 

8.37 p.m. — Nicholas will offer the Sultan a tumbler 
of sherbet. Great enthusiasm. No charge will be made 
for the sherbet. 

9 p.m. — The Belgians will be allowed to send for 
what they like in the way of liquor. No charge will be 
made for this permission. 

10 p.m. — The Old Man will make a gracious valedic- 
tory address, ending with the words, " Don't you think 
you'd better go ?" Greater enthusiasm than ever. 
The ceremony will then conclude by Nicholas singing 



Nicholas's notes. 125 

the National Anthem in the back parlour ; and the 
character of British Hospitality will THUS be re- 
deemed ! Nicholas. 



Nicholas on the Recent Festivities. 

My dear young Friend, — Had I the arms of a Bria- 
reus, or even of a Morpheus, combined with the eyes of 
an Argus (by whom I do not mean the sportive corre- 
spondent of the Morning JPost, though here is wishing 
him no harm) — and if you were likewise for to endow 
the Old Man with as many legs as used to meet in the 
Ruins, it would still be utterly impossible for Nicholas 
to cope with the rush of events, all demanding of either 
sportive or prophetic treatment. 

Nicholas and the Belgians. 

(From the Prophet's own Penny-a-liner.) 
Considerable excitement was recently occasioned not 
a hundred miles from the neighbourhood of the Oriental 
Repository, kept by the well-known Mr. Nicholas, in 
Horselaydown, by the appearance of a large number of 
the Belgian Volunteers. From circumstances which 
have since transpired, it is fully believed that had an 
alarming conflagration broken out at this moment, the 
flames would have lit up in bright relief the steeples of 
the neighbouring religious edifices, and that much praise 
would also have been due to the police for keeping off 
the pressure of the crowd. Fortunately, the devouring 
element was otherwise employed. 

[Note by Nicholas. — Of course it was. There was 
a dinner at the Mansion House. That's the place that 
really stood in danger from the " devouring" element, 

9 



126 Nicholas's notes. 

not the Repository, where it is but little as I eat, good- 
ness knows. Go on with the account now, Messrs. 
Printers and Co.] 

On arriving at the Oriental Repository — a spacious 
building in no particular order of architecture — the 
Belgians were most warmly received by their enter- 
tainer, who addressed them in the French language 
with great fluency, and which, when it was interpreted 
to them, they expressed themselves much pleased with 
his truly intro-national sentiments. The distinguished 
host stated his regret that he could not entertain them 
all at once; but added, that if they would go round to 
the " Admiral Keppel " in three distinct bodies, he would 
personally accompany each detachment, and make sure 
that the liquor was good by tasting it himself. 

This proposition being received with enthusiastic 
cheers, the first distinct body set out upon its march, 
accompanied by Nicholas and your Reporter. The 
proceedings at the "Admiral Keppel" were of a very 
satisfactory kind — very satisfactory kind — especially 
the rura- and- water. 

The second distinct body was equally fortunate, and 
the proceedings at the " Admiral Keppel " were still 
satisfactory — still most satisfactory — and where is he 
who can deny such, especially the whiskey-toddy ? 
And where is he who can deny whiskey-toddy ? But 
it made the Belgians as tight— as — a — drum, you know 
— tightsadrum. Me and old Nicholas, being used to it, 
wasn't even touched— even touched. But you should 
have seen the third distinct body. Why, they were 
twice as numerous as the others ; and not a man of 'em 
sober, except me and old Nicholas, in the third distinct 
— distinctive bod^ . 



Nicholas's notes, 127 

[Note by Nicholas. — The account, allowing for a 
little exaggeration, is substantially correct ; but where 
it says that lie wasn't " even touched," why, I had — 
being a householder — to bail him out ! ] 

Nicholas. 



Nicholas at Goodw t ood. 

Bbighton, South Coast. 

My dear young Feiend, — It is all of no use. Me 
and the Turf were made for one another, and we cannot 
be long divided. Business at the Repository would have 
got along tolerably w T ell, I dare say, if I could have con- 
sented for to put my Pegasus in harness — and would 
back that animal, weight for age, against any other 
Pegasuses of the time, bar none ; if I could have cramped 
my soaring aspirations, bottled up my ardent love 
for good society, and sunk to the level of a retail 
trader. 

It was not to be. I did think of going in for civic 
honours at one time, but I am told as the Common 
Council is a low lot ; and the sale of newspapers over 
a counter, my dear young Friend, although it may have 
tendencies for to improve the mind and such, yet it is 
very trying when the boys come in of a morning, and 
begin for to chivy you, so for to speak, than whom I am 
sure as one of them called me a blear-eyed old leg, 
which is not merely insulting, but anatomically im- 
possible. 

, The Repository, however, has its uses. Between 
ourselves, of course, Betting-houses have been long 
abolished, by the strong arm of the law ; oh certainly, 
yes, my dear young Friend ; and quite right, too, 



128 Nicholas's notes. 

Betting, as we all know, is immoral — ain't it, Sir? 
Twig ? 

There are lists at the Bepository, gentlemen all ; and 
the market rates strictly observed. You may trust Mr. 
Nicholas with any amount. He pledges himself for to 
let you to do so — and when he says " pledges himself" 
he do not mean as he is in the habit of putting himself 
up the spout w^hen in tempory embarrassment, but like 
signing your name when you write to a newspaper, 
" as a guarantee of good faith." 

The advent, Sir, of glorious Goodwood brought 
matters to a crisis. Tour aged man shut up the Re- 
pository for a day or two — several deposits having been 
made there — and he rigged himself up with the funds 
thus obtained in a style which, he flatters himself, was 
tolerably " down the road." When you are a public 
character you must manage to keep up appearances. 
Personally, I am more remarkable for intellect than 
what I am for beauty, though still a good-looking old 
chap for my period, if I may say so without being 
vanity- glorious, and have never been done justice by the 
artises, they always representing Nicholas as though he 
had been partaking of too much for to drink. 

But oh, my dear young Friend, what trials awaited 
my proud spirit ! I was once, as you are well aware, 
hand-in-hand with my country's youthful aristocracy, 
than whom I am sure a finer set of young fellows, 
though a little gay ; but the noblemen and gents which 
gladly fraternised with Mr. Nicholas the eminent Turf- 
ite, would Lave nothing for to say to Mr. Nicholas the 
honest retail Trader, and the proprietor of a Repository 
than which I am sure anything more truly an em- 
porium, 



129 

H.R.H. himself — my once bosom friend — still gave 
me a friendly nod as I lifted off my hat : but the Cam- 
bridges never noticed me at all, nor yet did Teck. 

This comes, Sir, of being lured by wily relatives into 
compromising of my position as a gentleman on the 
Turf, and a man, one of whose ancestors was under 
Government in the Custom House itself — compromising 
of my position, Sir, and entering into trade. For it is, 
after all, Sir, a satisfactory thing to a man who loves his 
country, that princes and nobles will have nothing to 
say to traders, such as merchants and Repositorians ; 
but that they will sit down with betting-men, and hob 
and nob with money-lenders, and smoke with trainers, 
and slap boy-jockeys on the back as they ply them with 
champagne. 

I think, my dear young Friend, as I shall have for 
to cut the shop, and get back into society. 

Nicholas. 

P.S. — I am stopping here at a very comfortable 
hotel, and which I have told them as I am your Repre- 
sentative, and they will send the bill to the office 
accordingly. 



Nicholas at the Seaside. 

The Cxiffs op Albion. 
My dear young Friexd, — You will see by the above 
address as I have begun for to take my holidays, feeling 
sure as you would wish me for to do so about this 
period, although, from feelings of delicacy towards the 
other contributors, you have nobly abstained from tell- 
ing me so to my face. Between ourselves, it was high 



130 



NICHOLAS S NOTES. 



time as I gave myself a little rest and recreation. The 
cares of business — the constant anxiety connected with 
the management of so great a concern, and I may even 
say so vast an Emporium, as the Repository — not to 
mention me being up awfully late of a night, and per- 
haps partaking of a little more sherry wine than what 
is good for me — these circumstances, Sir, have been 
wearing away of the Old Man to the shadow of his 
former self. 

You having kindly allowed me for to draw some of 
my wages in advance, I was free to choose my place of 
rest, and Brads Jiaiv was my guide. (See Milton's 
" Parodies Lost.") 

To the everlasting honour of human nature, the 
Prophet had received several pressing invitations for 
the autumn ; as for instance, if the printers will kindly 
put it into a tabular form, like a correct card, so for to 
sneak : — 



NATURE OF 
INVITATION. 


INVITATOR. 


OBJECT. 


OBJECTION." 


Scotch. 
Welsh. 
French. 
Norfolkshire. 


His Grace. 
Sir Watkm. 
L ; Emperoor. 
H RH. 


Grouse. 
Mountains. 
L'Exposishon. 
Partridge -birds. 


Legs. 
Wind. 
Been. 
Stale. 



There was likewise my old impostor of a Relative, 
which after having lured me into Retail Trade, had still 
the cool impudence for to declare as he would "give 
me another chance, if I would come down and have a 
quiet week at his suburban willa." Him and his willa 
be blowed ! I know what that means ; it means early 



Nicholas's notes. 131 

hours, it means him locking up the cellarette, it means 
Nicholas never having that final tumbler, or so, which 
is essential to an Old Man's health at the Prophet's 
period. 

All things considered, the Aged One thought as he 
could not do better than move, by easy stages, from one 
fashionable maritime resort to another, taking care, 
wherever he went, for to uphold the honour of the New 
Serious as your Confidential Representative and Sportive 
Editor. 

Everywhere, when I arrived, I found that the peri- 
odical was respected ; and which it stands to reason as 
it must have been respected still more so on my de- 
parture. Between ourselves, I think as it is very likely 
a completely new system of Hotel Reform may have 
been inaugurated by your Sportive Editor ; for instead 
of paying their bills on the spot and without a murmur, 
which would only encourage extortion, I told every 
landlord as he had better send his bill to the Office, 
Number Eighty, Fleet Street, London, E.C.. where you, 
my dear young Friend, will have an opportunity of 
seeing them, of comparing them, and of bringing the 
matter before the public mind in such case as you should 
consider any of them exorbitant. 

One charge, however, certainly requires a little 
explanation, or else might seem excessive. You will 
find, in the Brighton accounts, one where it says, "Bed, 
os. ; Attendance, 2s. ; Brandy- and- water, 78s." — in all, 
Sir, amounting to £4 5s. Od. Do not imagine, my dear 
young Friend, as those seventy-eight tumblers were all 
consumed by Nicholas. There were six of us as had 
all been over to the Races ; and when you divide by 
six, especially considering the heat of the weather, 



132 Nicholas's notes. 

I am still in hopes as you will not think I had too 
much. 

The best of sea-air is that you can take almost any 
quantity of refreshment without its hurting you. 

I will write you again, if I am in want of money ; 
but what with the system of Hotel Reform which I 
have adopted, and what with the general public's eager- 
ness to stand treat to the celebrated Mr. Nicholas, 
which I have had the name put conspicuous on my 
little travelling trunk, my expenses hitherto in ready 
cash have been far more moderate than what you would 
expect. 

It is time for to go and sit down in a chair on the 
Parade, for to get an appetite. Nicholas. 



Nicholas on Croaky. 

Of what is the Old Man thinking ? — Popular Ballad. 

Out Fopw My Holidays. 
My dear young Friend, — The Old Man was think- 
ing, Sir, as it was high time for me to send a country- 
bution to the first number of the Sixth Volume of your 
New Serious, when he was delighted for to perceive by 
a friendly missive, which it reached me through a 
private channel, as you were yourself quite of the same 
opinion. In fact, my dear young Friend, you put it 
even more forcible than what I could have done so 
myself, where you capitally say as my conduct is dis- 
graceful. This, Sir, is the true frankness of the Anglo- 
Saxonian gentleman, than whom I am sure as I have 
always considered you one of them, though a little too 
apt for to blow up men as are more than twice your 



Nicholas's notes. 133 

age. I fancied, Sir, as I could hear the very tones of 
your familiar voice in that sweet passage where the 
letter says as I am " a delusive old vagabond, on whom 
no reliance can be placed." You are not the only 
person which may have said so ; but what I am sincerely 
grateful for is the friendly way in which the communi- 
cation is made, where you say that if I do not send you 
some copy you will have me locked up for obtaining 
of money under false pretences. Nothing, Sir, could be 
more frank, nor straightforwarder, nor more calculated 
for to put Nicholas on his mettle. 

To say as I have been doing much execution among 
the partridge-birds, Sir, would be entirely useless, as I 
am sure you would not believe me, and therefore abstain 
from telling you a systematic falsehood ; — but I have 
been winning laurels, so for to speak, in another sphere, 
and which it is more adapted for the Prophet's present 
period of life, not to speak of my future. 

I allude, Sir, to the delightful game of Croaky — or, 
as the French say, Croquet ; but I always pronounce it 
personally in the way which I have spelled it first. 

Had I the pen, Sir, of a Captain Mayne Routledge, 
or a Mr. Edmund Reid, or of a gentleman to whom 
Shakespeare alludes as " the melancholy Jaques," which 
it strikes the Old Man as being rather like taking a 
liberty for to call him so, I would then, Sir, expatiate 
on the rules of the game, though what after all is the 
use of doing so when no two people can be found who 
play exactly alike ; but this is a digression. Full stop. 

The Old Man, however, never sparing trouble nor 
expense when he sees a chance of affording combined 
amusement and instruction to the readers of your valuable 
New Serious, will give you a sketch of 



134 nicholas's notes. 

Croaky ; as Plated by Nicholas Himself. 

1. Get the Marchioness to bring out a chair for you* 
so as yon may not have to walk about the ground more 
than what is convenient. 

2. Get her for to mix you a glass of cold brandy- and- 
water. Note. — There are some grounds where this is 
considered low. What's the odds ? 

3. Say you won't play until the next game, as you 
like to see the young people enjoying themselves. 

4. See the young people enjoying themselves, and 
drink the cold brandy-and-water. 

5. Send for another glass. Note. — Some players go 
to sleep at this stage of the game, but it is not obliga- 
tory for to do so. Suit yourself. 

6. Take a weed, and wait till the game is over. 

7. Take a mallet, and wait till the game begins. 

8. Be particularly careful not to hit your ball through 
the first hoop. 

9. Same as No, 8. Note. — The advantage of this 
plan, which is seldom recommended by less experienced 
authors, is that you can stay close to your chair where 
the cold brandy-and-water is. 

10. Stay close to your chair where the cold brandy- 
and-water is. 

11. A good strong pair of spectacles will help you in 
watcliing the darlings when they put their dear little 

boots but Nicholas, Nicholas, you have a reputation 

for morality, my boy ! Sustain it. 

12. Say you are afraid the grass is getting damp, 

beg to be excused, go indoors, and have some more 

brandy-and-water. 

Eemaeks. 

It will be seen as this Manwal is free from tedious 



Nicholas's notes. 135 

technicalities, and likewise from wrangling discussions 
about the mere minutiae of the game. It is enough for 
the young player to learn the general principles of 
Croaky. 

If these brief but well-considered remarks should 
help to inspire any one with a real affection for the 
noble game — and if, above all, they should tend to wipe 
away a tear from the cheeks of Innocence, whilst alle- 
viating the hardships of the poor, they will have more 
than fulfilled the fondest aspirations of 

Nicholas Himself. 



A Voice from Nicholas at Sea. 

A bottle has been forwarded to our office. The 
bottle is not precisely empty, inasmuch as it contains 
what purports to be a communication from our eccentric 
contributor, Nicholas. In every other respect, however, 
it is as empty as a bottle could possibly be. The label 
on it bears the legend " Sherry Wine." We hasten to 
lay this remarkable document before our readers. 

The Atlantic Ocean, in the Midst or the 

EQUALNOXIOUS GrALES. 

My deae YOUNG Fkienjd, — If, by any possibility, this 
bottle should meet the eye of Mr. Frank Buckland, than 
whom a more vivacious man of science, nor yet a more 
truly rural ostreacultural ostreaculturalist, though a 
little gay — and when I say " meet his eye," Nicholas do 
not suppose as he will be out bathing and diving, and 
that this peculiar medium of postal communication will 
bob right up against his optic just as he emerges for to 
have a sort of a blow — and when I say " a sort of a 



136 NICHOLAS'S NOTES. 

blow," the Old Man does not mean as the bottle should 
hit him, but more after the manner of a whale, — Mr. B. 
will, perhaps, be so good enough for to send it to the 
Office of Pun, and which he knows where it is. 

The Prophet, Sir, had been wallowing in the lapses 
of luxury to such an extent that he had pretty well nigh 
forgotten the necessity of predicting the winner of the 
St. Leger. This morning, for instance, there was me 
and Reginald de Courcy and little Spiffins set out from 
Ventnor for a day's sea-fishing. Spiffins — which his 
father made his money in retail trade, and accordingly 
Spiff, calls every man a "cad" which is hard-up, as I 
may have been myself, Sir — was only too proud, never- 
theless, for to come out along of a territorial swell like 
Reginald, and a literary celebrity like me ; and so, for 
to amuse him, we let him pay the expenses, and likewise 
bring worms for bait. 

Log. 

10.30 a.m. — Wind, Sou'ard-by- West- Westerly. 
Chorus, Far, far upon the sea. Sentiment, The Memory 
of the late Lord Nelson. Toast, Here's the Wind that 
blows, and the Ship that goes, and the Lass that loves a 
sailor ! Pushed off. Set sail. 

10.35. — Made an observation. Reading of it taken 
by Reginald, as follows : — " Spiff., hand over a cork- 
screw, and look after the worms, will you?" 

11.3. — The stormy winds did blow, did blow, and the 
stormy winds do blow ! Spiff, engaged in fixing the bait 
on the lines. Reginald and me was a-smoking, so for 
to speak. 

11.10. — Opened a bottle of sherry wine. Told Spiff. 
as he might have some, if so be as he insisted upon it, 
but which he had much better attend to the worms. 



Nicholas's notes. 137 

Memorandum. — Spiff, ain't much of a good sailor, when 
all's said and done. 

11.30. — Began for to fish. Me and Reginald took 
it easy, so for to speak, and let little Spiff, attend to 
the lines. What beautiful lines, for instance, were 
those made by Dr. Watts : " How does the busy little 
Spiff. Improve each shining minute ! He goes a-fishing 
in a skiff, Ri fol de rol de rol ! " Spiff, ain't much of a 
good sailor, though. 

11.35. — Say what they will, the rolling motion of a 
small sailing- boat is much more adapted for a stupid 
young fool like Spiff., or for a robust member of the 
territorirorial aristocracy like Reginald, than what it 
is for a man of literary genius, meaning me. They 
were very good to me, both of 'em ; and which I am 
afraid as it was partly my own fault, the Prophet having 
imprudently said as he was fond of a short chopping 
sea, like what there is around me at the present moment 
-oh Lord, oh Lord ! 
11.40. — They say it does you good though. 
11.45. — It may be doing me good. I dare say as it 

lis. I will humbly endeavour for to believe so. But I 
wish as it would not do me good in this here particular 

1 way. 

12.0. — Noon, at Meridium. — There are worse fellows 

lin the world than little Spiff, likewise than Reginald. 

I They have put things over me ; and they have likewise 

Iput things into me, so for to speak. Cognac. Sherry 

Iwine. Bottled Beer. Sherry wine. Bottled Beer. 

lCognac. Old Man '11 have a sleep. 

Post Meridium. 
If, by any possibility, this bottle should meet the 



138 Nicholas's notes. 

eye of Mr. Frank Buckland — and which perhaps I may 
as well clean it out first of all, by partaking of the 
sherry wine which ifc contains — let him tell the Editor 
as I was constant to iny duties up to the very last. I 
am miserably, hopelessly, and desperately ill. I do not 
think as I shall ever live for to get ashore. I am cer- 
tain that, if I should, no earthly power will ever again 
induce me for to venture on the watery deep. But, if 
even this Prophecy should prove my last, I ivill tell my 
dear young Friend and the general public, of whom I 
don't think much, that the following is the 

Correct Tip for the Leger. 

Achievement 1 

The Hermit 2 

Julius 3 

I solemnly commit this bottle to the deep. Time 
will show whether the Vision which came to me whilst 
Slumbering on the Ocean was, or was not, Fallacious. 

Nicholas.* 

* Curiously enough, this was to be Nicholas's last contribution, 
though it was not intended to be at the time it wa3 written. — T. "ET. 



MISCELLANEOUS PIECES. 



Bringing up the Guns. 

" The battle, they say, will be lost or won, 

Ere our guns can be brought to the brow of the hill ; 

But, at least, we can try, so, forward all, 

And work, my men, cheerily — work with a will." 

It was thus, on a beautiful morn in May, 

That our ruddy-faced, white-haired colonel spoke. 

The valley below us was bright with spring. 
The hills above us were dim with smoke. 

Then muscle and sinew we strained to the full, 

We were panting and grimy and grim with sweat ; 

But ever our colonel cheered us on, 

With " Courage, my lads, we shall reach them yet !" 

All silently striving, we laboured along, 

The noise of the battle was loud on our ears. 

One, one more effort— the guns are up, 

And the soldiers greet us with frantic cheers. 

Ay, well they might ! They were sorely pressed, 
But our guns have speedily something to say; 

And we watched our colonel quietly smile, 
As he saw that his regiment saved the day. 

Through the hostile columns we sent our shot, 
We marked them waver, and break, and fly. 

Ju^t then, our gall ant old colonel fell, 
&&& oh, 'twas a beautiful death to die ! 



140 miscellaneous pieces, 

Learning the Verbs. 

"signifying to be, to do, or to suffer." 

" To be ?" Well, I followed the track, 
That gave me a chance of existence ; 
But I honestly own, looking back, 

That it's prettiest viewed from a distance. 
Just now it seems easy and bright, 

But I haven't forgotten my scrambles 
Over horrible rocks, or the night 

That I spent in the midst of the brambles. 
At times from the path I might stray, 

And thus make the journeying rougher; 
But still I was learning the way, 
" To Be, or to Do, or to Suffer ! " 

" To do ? " I have worked rather hard, 

And my present position is cosy ; 
But I haven't done much as a Bard, 

And my prose — well, of course it is prosy ! 
The schemes and the aims of my youth 

Have long from old Time had a floorer, 
And I doubt — shall I tell you' the truth? 
If the world be a penny the poorer ! 
If you cannot your vanity curb, 

You must either, my friend, be a duffer, 
Or you haven't yet learnt that a verb 
Is " To Be, or to Do, or to Suffer !" 

" To suffer ? " I took my degrees 

Long ago in that branch of our knowledge, 
Where our hearts and our hopes are the fees, 

And the universe serves as a college. 
I have had, as it is, rather more 

Than the usual share of affliction ; 
And that much is remaining in store 
Is my very decided conviction. 

But I find myself growing with years, 

Insensibly tougher and tougher ; 
I can manage, I think, without tears, 
" To Be, and to Do, and to Suffer ! " 



MISCELLANEOUS PIECE?. 141 

I have stated the facts of the case, 

But heaven forbid I should grumble ; 
And I need not complain of a place 
That suits my capacities humble. 
I have learnt how " to be " — well, a man : 
How "to do " — well, a part of my duty : 
And in " suffering," own that the Plan 
Of the World is all goodness and beauty ! 
Still at times from the path I may stray, 
And thus make the journeying rougher ; 
But, at least, I am learning the way 
"To Be, and to Do, and to Suffer." 



The Toxic Treatment of Disease. 

: The tonics which Mr. Skey so strongly recommends are 
curative rather as food than as medicine. They supply a want in 
the bodily system, just as wine supplies it ; and, in fact, wine is the 
chief of the tonics which ]\Ir. Skey recommends. ' I consider wine, 
lie says, c indispensible to the tonic treatment of disease.' v — Times, 
5th February, 1867. 

Whatever your complaint may be, 

Neuralgic or pulmonic, 
*' ; The golden rule," says Doctor Skey, 

" Is still that wine's a tonic, 
Men were by Nature's kindly plan 

To drink as well as eat meant ;" 
A valetudinarian, 

I like this Tonic Treatment ! 

To persons in a mild decline, 

ISTo matter how they got ill, 
The Doctor recommends the wine, 

And not the physic-bottle. 
To cure all natural ills was grog — 

The hot and strong and sweet — meant ; 
And that, combined with wholesome prog, 

Is just the Tonic Treatment. 

10 



142 MISCELLANEOUS PIECES, 

Says Skey, " My pupil, Mr. Jones, 

Ne'er fails in amputations ; 
Ere cutting through, a patient's hones, 

He plies him with libations !" 
Suppose my arms want cutting short, 

Or else I find my feet meant, 
Friend Jones prescribes a pint of port, 

And that's the Tonic Treatment ! 

In Jersey now does Jones reside, 

And, if I were a cripple, 
I should, I think, feel gratified 

To know I'd had my tipple. 
This little secret of the craft 

Is but for the discreet meant, 
Though doubtless Mr. Jones is chaffed 

About the Tonic Treatment. 

Our convalescence soon will be 

A period rather merry ; 
" Throw physic to the dogs !" says Skey, 

" And stick to port and sherry ! 
But let's remember we were not 

To take our brandy neat meant ; 
The person need not be a sot 

Who tries the Tonic Treatment." 

By sober use of good old wine, 

The invalid's a gainer : 
Two fools they are — the drunken swine, 

And the precise abstainer. 
Man never was to reel about, 

Or stagger in the street, meant ; 
Though there are perils which, no doubt, 

Attend the Tonic Treatment ! 



miscellaneous pieces. 143 

The Latest Victoria Cross. 

Jlst a simple little story I've a fancy for inditing ; 
It shows the funny quarters in which chivalry may 
lodge ; 
A story about Africa, and Englishmen, and fighting, 
And an unromantic hero by the name of Samuel 
Hodge. 

" Samuel Hodge !" The words in question never pre- 
viously filled a 
Conspicuous place in Fiction or the chronicles of Fame ; 
And the Blood and Culture critics, or the Rosa and 
Matilda 
School of Novelists would shudder at the mention of 
the name ! 

It was up the Gambia River — and of that unpleasant 
station 
It is chiefly in connection with the fever that we 
hear J — 
That my hero with the vulgar and prosaic appellation, 
"Was a private — mind, a private — and a sturdy pioneer. 

It's a dreary kind of region, where the river-mists 
arising 
Roll slowly out to seaward, dropping poison in their 
track ; 
And accordingly few gentlemen will find the fact sur- 
prising 
That a rather small proportion of our garrison comes 
back ! 

It is filthy, it is fetid, it is sordid, it is squalid ; 

If you tried it for a season, you would very soon repent ; 
But the British trader likes it, and he finds a reason solid 

For the liking, in his profit at the rate of cent, per cent. 

And, to guard the British trader, gallant men and merry 
younkers, 
In their coats of blue or scarlet, still are stationed at 
the post, 



144 MISCELLANEOUS PIECES. 

Whilst the migratory natives who are known as " Tillie- 
bunkas," 
Grub up and down for ground-nuts, and chaffer on 
the coast. 

Furthermore, to help the trader in his laudable vocation, 
We have heaps of little treaties with a host of little 
kings, 
And, at times, the coloured caitiffs, in their wild in- 
ebriation, 
Gather round us, little hornets, with uncomfortable 
stings. 

Then of course we have to smoke them ; and we do it 
with such vigour 
That the sooty rascals tremble, and a new allegiance 
swear ; 
And — it's horrible to think of! — but we often shoot a 
nigger, 
Like that execrable tyrant, the atrocious Mr. Eyre ! 

To my tale : — The King of Barra had been getting rather 
" sarsy" — 
In fact, for such an insect, he was coming it too 
stroug : 
So we sent a small detachment —it was led by Colonel 
D'Arcy— 
To drive him from his capital at Tubabecolong ! 

Now on due investigation, when his land they had 
invaded, 
They learnt from information which was brought them 
by the guides 
That the worthy King of Barra had completely Barra- 
caded 
The spacious mud-construction where his Majesty 
resides. 

"At it, boys!" said Colonel D'Arcy, and himself was 
first to enter, 
And his fellows tried to follow with the customary 
cheers ; 



MISCELLANEOUS PIECES. 145 

Through the town he dashed impatient, but had scarcely 
reached the centre 
Ere he found the task before him was a task for 
Pioneers. 

For so strongly and so stoutly all the gates were 
palisaded, 
The supports could never enter if he did not clear a 
way : — 
But our Samuel Hodge, perceiving how the foe might 
be "persuaded," 
Had certain special talents, which he hastened to 
display. 

Whilst the bullets, then, were flying and the bayonets 
were glancing, 
Whilst the whole affair in fury rather heightened than 
relaxed, 
Then with axe in hand, and silently, our Pioneer, 
advancing, 
Smote the gate ; aid bade it open ; and it did ; as 
it was axed ! 

l'envoi. 

Just a word of explanation — it may save us from a 
quarrel ; 
I have really no intention — 'twould be shameful if I 
had! 
Of preaching you a blatant, democratic kind of moral, 
For the "swell, you know," the D'Arcy, fought as 
bravely as the " cad ! " 

Yet I own that sometimes thinking how a courtier's 
decoration 
IVEay be won by shabby service or disreputable dodge, 
I regard with more than pleasure — with a sense of 
consolation — 
The Victoria Cross "For Valour" on the breast of 
Samuel Hodge ! 



146 MISCELLANEOUS PIECES. 



The Pace that Kills. 



The gallop of life was once exciting, 

Madly we dashed over pleasant plains ; 
And the joy like the joy of a brave man fighting 

Poured in a flood through our eager veins 
Hot youth is the time for the splendid ardour 

That stings and startles, that throbs and thrills ; 
And ever we pressed our horses harder, 

Galloping on at the pace that kills ! 

So rapid the pace, so keen the pleasure, 

Scarcely we paused to glance aside, 
As we mocked the dullards who watched at leisure 

The frantic race that we chose to ride. 
Yes, youth is the time when a master passion , 

Or Love or Ambition, our nature fills ; 
And each of us rode in a different fashion — 

All of us rode at the pace that kills ! 

And vainly, oh, friends, ye strive to bind us ; 

Flippantly, gaily, we answer you : 
" Should Atra Cura jump up behind us, 

Strong are our steeds, and can carry two !" 
But we find the road so smooth at morning, 

Rugged at night 'mid the lonely hills ; 
And all too late we recall the warning, 

Weary too late of the pace that kills ! 

3£ ife gp %f 

The gallop of life was just beginning ; 

Strength we wasted in efforts vain ; 
And now, when the prizes are worth the winning, 

We've scarcely the spirit to ride again ! 
The spirit, forsooth! 'Tis our strength has failed us, 

And sadly we ask, as we count our ills, 
" What pitiful, pestilent folly ailed us ? 

Why did we ride at the pace that kills ? " 



miscellaneous pieces. 147 

The City op Pkague. 
Scene : a Bohemia : a desert country near the sea." — Shakespeare. 

I dwelt in a city enchanted, 

And lonely, indeed, was my lot ; 
Two guineas a week, all I wanted, 

Was certainly all that I got. 
Well, somehow I found it was plenty ; 

Perhaps you may find it the same, 
If — if you are just five- and- twenty, 
With industry, hope, and an aim : 

Though the latitude's rather uncertain, 

And the longitude also is vague, 
The persons I pity who know not the city, 
The beautiful City of Prague ! 

Bohemian of course were my neighbours, 

And not of a pastoral kind ! 
Our pipes were of clay, and our tabors 

Would scarcely be easy to find. 
Our Tabors ? Instead of such mountains, 

Ben Holborn was all we could share, 
And the nearest available fountains 

Were the horrible things in the square : 
Does the latitude still seem uncertain ? 

Or think ye the longitude vague ? 
The persons I pity who know not the city, 
The beautiful City of Prague ! 

How we laughed as we laboured together ! 

How well I remember, to-day, 
Our " outings " in midsummer weather, 

Our winter delights at the play ! 
We were not over-nice in our dinners ; 

Our " rooms " were up rickety stairs ; 
But if hope be the wealth of beginners^ 
By Jove we were all millionaires ! 
Our incomes were very uncertain, 

Our prospects were equally vague ; 
Yet the persons I pity who know not the city, 
The beautiful city of Prague ! 



148 MISCELLANEOUS PIECES. 

If at times the horizon was frowning, 

Or the ocean of life looking grim, 
Who dreamed, do yon fancy, of drowning ? 
Not we, for we knew we conld swim . . . 
Oh, Friends, by whose side I was breasting 

The billows that rolled to the shore, 
Ye are qnietly, qnietly resting, 
To laugh and to labour no more ! 
Still, in accents a little uncertain, 

And tones that are possibly vague, 
The persons T pity who know not the city, 
The beautiful City of Prague ! 



L ENVOI. 

As for me, I have come to an anchor ; 

I have taken my watch out of pawn ; 
I keep an account with a banker, 

Which at present is not overdrawn. 
Though my clothes may be none of the smartest, 

The " snip " has receipted the bill ; 

But the days I was poor and an artist 

Are the dearest of days to me still ! 

Though the latitude's rather uncertain, 

And the longitude a]so is vague, 
The persons I pity who know not the city, 
The beautiful City of Prague ! 



miscellaneous pieces. 149 

My Lost Old Age. 
by a young invalid. 

I'm only nine- and- twenty yet, 

Though, young experience makes me sage ; 
So how on earth can J forget 

The memory of my lost old age ? 
Of manhood's prime let others boast ; 

It comes too late, or goes too soon ; 
At times, the life I envy most 

Is that of slippered pantaloon ! 

In days of old — a twelvemonth back ! — 

I laughed, and quaffed, and chaffed my fill ; 
And now, a broken- winded hack, 

I'm weak and worn, and faint and ill. 
Life's opening chapter pleased me well ; 

Too hurriedly I turned the page ; 
I spoiled the volume .... Who can tell 

What might have been my lost old age ? 

I lived my life ; I had my day ; 

And now I feel it more and more, 
The game I have no strength to play 

Seems better than it seemed of yore. 
I watch the sport with earnest eyes, 

That gleam with joy before it ends ; 
For plainly I can hear the cries 

That hail the triumph of my friends. 

We work so hard, we age so soon, 

We live so swiftly, one and all, 
That ere our day be fairly noon 

The shadows eastward seem to fall. 
Some tender light may gild them yet ; 

As yet, it's not so very cold ; 
And, on the whole, I ivorft regret 

My slender chance of growing old ! 



150 miscellaneous pieces. 

The Drought and the Rain. 

i. — drought. 

The lips of Earth the Mother was black ; 

They gaped through fissure and crevice and crack ; 

O for the fall of the rain ! 
And the life of the flowers paused ; and the wheat, 
That was rushing up seemed to droop in the heat, 
And its grass-green blades, they yearned for the sweet, 

The sweet, sweet kiss of the rain ! 

The secular cypress, solemn and still, 
The sentinel pine on the edge of the hill, 

Watched, but they watched in vain ; 
And the glare on the land, the glare on the sea, 
The glare on terrace, and tower, and tree, 
Grew fiercer and fiercer, mercilessly : 

for the fall of the rain ! 

The streams were silent, the wells were dry, 
The pitiless clouds passed slowly by, 

With never a drop of rain. 
The priests in the town exhumed a saint, 
They passed in procession with prayers and paint, 
But the heavens were cruel, or faith was faiut : 

Came never a drop of rain. 

for the fall of the rain ! 



II. — THE RAIN. 

One night the lift grew ragged and wild. 

With a sound like the lisp and the laugh of a child 

Fell the first sweet drops of the rain ! 
Moist lips of the mist the mountain kissed, 

And cooled the hot breath of the plain ; 
The emerald wheat leapt gaily to meet 

The welcome kiss of the rain ; 
And the roses around, as they woke at the sound, 

Broke into blossom again : 

beautiful, bountiful rain ! 

Cimies, Nice. 



MISCELLANEOUS PIECES. 



151 



Sounding the Recall. 

" On bat le rappel la-haut !" — Alfred Murgee. 
Since men are not fashioned like cattle, 

They struggle and suffer and sin ; 
They push to the front of the battle, 

Determined to conquer or win. 
Do I seek to diminish that ardour ? 

I answer you, mournfully, No : 
But the battle gets harder and harder— 
Listen ! On hat, 

On bat le rappel la-haut ! 

Our little Bohemian legion 

Expected no conqueror's arch, 
And we trudged through a desolate region, 

And often were faint on the march. 
Round the bivouac fire we assembled, 

That fire was uncertain and low ; 
As our eyelids were closing, we trembled ; 
Listen ! On hat, 

On bat le rappel la-haut ! 

There was one of our band whom we cherished— 

The youngest, the purest, the best ; — 
In the frost of the night-time he perished, 

Going quietly home to his rest |* 
And we thought, as we buried our dear one, 

And mournfully turned us to go, 
That the summons was still sounding near one — 
Listen ! On hat, 

On bat le rappel la-haut ! 

the joys of the past ! The caresses, 

The kisses from lips that are cold, 
The eyes that were blue, and the tresses 

That waved with a ripple of gold ! 
We have lived, we have loved, we have spoken 

Hot words that set hearts in a glow ; 
And now we are weary and broken, — 
Listen ! On bat, 

On bat le rappel la-haut ! 

* Paul Gray, obiit Nov. 14, 1866. 



152 miscellaneous pieces. 

Turn of the Tide. 

The tides of life had ebbed so low, 
I deemed they might forget to flow ; 
Weary alike of hope and fear 

I lay, methought, a- dying. 
Some love of living moved me yet ; 
One feeble sigh, one faint regret, 
Breathing, I paused : — and seemed to hear 

Another breath replying. 

It freshened, freshened — clear and keen, 
It reached me, and a peace serene 
Pell on dull heart and weary frame 

And cooled my pulses burning : — 
The sun shone out on wavelets blue ; 
The sea's familiar voice I knew ; — 
Over the sands of death they came, 

The tides of life returning. 

And marvellous it seems once more 
To rest upon life's sunny shore, 
Cheerily listening to the song 

The merry waves are making : — 
Thankful, I slumber, sure indeed 
That, should the tide again recede, 
Heavenly voices will, ere long, 

Salute a happier waking. 



P. P. C. 

My shattered strength is failing quite, 

But, as it ebbs away, 
I pass toward$the tranquil night 

That brings the brighter day. 

The pain is somewhat hard to bear, 

But harder yet must be, 
Ere any dreams or doubts shall tear 

My heart, O God, from Thee. 



MISCELLANEOUS PIECES. 153 

With, pain I draw my faintest breath — 

A poor and paltry strife ; 
I own, I feel my Life is Death, 

But Death snail give me Life. 

A hundred darling memories float 

Across my mind at night ; 
I count them vainly o'er by rote 

When pain comes back with light. 

And bitter, bitter grows the thought 

When 'neath the rising sun, 
I mind the sins that I have wrought, 

The evil I have done. 

" Our Father " spares the very worst, 

There yet is hope for me ; 
I know I said " Our Father " first 

Beside my mother's knee. 

[Xote : — The last three poems are here published for the first 
time.1 



THE END. 



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